Ripped By mstoll
DAN: Kyle, we need to blow up the Veep's visit
to the British pub, okay?
We are running some reverse My Fair Lady shit here.
We're showing she's a regular gal.
Mark, the memorial.
We need a ton of coverage.
It's 100 years from World War I,
Selina's back in black, she's looking good,
and it's "Good Mourning, America" mourning with a "u."
(GRUNTS) Sue.
I need you to get Selina a meeting with Prince Charles,
that 65-year-old fuckin' intern. Okay?
Dan, if you want to get into the palace at short notice,
you're going to have to storm it yourself!
Okay, Sue, listen. This is me, campaign manager,
telling you, schedule woman, to just, you know, make that happen.
All right, all right.
Someone get me the Prince of Wales' private secretary on the phone, stat.
Tough call. Then again, you're a tough caller.
SELINA: (CHUCKLES) Wonderful, wonderful.
Hey. Listen. I am thrilled to be here
looking presidential, of course.
But what about POTUS? Is there any more news from him?
No, he definitely wanted to come. He had to stay and close the China deal.
He had tickets for a West End musical.
Something with a duck or a ghost. I don't remember.
Hey, is FLOTUS having an affair?
- Not that I would blame her. - GARY: Have you seen her lately?
- She's lost a lot of weight. - A lot, right?
Her neck is like stretched cheese.
- Yeah, it looks bad now. - Right?
- Bad. - It's gone bad.
SELINA: Hello again, Mr. Ambassador.
And you know
Peter Mitchell, Deputy Prime Minister?
Yeah, we met in Hong Kong.
Heroin and Chinese food.
- Noodles and needles. - (SELINA CHUCKLES)
It was actually
the solar energy summit in Stockholm.
That's the one, that's the one. Same vibe.
100 years since the Great War is so my area, Amy.
How does this sound? "In four years,
"16 million perished.
"In the silent aftermath,
"towns grieved for their fallen young men."
This is my masterpiece.
I mean, I'm nailing pathos to the fricking wall here.
Death, glory, folly, tragedy. It's got the four main mood groups.
So have you set up the secret
Transatlantic Security Organization meeting
- with the German chancellor? - AMY: Mmm-hmm. At the cathedral.
She can lie to the Brits and go straight to confession.
The Brits are gonna be unhappier.
I need a stiff fuckin' drink.
In related news, Ray's talking.
- Oh, God. To smart people? - BEN: Yeah.
He's currently with a woman from the Bank of England.
It's like watching a goat trying to use an ATM.
You know, because money is just a concept.
You know, we believe in it because we're too scared not to.
There's no intrinsic value to it.
- It's not like muscles in your arms. - Well...
Okay, I think that's quite a superficial analysis.
You know what "intrinsic" means?
- Yeah. - Yeah, I try to learn a word a day.
I love words very ardently.
Yeah. Sorry, who are you again?
The Transatlantic Security Organization
that's going to Frankfurt and not here? Because...
Honestly, we haven't made a decision about that yet.
Right. And I hope that "honestly"
isn't one of those words that's lost its meaning whilst traveling the Atlantic.
(CHUCKLES)
What about the censure vote in the House of Commons tomorrow?
How do you think that's gonna go?
- On spying? - Mmm-hmm.
- It'll be defeated. - Oh, good.
But then you probably know that already.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm relieved to hear that. I really am.
You know, 'cause the U.S. doesn't spy on its allies.
- Now I'm relieved. - We collect data.
- Same thing. - Oh. No.
No? Gary, what do you think?
Well, I...
Gary likes to keep his cards close to his chest.
- Yeah. - GARY: Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
No, please, do share.
I'm just "collecting data."
- (CHUCKLES) - (STUTTERS) Yeah.
Um, I think it's very nuanced.
And I think there's a lot of different sides
to a lot of different topics that are out there
that I think we could...
Gary, I need that lipstick.
