I'm about to fly, and I'm heavily medicated.
Here's why.
This trip is gonna be off the chizzain!
My wife is in nerd overdrive
planning a college tour for my kid.
But the real reason I've dosed myself
with tranquilizers is because I'm flying,
and I hate flying.
I mean, really hate flying.
Because this happened.
Oh, God! Aaah! Aaah!
I can't breathe!
Oh, God, please don't let me die!
Please don't let me die! I'll do anything!
I'll give up porn!
I did not give up porn.
And now I fly with the help of some pharmaceutical courage.
Don't judge.
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Hey. Guys.
Does anybody know how much Ativan you can get through TSA?
On your person, it's 150 milligrams.
In your person, well,
that's between you and your colon.
Hey, where you going? Can I come?
Nuh! Before you say no, just remember...
wherever you're going,
you're probably gonna get pulled over,
so you're definitely gonna want some of this
in your passenger seat.
Bow wants to show Zoey her Alma mater,
so we're taking her to Brown.
Mm! Sound like my baby girl is all grown up.
Dude! That's my daughter.
Shh. I'm on the phone.
Then what happened after your birthday party, girl?
There was a lot of salmon left over?
They don't appreciate it unless it's fried.
You should be excited, Dre. Brown is a fine school.
I know, but my concern is that my baby girl
is gonna turn into one of those Ivy league snobs
who name-drops her college every two seconds.
No offense.
- None taken. - None taken.
I'm very rich.
When I was at Harvard, they actually taught us
how to work "when I was at Harvard" into any sentence.
And I made it look easy when I was at Harvard,
but it's harder when you're not at Harvard... where I was.
- Wow. - Okay.
As a Yale man, I can assure you
that Zoey will flourish at an Ivy.
I went to Harvard.
Sorry. That was Dominique on the phone.
Oh, Dominique.
Sexy Dominique.
The stories I can tell you about Dominique.
Sounds like you want us to ask you about Dominique.
Well, if you want to get all in my business like that...
Dominique is the only woman I ever loved.
But once my son Eustace was born,
my wife said Dominique had to go.
Oh, no.
She's coming into town this weekend.
I wish I could take her from "the one that got away"
to "the one that got away, got with a lot of other guys,
then came back to me when she was broke."
What do you mean "wish"?
That phone call made it sound like you gonna Mac that.
Nah, that'll never happen.
My phone game is Dolemite, but my in-person game is Sinbad.
Loud pants and high-top fade?
Brother, you don't want to play that game.
Well, I'll just have to catch up with her in 2035.
By then, we'll all be computers.
That's when I'll make my move.
Mm.
Guys, prepare to be outraged.
Guess who's babysitting this weekend.
Charlotte.
But we love Charlotte!
She makes us banana splits.
Plus, she doesn't lock the door when she goes to the bathroom.
Why do we need a babysitter at all?
Isn't there anyone else you could think of?
Ehp No!
Anyone would be a better babysitter than you.
I mean, let's just get Justin Bieber.
Or his parents!
Why? 'Cause I'm only 14?
It's not an age thing. It's more of a "you" thing.
How do I put this gently?
You're a joke of a man.
Wow.
How would you put it not gently?
Same way, but with a kick to the balls.
I'm so excited about our trip!
Me too. I mean, I cannot wait to go off to college.
And I really hope that we get to be there long enough
so that you can really get a taste of Brown.
- Taste of Brown? - Yeah.
- Bow, that does not sound great. - Such a hater.
I'm surprised they let you in anywhere named "Brown."
What?
Ehh... I can see you getting into "tan."
You graduated with honors from Howard...
a black college... and you're making skin-tone jokes?
They must be so proud of you.
H-U! You know!
God.
Uh, guys, this isn't about where you went to college.
It's about where I might go.
Zoey, you are the apple of my eye,
and I want the best for you,
so if you decide to go to a much cooler,
much cheaper U.C. school,
you'll get a great education.
Plus, I'll get you a Tesla X!
Whoa, whoa, whoa... the one with the falcon wing doors?
Did that look and sound like a falcon?
'Cause I've never seen one before.
