♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] > GOOD EVENING:
I'M ANDERSON COOPER: AND IF YOU
EVER WONDERED WHAT'S WHITER THAN
ST. PATRICK'S DAY, YOU'RE
LOOKING AT IT:
TONIGHT A WHITE HOUSE MAKING BIG
MUSE, ANDREW McCABE IS OUT:
FIRED LATE ON FRIDAY: A DAY
FOREE WAS ABLE TO RECEIVE
HIS PENSION:
HERE TO EXPLAIN THE MAN WHO HAD
TO DO THE FIRING: ATTORNEY
GENERAL JEFF SESSIONS:
HELLO, LOOK AT ME: I STILL
GOT A JOB:
SIR, CAN YOU GIVE US THE
EXACT REASON McCABE WAS FIRED?
WELL, YES, ALL COSTS:
MR. McCABE WAS IN CLEAR
VIOLATION OF -- BECAUSE OF HIS
LACK OF CANDOR: WHAT -- ION'T
KNOW, I CAN'T EVEN DANCE AROUND:
TRUMP MADE ME DO IT:
McCABE HE SAW TOO MUCH:
OKAY: SO THIS WAS NOT YOUR
DECISION?
LOOK I'M ALWAYS DOWN T
CLOWN: BUT THIS WAS SNEAK WE
EVEN FOR ME:
I'M JUST A SIMPLE MAN WHO WANTED
TO MAKE THINGS BAD FOR
IMMIGRANTS: AND NOW HERE I AM
TAKING AWAY THE PENSION OF A
CHRISTIAN WHITE:
IT AIN'T RIGHT:
WELL: THERE ARE RUMORS THAT
YOU MIGHT BE THE NEXT TO DO?
WELL: FRANKLY I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'VE LASTED THIS LONG
I'M LIKE THE ENERGIZER BUNNY: I
KEEP GOING AND GOING: AND I
DRINK WATER LIKE THIS:
[ LAUGHTER ]
LOOK: YOU ALL NEED ME RIGHT
NOW, IF I GET FIRED: HE'S GOING
TO LAUNCH ROBERT MUELLER RIGHT
INTO SPACE:
IF I DO GO, DON'T WORRY: I'M
STILL GOING TO WREAK HAVOC:
LIKE TARAJI P. HENSON SAID: I
CAN DO BAD ALL BY MYSELF:
THANK YOU, MR. SESSIONS:
> THIS WEEK HAS BROUGHT
SEVERAL HIGH PROFILE FIRINGS
FROM THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION:
INCLUDING REX TILLERSON: WHO
JOINS ME NOW:
HOW YOU DOING?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
QUITE WELL, SIR, QUITE WELL:
NOW, THE WAY THIS WENT DOWN MUST
HAVE BEEN A LITTLE EMBARRASSING
FOR YOU: BUT YOU'VE BEEN PRETTY
GRACIOUS ABOUT YOUR EXIT:
OH, YEAH:
IT JUST WASN'T A GOOD FIT:
BUT THESE THINGS HAPPEN:
NOW, IT WAS WIDELY REPORTED
THAT YOU WERE FIRED BY A TWEET
FROM THE ESIDENT?
WELL, THAT'S NOT TRUE:
JOHN KELLY CALLED ME PERSONALLY:
HE SAID: WHERE ARE YOU?
I SAID: SIR, THAT'S PRIVATE?
HE SAID OH, GOOD: ARE YOU ON THE
TOILET?
BECAUSE I GOT SOME NEWS:
ARE YOU OKAY?
FINE:
IT'S JUST CRAZY HOW ONE DAY
YOU'RE THE CEO OF EXXON: A $50
BILLION COMPANY:
AND THE NEXT DAY YOU GET FIRED
BY A MAN WHO USED TO SELL STEAKS
IN THE MAIL:
[ LAUGHTER ]
REX TILLERSON: OBVIOUSLY
STILL PROCESSING THIS:
JOINING ME NOW AWO PEOPLE
WHO HAVE A FIRSTHAND KNOWLEDGE
OF WHITE HOUSE DYSFUNCTION:
MICHAEL WOLFF: AND TRUMP KMUNGS
DIRECTOR FOR 11 DAYS: ANTHONY
SCARAMUCCI:
HOW YOU DOING?
IT'S ME THE MOOCH:
LIKE THESE THREADS:
FIRST SUIT MADE BY THE OLIVE
GARDEN:
MR. SCARAMUCCI: IT'S BEEN A
WHILE: WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO
LATELY?