- Thank you so much. - Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
- Madam out there hobnobbing... - (AMY CHUCKLES)
...us here in the servants' quarters.
It's like Downton Abbey.
"McClintock, Lady Selina wishes to eat
"a Cornish pasty in the paddock this evening.
"Post-haste, you bugger!"
I love that voice.
It makes me feel inadequate and horny. The dream.
Ray, I don't know if you've met the Deputy Prime Minister.
- Ray Whelans. - Pleasure.
- Wellness consultant. - Wellness?
Oh, like a fitness chap?
- I'm also a businessman and an author. - An author?
Would I know any of your titles?
"60-Day Shred."
"Get A Bod Like God,"
"My Name Is Ray, You're Okay,"
"The Greater Glory In 20 Days"...
Ray, I need Gary.
- Okay. - Yeah.
Yes, I've seen the numbers, Kent.
I know that she's bleeding blue collars.
So we're gonna make her look fucking folksy in a London pub.
Wasn't it Oscar Wilde who said,
"Dan's a fucking terrible campaign manager“?
I would like to shoot him, but there are no guns in this country.
Yeah.
JONAH: Steven, this is Jonah Ryan reporting to Team Maddox.
(ATTEMPTING BRITISH ACCENT) I'm in London Town,
and it's going to be a "right royal cockney barrel of turnips"
when I dish the dirt on Selina Meyer.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Yes, sir, I'll stop using the accent.
KENT: Hello, Jonah.
Hello, sir.
Just buying some tickets for Madame Tussauds.
You're an imbecile.
SELINA: What a charming little pub.
I have to say, this is just the most delightful place.
I can imagine Harry Potter getting loaded in here.
- (CHUCKLES) - PETER: Right, yes. Although, well...
Well, he's a small child,
so, underage. But...
Oh, right. Yes, of course. Of course.
Although I think the actor is quite a grown man.
The actor, yes. But the original, the literary version,
which, of course, is the fictional story of a child witch.
So, would very much still be considered a minor.
Right. Actually, I think it's a wizard.
- Yeah. - Yeah, right.
Same.
SELINA: So, you are the owner of the pub?
Amy, the "emu“ has landed.
Jonah's in London.
ANN: Oh, shit.
Maddox must have sent him here
to spy or something. Ha.
"Jonah Bond, double-o-fuck off."
I'll see you at the press conference.
What?
I'm also here.
Have you been here a long time?
Oh, I've been running this gaff for 25 years.
- I've lived around here me whole life. - I see.
Born and bred West Ham fan.
What kind of ham did you say?
West Ham United.
They're my local team.
- Football. - Oh!
Of course, football. Right.
We call that soccer, actually.
No, here, football.
Right. We have football there.
And I'm wondering actually what do you call, what we call soccer?
That's one thing I don't...
- Yeah. Football. - Right. Great.
So, uh, what are you having, ma'am?
Uh-huh. What am I having?
What would you recommend that I have at this lovely place?
(CLEARS THROAT) Oh. Uh, how about a nice pinot noir?
Oh, that sounds divine.
I'm joking. No, that's... He won't...
I think to me, you look like
a bitter person,
maybe.
Which is a type of beer. Don't worry.
It's just a joke.
Just playing.
Bitter is a horrible beer.
Well, she's gonna drink it and she's gonna smile, Gary.
- Okay, I've got some peppermints. - RAY: I've got digestive enzymes.
Do you want me to just put that in my bag? Oh, okay.
So would you like to do the honors, ma'am?
- SELINA: I'm not sure... - Pulling a pint?
- DAN: Yes, yes. - Yes, I would. I'd absolutely love to do that.
Well, stroll on down and I'll show you how.
MIKE: Okay, gang, if you guys want to...
All right, guys. The Vice President is now going to "pull a pint."
- I just said that. I just said that. - Come on down.
Yen, yep. Ooh.
Okay. Well, cheers.