- Seriously? - Yeah, we only had pit bulls and pigeons in Compton.
- I've never seen a... - No, you're bribing our daughter to stay in-state
just so you don't have to drug yourself silly,
'Cause you're afraid to get on a big, scary airplane?
Fine, Bow.
I will stop taking my pills.
As soon as everyone else stops thinking
that riding in a metal bus in the sky is okay!
Can you just promise not to ruin our trip?
I promise.
I hate it when they make me take my shoes off.
I know. You made that very clear... numerous times.
Did you take your shoes off?
No. Okay, Dre, don't talk to people.
Airplane candy!
No, it's not can... no, no, no.
Y-you've taken a lot of these... a lot.
That's just in case.
All right, I'll see you when we land.
Where are you going?
Zoey and I are sitting in first class.
This ain't my first rodeo.
Moop!
Okay, and listen.
So, we left enough food in the fridge, right?
Did we put the lights on a timer?
And did you call Charlotte, like I asked?
- You did? - Yeah!
Okay, good.
All right, I'll see you when we land, okay?
- Bye-bye! - Buh-bye. Oh, my God.
I call Charlotte.
Hello, Charllaa?
I need you to watch the kids.
Whatever you need, Dre.
No, I ain't doing nothing Absolutely nothing.
Mmm.
I love Sbarro.
I'm on my way.
And yes, airport pizza is definitely underrated.
Dad?
But I haven't eaten yet.
Yay! Charlotte!
Just throwing away money.
Jack!
Junior!
Diane.
Charles.
What are you doing here?
Your dad called, girl twin.
He needed some assistance.
So... I am in charge.
Between you and me...
Is your sister a witch?
I heard that.
That was a test.
I've been through this before with witches.
Honestly, I don't know why your father
asked me to come over and watch you guys.
You could have handled this.
I know, right?
Yeah. You're great.
Oh, stop. You're great.
No, that's you.
No, no, but you're the greatest.
Look at them...
two jokes of men bonding.
You two should watch your balls.
Yeah.
Oh. It's Dominique. She wants to FaceTime.
I can't.
I got no face game.
Who's Dominique?
The only woman I ever loved.
And it never worked out.
How come?
The usual story.
She wanted to focus on her lifestyle brand,
and I impregnated a Cinnabon co-worker.
Now we just want different things.
I want her, and she wants a man
with a better life, better house...
A man who combs his hair forwards instead of backwards.
So, in a nutshell, not you.
Witches hear when you're not even talking to them.
Okay.
Dorm room not bad.
Oh, my God.
I'm so glad we're staying in the dorms!
This is where I lived sophomore year.
Yep. This is it.
- Wow. - Hang on, you guys.
I got to call and check on the kids.
Hey, Charlotte. How's it going over there?
How's it going over here?
- Um... Good... Mrs. J. - _
Well, listen, don't slow down the fun on my account, okay?
I just wanted to check on you guys and say hi!
So hi-i-i-i-i!
Hi-i-i-i-i-i-i!
I love you! I love you! Kisses! Kisses!
Bye!
They're fine.
You know what? I've been thinking about it.
You should invite Dominique over here.
What are you talking about?
What if this was your better house,
your better life?
We could pretend that you're our dad and we're your kids.
I don't know. Seems kind of crazy.
No, we can do this.
- Jack is a great actor. - No big deal.
And I happen to be an expert on the art of romance.
You happen to be not.
If Nancy Meyers rom-come have taught me anyth...
hold on. "It's complicated" or "something's gotta give"?
Is there one without the other?
There's not. Continue.
Nancy specializes in making one character
happily settle for another character
who is clearly wrong for them.
That could be you.
You could be happily settled for.
That's all I ever dreamed of.
This is insane!
What do you have against dreamers, Diane?
I don't even want this root-beer float anymore.
Tastes like the salty tears of foolish men.
This place is pretty cool.
Cool?! This is more like freezing.
Dad, it's like 65 degrees.
O-o-okay, now.
But these new England winters are no joke.
Here we go.
Every may, when the snow starts to melt,
they find the bodies of at least 10 frozen students.