WHAT WAS I UP TO BEFORE?
NOBODY KNOWS:
E FIFTH ET SPINNER AT THE
TRUMP WHITE HOUSE: I MADE A BIG
SPLASH: THEN ONE DAY EVERYBODY WAS LIKE: WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT:
SPEAKING OF 235IDING AWAY, REXY:
YOU AND I WE'RE KIND OF THE SAME
NOW, RIGHT?
NO.
STILL, REXY: IT WAS A BIG
SHOCK:
OH, PLEASE: I KNEW MONTHS
AGO.
NOW, MR. WOLFE: YOU SAW THE
DYSFUNCTION IN THE WHITE HOUSE
UP CLOSE: IS IT AS BAD AS THEY
SAY?
IT'S WORSE:
MUCH WORSE:
PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS: BUT
TRUMP WOULD LINE UP HIS STAFF
AND USE A LASER POINTER AND
CIRCLE THEIR LOVE HANDLES EVERY
DAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WOW!
IS THAT REALLY TRUE?
YEAH:
[ LAUGHTER ]
GENTLEMEN: ANY INSIGHTS
INTO --
TRUMP IS A MORON!
[ LAUGHTER ]
SORRY: I BLURTED THAT ONE
OUT.
FEELS NICE TO SAY WHAT I WANT:
CALL JURASSIC PARK: BECAUSE THE
REXY IS LOOSE:
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, WELL: THAT WAS VERY
STARTLING:
NOW, ANY INSIGHT INTO WHO'S NEXT
TO GO?
YEAH, JARED KUSHNER'S TOAST:
BABY:
LOOK: YOU DIDN'T HEAR THIS FROM
ME, BUT THE GUY IS IN DEBT UP TO
HIS CAJONES:
THE RUSSIANS,ED SAUDIS: TOMMY
TOUPEE DOWN AT THE AQUADUCT:
YOU'RE NOT RECORDING THIS: ARE
YOU?
YES, WE'RE ON LIVE TV:
OH, ANTHONY: YOU STEPPED IN
IT AGAIN?
ANY INSIGHT INTO WHO TRUMP
WILL PICK TO RUN THE FBI?
MY SOURCES TELL ME THE JOB IS
DOWN TO TWO CANDIDATES:
MILWAUKEE SHERIFF DAVID CLARK:
OR THE PRESIDENT'S FAVORITE TV
DETECTIVE, MONK:
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
OH, COMEON, IT SOUNDS RIGHT:
DOESN'T IT?
I SUPPOSE:
I DON'T KNOW -- SHUT UP:
IT'S ALL IN MY NEW BOOK:
YOU'RE WRITING ANOTHER BOOK
ABOUT THE WHITE HOUSE?
YEAH: AND THIS ONE'S GOING TO
BLOW YOUR MIND:
NOW, I'MOT IN THE WHITE HOUSE
ANY MORE: BUT I HAVE A NEW
SOURCE THAT TELLS ME EVERYTHING:
OH, YEAH, YEAH: I HEARD ABOUT
THIS GUY:
WHAT A RAT:
COMPLETELY OFF THE RECORD: IT'S
ME.
WAIT: IS THIS BEING RECORDED?
YES.
YES, WE'RE STILL ON LIVE
TELEVISION:
AYE-YAY-YAY:
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO MENTION ME
BY NAME: ARE YOU?
OF COURSE I AM:
YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME LOOK
GO, RIT?
YEAH FP:
I LOVE THIS GUY:
ALL RIGHT: NOW, LET'S TAKE A
BREAK:
WHEN WE COME BACK: WE'LL HAVE
THE FIRST RETURNS FROM THE
RUSSN ELECTION:
PUTIN WON:
JUST A HUNCH:
WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A QUICK
BREAK:
BUT FIRST, LIVE FROM NEW YORK:
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT:
♪ Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE WITH BECK BENNETT:
AIDY BRYANT:
MICHAEL CHE:
PETE DAVIDSON:
LESSCY JONES:
COLIN JOST:
KATE McKINNON:
KYLE MOONEY:
CECILY STRONG:
KEENAN THOMPSON:
FEATURING MIKEY DAY:
HEIDI GARDINER:
ALEX MOFFAT:
LUKE NULL:
CHRIS REDD:
MELISSA VILLASENOR:
MUSICAL GUEST, ARCADE FIRE:
AND YOUR HOST, BILL HADER:
♪
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN:
BILL HADER --
♪ LET'S HEAR IT, COME ON: THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU:
THANK YOU:
WOW!