- Cheers. Cheers. - Cheers.
(CHUCKLES)
That's lovely.
(LAUGHING)
(CROWD MURMURS)
MAN 1: Hey!
MAN 2: Bottoms up, ma'am! Get it down you' Selina.
Down in one, sweetheart.
What? What did you say?
- Down in one. - "Daniwah!" Okay!
- "Daniwah!" - "Daniwah!"
(CROWD LAUGHING)
Daniwah!
- Daniwah! - Daniwah!
They're eating this up. I think we just landed a catchphrase.
They're not saying "Daniwah."
They're saying "down in one."
Moron.
Daniwah!
- Make her stop saying that. - Yeah.
They're laughing at her like a toddler they taught to swear.
Okay, ma'am. Are you feeling okay?
- No. - Yeah, you a little gassy?
Oh, yeah. Like the Hindenburg.
I think we're good. I think we're good.
- Let's get out of here. - DAN: Okay.
Thank you guys very much for coming out.
DAN: We really appreciate it. SELINA: Daniwah, guys!
- CROWD: "Daniwah!" - SELINA: Daniwah!
(LAUGHING)
- (SIRENS BLARING) - AMY: Okay, "Daniwah" is trending.
It's number two under Kate Middleton's bony ass.
You know, I thought it was some sort of a Japanese thing that he was saying.
Yeah, like konnichiwa.
Hey, ma'am, I ordered
a pot of hot tea for your room.
I'm not having anything else to drink for the next month.
Siri, how many horses died in the First World War?
- Why are you asking that? - (CELL PHONE BEEPS)
For the speech.
No. I'm not talking about horses.
Cancel search, Siri.
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
GARY: You're gonna look so stunning at the war service, ma 'am.
(CHUCKLES) Those guys are gonna wish they weren't dead.
All right.
Here's the cherry on top of the most
- delicious sundae, I must say. - (CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHS)
Look how beautiful that is.
RAY: Mmm...
What?
What, do you think the bigger one?
Don't you think the other hat is a little too "natty"?
I don't know. What do you think?
RAY: I think it's London.
Britain is the kingdom of the hats.
I have never heard that phrase.
It's a well-known phrase.
Is it?
Yeah.
I agree with you. I'm gonna go with the other one.
Yeah, why not?
Maybe I can wear this with something else.
I don't know what else I brought.
Or nothing at all.
- Ooh, what? - What?
I don't know what you mean.
- RAY: Do you know what that means? - Oh, dear.
SELINA: I don't think we have time for this, do we?
RAY: What, horsing around?
GARY: Look at these branches.
It is springtime in here.
SELINA: Gary, close the door behind you. GARY: Sure. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...
All right, guys, I need a plan here. Okay?
I am "Dan With A Plan" Egan,
so if I can't work, then you can't work, and...
Call him back. We've got to go in there and talk to Selina.
I'm just, urn...
I was just doing a little role-playing.
Like a Charles Manson defense?
Ah...
AMY: Front of the Standard. MIKE: Oh.
AMY: You've even managed to get yourself in there.
Nicely done, "Obi-Wah Kenobi."
No one reads that rag.
That's one paper.
I can handle one paper, guys.
And you know this about me. All right?
I can chop this thing in two
- like a disputed kitten. - AMY: Oh, pleasant.
SELINA: Mike? MIKE: Yes, ma'am.
I want to talk to you about this speech
for the World War I service, okay?
Very proud of it, ma'am. I gave this one 100% effort.
As I do everything I write for you.
Okay, I'm not sure about this... Uh...
"To honor all who
"fell in frozen Flanders fields
"and hold their memory fresh."
- It's just a little bit too "effy" for me. - DAN: Yeah.
- SELINA: Do you know? - Well, that's kind of the idea, ma'am.
I mean, it's poetic.
Yeah, but we're trying to appeal
to the blue-collar demographic, right? Not the poets.