- 10? - Yeah.
You ever see the movie "Alive"?
You want to eat your best friend's butt
just to get a history degree?
He's not done. I can feel it.
You know what they say on the first day of class?
"Look to your left. Look to your right.
One of these people is gonna be in your stomach."
Told ya.
Can I see that map for a second?
Uh, Dre, you know, I was thinking
maybe you should check out Andrews hall.
They have a really amazing snack bar
that has a do-it-yourself calzone station.
- Ooh! - Yeah, right?
- Bow. - Yeah?
Your tactics are so obvious.
Are they?
Any fool can see what you're doing.
Mm-hmm.
I'll be back.
I think I bought us like an hour,
which is not a lot of time
because there are so many things about Brown
that make this place amazeballs!
Mom, you promised you'd stop saying "amazeballs."
No. I said I'd stop saying "awesome sauce."
And I have been biting my tongue this entire time
because this place is awesome sauce!
Awesome sauce!
Let's go.
A Nancy Meyers seduction starts
with a cheese plate.
Ew! It smells horrible.
Well, your dumb plan's hit a speed bump.
Charles has locked himself in the bathroom.
What?
Dominique will be here any minute.
He's probably second-guessing
the outfit you picked out for him.
A white turtleneck and matching pant
worked on Diane Keaton,
and it will damn well work on him!
What is he doing up there?
Girl, it's only you
Have it your way
And if you want, you can decide
Uh... Just a minute.
I-I-I-I, I just want to be your man
How do I look?
Like a middle-aged woman
trying to start her life again.
That's what I'm talking about.
Remember Nancy Meyers rule number one?
Talk about your kitchen renovations a lot.
Exactly.
Start throwing around phrases like
"been e-mailing my architect" and "farmhouse sink."
Gotcha.
You're gonna ruin this for me, aren't you?
You don't need me to ruin this plan.
It comes pre-ruined.
Don't listen to her.
I have you all set... champagne, cheese plate,
and I'm making homemade lavender-honey ice cream.
Ah! Like Meryl Streep when she has insomnia.
Good call.
Come on.
Hey, Charlie.
Thank you, Jesus.
Dominique.
Uh...
I think the word you're looking for
is "damn."
Damn!
- Damn! - Damn!
This seems right to you?
I love your outfit.
It's actually an original piece from my line...
Dominique for Dominique by Dominique.
Mm. Well, I'm wearing neck by turtle.
Oh!
Champagne?
Oh! Come on.
Thank you.
Wow! This is really nice!
You've come a long way from depressed Cinnabon manager.
Have I? I barely noticed.
I've been so busy raising my three wonderful kids...
that are mine...
in my house... which is also mine.
Daddy!
Hey!
- Here's my seeds now. - Ohh!
- That's Jack. - Hello.
- Junior. - Hi.
And the quiet one is Diane.
Hi, Diane.
She's been a mute ever since her mother perished
in a tragic flat-screen-mounting accident.
Oh.
But it made us stronger as a family.
It did, son.
It did.
Well, you want to go on a tour of the house?
Oh, uh, sure.
Excuse the kitchen. It's in flux.
I've been e-mailing my architect all day about my farmhouse sink.
Oh, my God! I love farmhouse sinks!
I mean, if you can't wash a pig in it,
don't even show it to me.
Walk with me. Talk with me.
Oh, my God! You're gonna love this.
Okay, there is a school tradition at Brown...
if one student touches the "B" of "Brown"
and starts singing the Brown fight song,
then other brownies see her, and they have to join in.
Oh. Oh, no, Mom. Do not do Yeah? Okay, watch this.
We are ever true to Brown
And we love our college dear
This is part of the fun. They pretend they can't hear you, and then I got to sing louder.
And wherever we may go
We are ready with a beer!
You've really gotten it together, Charlie.
Merci, mon cherie.
Oh! You speak French?
Un poquito.
Mm. Caliente.
Mm. Gesundheit.
It's working.
She's settling.
This will never last.
Cynic.
Romantic.
I see you're still into cars.
That's a nice ride out there. That's a challenger, right?
You like it?
It's actually mine.