- I agree. - GARY: Ray agrees.
So, "16 million perished."
No, well they didn't. They died, so just say that.
"The loss, though impossible to adequately comprehend..."
That sentence is impossible to comprehend.
Just say, "hard to understand," you know?
- RAY: Plain English. - (MOUTHING)
- I kind of agree. - SELINA: Mmm.
I could normalfy this for you.
No. No, no.
No, no, no. Just listen. Just listen.
He's got sort of a working-class touch,
which is something that's valuable,
- and we should listen to it. - (SCOFFS)
RAY: I printed a copy of the speech from the "G" folder.
Why does he have access to the "G" folder?
I don't even have access to the "G" folder.
AMY: Yes, you do, Mike. We all do.
It's the general file on the iCloud.
Everything was much easier when it was just floppy discs.
BEN: To paraphrase My Fair Lady,
we need to get to the fuckin' church on time.
One second. So, Mike,
what's your favorite part of this speech?
Okay. This is like Gettysburg.
"Beneath the..."
"Beneath the dark soil of Passchendaele,
"100,000 bodies still lie
"unaccounted for.
"Let today be their funeral service
"and we their mourners."
RAY: How about this?
"There's a whole lotta guys who never came home.
"Good guys.
"Here's to those guys."
Holy fuckin' Christ.
- BEN: What is that, Ray? - I'm just spitballin'.
No, Ray, listen, listen.
I've gotta stick with Mike's words, you understand?
- Totally. - Because it's appropriate.
- Thank you, ma'am. - Ame?
- AMY: Yes? - What's happening with
the German chancellor?
After the speech, you're gonna meet with him in the side chapel
and tell him that POTUS guarantees
the TSO will be in Frankfurt, not London.
Hey, I'm gonna make a phone call
- about that right now. - SELINA: Okay.
Uh, where is Gary?
I'm right here.
What? Were you there the whole time?
Yeah, yeah.
(CELL PHONE CHIMING)
Jonah Ryan, Maddox Team.
AMY: (WITH BRITISH ACCENT) Is this "Ryantology" Jonah Ryan?
Yeah, one and the same.
(BRITISH ACCENT) I'm a big fan of your website.
Well, thank you.
Actually, I don't run it anymore.
Oh, what a shame.
I was going to give you a story about Ray Whelans,
Selina Meyer's trainer?
You know, I do still run it.
I was just looking at one of my feeds right now.
Well, prepare to be astonished.
I'm ready for anything with that accent.
I can! believe Ray tried to edit my speech.
I feel like Shakespeare when that monkey tried to make fun of him.
What?
I think that might have been a cartoon.
All right, let's get on with the remembering thing,
and I'll finesse the speech in the car.
- Anne? - Yeah?
I know Ray was a little off on the speech,
but wait till you see the hat he chose.
(DOOR CLOSES)
SELINA: "In four fateful years,
"16 million perished.
"This loss,
"though impossible to adequately comprehend..."
This speech is so beautiful.
So beautiful.
"Beneath the dark soil of Passchendaele..."
Right after this, Selina has to go straight to meet the German chancellor.
I'll hold off that long streak of deputy piss
while she's in there.
SELINA: "...and we their mourners."
Let's remember the guys who never came home.
Here's to the good guys.
Boy, they were good guys, weren't they?
They were.
- You all right, mate? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Lost your car?
No, no, no. I'm waiting on a guy.
Oh, right.
No. I...
I'm not waiting on a guy to have sex with.
I am waiting on a guy to talk... He's a reporter.
Is he?
Look, you wouldn't get it. Your jacket is fluorescent.
- Oh, I get it, sir. - Really? You do?
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Jonah Ryan, Maddox Team.
This is Rob from the Daily Mirror. You've got a story?
Hey, where are you?
Why do you want to meet in a fucking car park?
I don't know, I just thought
"Watergate, Deep Throat."
- (WHISTLES) - No. You son of a...
Look, let's just meet in a pub.
How about a coffee?
Eight pounds for two coffees? Thank you, America.
I could get four pints of Ruddles for that.
Okay,
check this out.
The Vice President is fucking her personal trainer.
Ooh.
No. Not really interested.
Is this all you have?
No, I've got a super hot British source with a super sexy voice.
She sounds like Mary Poppins on all fours.
You do realize Mary Poppins would be over 100 by now?
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Yeah, and I'd love to sweep her chimney.
You know what I mean?
No. Shall we just go to the pub?
There's one over there, they'll do a shit coffee.
No, no, no. See, here's the thing.
This guy Ray, he had a blog a couple of years ago, right?
But it got deleted.
So I did some research...
- So you googled it. - No, I didn't just google it.
I found this thing called the "Internet Archive"...
So you googled it.
I googled "Internet Archive," yes, and I found it there.
- But, on the Internet Archive. - Yeah.
- I found screen grabs of his old blog, right? - Mmm-hmm.
What Ray said was, and I quote,
"Obesity is a punishment for sins committed in a previous life.
"Fat people have to learn self-discipline
"until they are rid of the demon that lives within them.“
- Oh, hello. - Yeah.
What do you have to say about that?
"Daniwah!"
Excuse me one second.
- Ben. - Peter. Great service.
Yes, it was very moving.
I thought the Vice President's speech was quite excellent.
You don't happen to know her whereabouts, do you?
She's on the phone. State Department.
Right.
I saw the German chancellor just now heading
toward the Lady Chapel.
Yeah.
Um. He was going in there to pray privately.
I overheard him speaking to one of his aides.
Oh.
You overheard. You speak German?
Yes.
Ja, as they say in Germany.
My German's a little bit rusty, I must admit.
Oh, God. So is mine.
Ich muss wieder zur Schule gehen.
(CHUCKLES)
Absolutely.
Good times.
- At school? - What?
I said, "I should go back to school."
Yes. Well, the thing about German is
- once it's with you, it stays with you. - Mmm-hmm.
It's like riding ein bike.
Is the Vice President in the Lady Chapel with the German chancellor?
No, I told you before, she's on the phone.
Okay.
Okay, because is that not quite clearly her hat?
No, I don't think it is.
No, that's not her hat.
I think it is her hat.
It's definitely her hat.
I'll tell you howl know, because I remember
when I first saw it, thinking to myself, "What a hideous hat."
It is like she stuck her head in a swan and it's exploded.
I don't believe it is, sir.
Well, du lügst.
(CHUCKLES)
Hilarious.
It means "you're lying."
I know.
Okay. Okay, so we're all perfectly comfortable standing here
pretending that we can't quite clearly see the Vice President
in the Lady Chapel with the German chancellor
finalizing a deal about the TSO?
I wouldn't say "comfortable."
MIKE: Maybe that's her hat?
I'll see you at the press conference.
Okay, so, unelected loony
has the ear and minge of the Vice President.
And he says that fat people... No, fat kids...
Fat kiddies have "sinned" in a past life. Yes.
Yeah. You know how upsetting that's gonna be to fat people?
All of America is fat people.
That's all we have.
All of our children weigh 300 fucking pounds.
We've got fat kids too. I've got a fat kid.
Well, I can see her... I mean, that's...
She's...
Right. We'll ambush the Vice President.
We'll get photos of her being surrounded by fat kids dressed as devils.
Seriously? -Yeah.
Oh, my God. You guys are fucking brutal.
This calls for a celebration.
Come on, I'll give you the first pint, at least.
PETER: And, of course, those volunteers who tend the war cemetery graves.
Let's take some questions.
Nick Hadley, Daily Express.
- SELINA: Okay. - Madam Vice President,
can you comment on the breaking story
about your personal trainer,
Ray Whelans?
- Or would you like to comment? - (RAY CHUCKLES
SELINA: Well, I don't know
what story it is you're referring to. I'm so sorry...