What do you mean, actually yours?
I mean, uh... what's actually anyone's?
Except for this moment, which is ours.
Let's kiss again.
Man, you are really sweating.
- Am I? - Yeah.
Uh... It must be this turtleneck.
Or these candles.
Or I must be cursed by a witch.
Will you excuse me?
I can't keep doing this.
Pull it together, dude. We need this.
Yeah, but we planned it all wrong.
I got to come real, tell the truth.
I mean, she'll be upset that I lied
but then realize I only did it because I care so much.
- Yes. - Yeah.
Of course. That's brilliant!
Then you're off to catalina!
The Paris of islands off Los Angeles.
So go out there and be yourself.
Oh.
You're serious.
Sure.
Try it.
This just in... God don't like your tone.
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Dominique...
I have to come clean with you.
This isn't my house.
And I don't have any kids.
- One kid. - Oh, that's right. That's right.
I have one kid.
Oh, my God. He's home alone.
I should Uber him some wings.
So... All this...
the house, the cheese plate...
The mute?
What up, 'nique?
I-I just wanted to impress you.
By lying to me?
Yes...?
I can't believe you.
This is Cinnabon baby all over again.
Ohh!
Cut me out of this.
Cut me out of this now!
Charles locked himself in the bathroom again.
I guess that makes you happy.
You're right... we are jokes of men.
I can't even figure out how to make this ice cream from "it's complicated".
Because... shocker It's complicated.
Look at this soupy mess.
How am I supposed to do anything in this tiny kitchen?
Mmmmmm.
Hey.
Where's Zoey?
At a coffee shop...
probably looking at other schools online.
I made her hate Brown.
Oh.
I'd like to take some credit for that,
but sounds like you brought it home.
I pushed her too hard. I did.
I just... I wanted her to love it as much as I love it.
I just have... I have so many great memories.
So many great memories.
How... Many... Memories, exactly?
Enough for... a basketball team?
- I'm serious, Dre. - Okay.
I just don't want her to not want to come here because I'm a dork.
Oh, baby.
it really bothers me.
I love dorks.
Stop.
Come on.
Thank you, sweetie. Thank you.
I really want her to come here.
- Hey. - What?
Can we make some memories?
Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Can I talk to you?
What? You came to gloat?
I came to say I was wrong.
I'm listening.
So, I know you got your heart broken today,
and some people will say that makes you a joke of a man,
but... Don't listen.
You're like homemade ice cream.
It's a soupy mess right now,
but don't give up on it, because one day,
someone is going to love that ice cream.
Charles.
Diane, I have to be honest with you.
I'm a Popsicle dude.
I think she was talking about you.
I'm glad you thought so, too.
I was only 50% sure.
Hey.
Look at that... I got you something.
Dad, I'm not sure if I want this.
Okay, look.
I know better than everyone
how unbearable your mother can be about her college,
but you shouldn't write Brown off.
It's a fantastic college.
And if it had any part in making your mother so amazing...
because we know her mother did not...
You would be a fool not to apply.
Then why have you been pushing California schools so hard?
Is it because you're afraid to fly?
I hate flying. All right?
But I will get over that for you.
But what I can't get over is you being 3 Miles away from me,
let alone 3,000 Miles away.
But that's my problem, not yours.
Okay?
Okay.
Our flight duration today
is going to be 5 hours and 38 minutes.
I didn't... I didn't take my pills.
I don't... I don't... I don't think I can do this.
Okay, yes, you can, Dad.
I got you.
Okay.
You can do this.
I know.
Hey, uh...
Well, do you think it'd be cool
if I just held on to your hand for a...
A few more years?
Sure, Dad.
Aah! Oh, we're all gonna die!
We're all gonna die! Ooh!
Oh, Jesus! What's wrong with my seat?!
What's wrong with my seat?! We aren't even moving.
Where's my airplane candy?! Where's my airplane candy?!
I want my mama!
Dominique.
I thought I'd never see you again.
You were so mad.
I was, but then I realized how much I care about you.
Care?
Or are you out of money?
Does it matter?
No.
Let's go to Catalina.
Ooh!
Dad?
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