HADLEY: He wrote an essay saying,
"Obese children are possessed by the devil
"as a punishment for past sins."
SELINA: Uh, wow...
Goodness. I...
Way to go, Dan.
- Way to go, Ray. - Yeah, just throw the blame around.
Not at me, though. It's not my fault.
Your source? I don't know anything about it.
HADLEY: The essay's online, here.
Is it? Okay.
That is a thoroughly bizarre story.
It's called "cosmic balance."
It's not anything the Buddha didn't talk about.
Yeah, well, Buddha's got a big fat ass, Ray.
I believe in karma.
- Does that make me weird? - ALL: Yes!
HADLEY: It just has quotes leaping out. Here's one.
"Body fat stores all that is bad in us.
"Too much, and the host is enveloped in sin."
Guys, I wrote a treatise
- a couple of years ago. I write a lot of treati. - (CELL PHONE CHIMES)
It's treatises, Ray.
The normal plural.
- (BRITISH ACCENT) Hello? - JONAH: Hey, I just wanted
to say thanks for the lead,
- "me olde Pearly Queen." - My pleasure.
Another?
Two more. Two pints, please.
I was wondering if you were
available this evening by chance
you would like to join me for some dinner.
I've found a very charming gastropub.
That sounds lovely. Brilliant.
Text the details lo my cell, mobile.
So this idea that
"fat is fate,"
that's nonsense, is it?
I am certain that
the Deputy Prime Minister would like to move on now
to the matters at hand.
Oh, uh...
I think we're in it now.
I think we probably should,
maybe, see this through to the end.
BEN: What's going on?
Well, where is she?
Yeah, I got this.
I got this. I can...
Uh...
Here's what we're gonna do.
We are gonna go big on Prince Charles.
No, no, scratch that.
- We're gonna cancel Charles. - KENT: What?
We're canceling Charles, okay?
Do you hate fat people?
You know what, let me just put this to rest, okay?
I have always been a friend of the (STAMMERING) full-figured folks.
Okay, my pretend friends.
I got to go back to DC.
Something very big has happened
and I've got to be there.
- AMY: What is it? - Daniwah!
- Daniwah. - AMY: What's that?
RAY: Daniwah.
(DAN GROANS)
RAY: Easy, buddy.
- AMY: Hey, hey, hey! - Get your hands off me, all right?
- I don't want to catch your fucking idiocy. - AMY: Okay.
- I can... - Whoa!
GARY: Oh, he's having a heart attack. Are you having a heart attack?
AMY: No, I think he's just having a breakdown.
- I think this is, like, indigestion or something. - MIKE: Easy.
I don't think I should have eaten that Scotch egg.
Is that that egg with the sausage wrapped around it?
Never mind. Not important.
KENT: Ray, I need to speak with you privately.
Mike,
you're in charge.
- Yes, sir. - (DOOR CLOSES)
Oh, my God, Mike.
Oh, my God.
- I got... I got this, I got this. - (CELL PHONE BEEPS)
Siri, Ray Whelans' treati. Treatises!
Okay, okay.
People are disturbed by your role.
Yeah, they think folks who are physical can't be cerebral.
They think those two things are separate, that they're not symbiotic.
No, no, you don't understand.
I do, I do. Look,
people think that, you know, "He's a fitness guy,
"how can he know about politics?"
I get you, Kent.
(SIGHS)
Again, I don't think you do.
People think Selina's judgment is bad
if she listens to people like you
whose beliefs are very
- stupid. - Exactly.
People.
(SIGHS) You're not getting it.
You know, the brain is a muscle.
No, it isn't.
And I have sympathy.
I do have
deep sympathy for those who struggle with their weight.
And I will go on to say that even I, as a young teenager,
had a bit of a struggle
with my weight as I'm sure
almost everyone here in this room has had
atone moment or another in their life.
(DAN GRUNTING)
I can't feel my hands.
- Do you feel my hands? - No. Yeah. I do.
Okay. I can feel them, but that's not how it works.
I'm googling your symptoms right now.
What are your symptoms?
- Massive pain. - Yeah. Where? In your chest?
Yeah, like right where my hand is clutching.
The pain is right around there.
- I'm trying to help. - Like, under my heart?
Right in the middle...
Do you taste copper?
I think you're having a panic attack. That's what...
No, no, no.
I don't panic. I'm the fucking iceman.
That's why I'm the campaign manager.
Call Sue.
What's the codes you put before the number?
0-0-1. U.S.
I just have her name, so I need to memorize the number
before I put the codes in.
Hey, Sue? Sorry. Hey, listen...
(CLATTERING)
GARY: Shit.
FEMALE REPORTER: How much exactly did you weigh?
Uh...
Okay. Well, at my very biggest, I would say I was probably
roughly around 151
or 152 pounds.
I don't know what that translates to in terms of stones.
- That's a lot. - Yeah, heavy.
Is it? That's a lot? Okay.
This is like the Queen's china.
MIKE: They're never gonna let us back into England again.
We need to research everything Ray Whelans ever wrote...
oh. my God!
- It doesn't matter. - It does matter!
- This is the fuckin' Queen's china! - (SHUSHING)
It's been something that's... You know, it's a part... It's my history.
I can't say that I was proud to be as enormous as I was,
but there you have it.
- What are you looking for? - I'm looking for a napkin to at least cover it.
MIKE: Behind the curtain. Put it behind the curtain.
Go.
You really don't get it,
so I'm going to keep this very simple. You're fired.
I get you.
Very simple.
- Yes, it is. - Great.
I'm so pleased we had this talk.
Let's see where we all are in a month or so.
This is amazing.
Thank you.
- Hurry up, Gary. - Shit.
(DOOR OPENS)
SELINA: Oh, my God.
What a fuckin' misery marathon that was.
- Where is everybody? - Dan had a nervous collapse.
Amy's taking him to the hospital.
Ben went back to DC. Kent's firing Ray.
And I'm in charge.
Fuck!
I know, right?
I should just go back out there.
Did you see that?
Yep, I saw.
Why?
Why am I in London talking about my enormous
jiggly-ass ass?
Ma'am, but people love people who were like fat and they're no longer fat.
- No, they don't. - GARY: Right.
Fat people don't even vote.
They can't even be bothered to get out of the house, you know?
There's no food in the voting booth. (CHUCKLES)
Ma'am,
the House of Commons voted to censure U.S. data monitoring activities.
Huh?
And there's five fat kids outside dressed as Satan.
Already?
You know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna cancel on Prince Charles.
Gary, we're gonna have to get out of here
the back way or something.
- Gary? - GARY: Yep, yep.
SELINA: God, I hate this stupid country so much.
Nothing makes sense here, you know?
- (SIREN BLARING) - You ask what temperature it is,
you get some tiny little number. I don't know what...
What? What is that supposed to mean?
Even the plugs here are bigger
than the things that they power.
Okay, ma'am, I've got to say something,
so do not interrupt me. All right?
I will interrupt you whenever I want to interrupt you.
Okay, okay, but this is...
Like right now. If I wanted to interrupt you right now.
Okay. Ray is poison. He's got nothing to do with wellness.
He's a sickness, and you've got him bad, and you've got to get rid of him.
Do you actually think that I don't know that?
I just got "Brit-fucked"
by that balloon animal.
Ray's gone. Trust me.
(CHUCKLES)
That is such a huge relief.
He was getting into everything' you know?
Yeah, I know, I know.
I mean, my God,
Dan only hired him as a sex slave. (CHUCKLES)
(EXHALES)
What?
Uh...
Dan,
he hired Ray as a...
As a sex slave, did you not know?
He...
He pimped me out?
Yeah, yeah.
Who knows about this?
Me, Amy and Mike.
- Okay. - And Ben, Kent and Sue. Everybody.
Everybody pretty much knows, ma'am.
Give me my phone.
Just give it to me.
Yeah.
Dan is so fired.
DAN: I gotta say, Amy.
(STAMMERS) You're like an actual friend. I mean,
throughout all this, you know, me being made campaign manager over you,
I mean, you could have been a real bitch, and you've been great.
Well, I guess I'm a team player, so.
JONAH: Knock, knock.
Hey, buddy, how you doing?
Am I hallucinating?
Can I please get some better drugs?
How are you feeling? You doing okay?
What the fuck are you doing here, Jonah?
What, are you molesting coma patients?
Is that a thing?
I might, now. Maybe I'll just put them in some funny hats.
No, I'm just here because I wanted to
tell you how sorry I am that you had a massive nervous breakdown.
Oh, yeah.
I also just wanted to tell you that I'm the one that broke you,
because I broke that personal trainer story,
that was me.
What are you talking about?
Oh, I got a tip from some super hot British chick.
I'm actually going to see her right now.
So those flowers aren't for Dan?
Fuck, no.
No, those are for my filthy Mary Poppins,
and I'm gonna give her (IN BRITISH ACCENT) a "spoonful of sugar."
How delightful.
I have to go, so get well, and...
Ah, on the other hand,
Selina just fired you as campaign manager,
so take as long as you need.
Take longer.
KENT: Sue, forgive me.
This is a terrible thing to ask,
but I'm afraid that we're going to have to cancel Prince Charles.
Do you realize how difficult and demeaning it was for me to set up that meeting?
And it was a triumph, Sue.
You have put me in a hideous situation.
Remotely, I might add.
So from now on, remotely is how we will interact.
KENT: Sue, there's no need to take that tone.
I'm used to a better class of tone, so just...
She had to take another call.
- Uh-huh. - AMY: Of course. Okay.
I have to take this outside.
Yep.
My flight doesn't leave until tomorrow night,
so I figured it makes sense for me to be on Air Force Two.
Uh. In what world would that make sense?
You need to get on your running machine,
and run away.
Running machines don't go anywhere.
I understand.
I get it.
KENT: Ma'am.
I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Oh, my God. Seriously?
Okay, let's just,
add it to the fucking heap.
The First Lady has attempted to take her own life.
SELINA: Oh! What?
How?
Overdose of sleeping pills and vodka.
That's why POTUS sent for Ben.
It was touch and go there for a while.
SELINA: Oh...
Really makes you put your own problems into perspective. Doesn't it?
Seriously.
It does.
Although your problems are still pretty bad.
Yeah, they are.
RAY: I couldn't help but overhear, but I always thought
that lady was a little damaged.
Jesus fucking Christ.
You're fired.
Okay? Get out.
Unbelievable. -SELINA; Isn't it?
All right, so I think this is the last of it.
Okay.
Wait, wait. What are we gonna do about Dan?
I don't care. He missed the last chopper out.
And, Ame?
You are now officially
the new campaign manager.
Yes, ma'am. Thank you.
SELINA: Okay.
MIKE: So then I'm not in charge anymore?
Correct.
Good, 'cause I could use a nap.
Okay, let's get the merrie olde fuck
out of merrie olde England.
I need to be driven to the airport at "Diana speed," okay?
Just more carefully, though, please.
Ow.
JONAH: Okay, let's check out your chart.
Let's see how you're doing here. Okay.
All right. "Dan Egan,
"67, female.
"Unemployed campaign manager.
"30 different types of semen
"pumped from stomach,
"inverted nipples,
"abnormally high douche readings."
That makes sense.
"Cancer of the soul,
"traces of dog excrement found around the corners of the mouth,
"chronic cretinism, leprosy,
"anal bleeding,
"tiny child balls"?
Ripped By mstoll