HAPPY ST: PATRICK'S DAY.
YEAH!
IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK ON
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE:"
I WAS ON THIS SHOW FOR EIGHT
SEASONS:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
210 EPISODES: I WAS NERVOUS FOR
EVERY ONE OF THEM: AND I'M
NERVOUS NOW!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
BUT THERE'S STILL SO MUCH I'M
LEARNING:
DID YOU KNOW THAT MOST HOSTS
COME ON THE SHOW TO PROMOTE
SOMETHING: LIKE WHEN THEY ASKED
ME TO HOST, I SAID, I'D LOVE TO:
BUT I HAVE THIS NEW SHOW CALLED
BARRY ON HBO PREMIERING MARCH
25th, IS THAT A CONFLICT OF
INTEREST?
THEY SAID, NO, IT HELPS:
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DIDN'T KNOW TH:
ANOTHER THING I NEVER REALIZED:
YOU KNOW WHEN SOMEONE DOES AN
IMPRESSION OF A CELEBRITY: AND
THEN THE REAL CELEBRITY SNEAKS
UP BEHIND THEM LIKE TAP: TAP, I
JUST CAUGHT YOU:
THAT'S PLANNED:
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT:
FROM THE GET GO:
I ALWAYS THOUGHT THE CELEBRITY
WA MAY WALKING DOWN THE
STREET AND A NEWS BOY WAS LIKE:
HEY, THEY'RE DOING YOU ON TV:
THE CELEBRITY WAS LIKE, HONEY:
YOU AND THE KIDS TAKE A CAB
HOME, I HAVE TO STOP THIS:
ONE THING I LEARNED AFTER
LEAVING THE SHOW WAS THAT FIRST
COMMERCIAL AFTER THE MONOLOGUE:
THE ONES WE'RE IN, THE ONES THAT
ARE LIKE IT'S TOOTHPASTE WITH
CRACK IN IT:
THOSE ARE FAKE:
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT:
CAN'T BUY THOSE PRODUCTS:
YOU KNOW: ANOTHER THING I
LEARNED: YOU CAN MAKE THE
MONOLOGUE AS SHORT AS YOU WANT
OPINION SO LET'S MOVE ON TO THE
NEXT SKETCH: WHAT DO YOU SAY
YOU?
GUYS WANT TO DO THAT?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THEY HAVE TO TEAR YOURLOTHES
OFF AND PUT ON NEW ONES:
THEY CALL IT A QUICK CHANGE:
OR A TICKING TIMEBOMB:
BY THE WAY, ARCADE FIRE IS HERE:
I HAVE THREE DAUGHTERS WATCHING
FROM HOME: THEIR NAMES ARE
HANNAH, HARPER AND HALEY:
THEY'RE ALSO KNOWN IN THE
NEIGHBORHOOD AS THE HADER
SISTERS: THEY'RE WATCHING FROM A
PLACE CALLED CALIFORNIA:
> NEXT ON THE CALIFORNIANS:
NO.
I'M ON THE PROPERTY: I
RECOGNIZED IT RIGHT AWAY: FROM
THE BOUGANVIA CASCADING OVER THE
SECURITY GATE:
BUT NO ONE'S HERE:
I AM.
♪
SORRY TO STARTLE YOU:
THAT'S OKAY:
I LOVE TSE BEAUTIFUL BEECHWOOD
FLOORS:
ROSA CLEANED THEM WITH
CALIFORNIA MEYER LEMONS:
I MISS ROSA:
LOOK HOW SMART SHE WAS:
WHAT HAPPENED TO ROSA:
ANYWAY: WHY WOULD SHE GIVE UP
THIS PRIMO MADE GIG:
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THE
TRUTH:
TELL ME:
DEN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE: AND WHAT ARE YOU ABOUT TO
SAY?
YOU WEREN'T HERE: SO I HAVE
TO SHOW YOUR NEW MAID AROUND:
I'M NOT A MAID: I'M AN ESTATE
MANAGER FROM L:A.
I DROVE MY CONVERTIBLE UP
SEPULVEDA, TURNED ON LA BREA:
TOOK IT ALL THE WAY STRAIGHT:
WELL: YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN ON
TI IF YOU JUST TOOK CULVER TO
THE ONE: THEN TURNED RIGHT ON
SUN SET:
THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS TO DO ON
GOOGLE MAPS:
DEVIN, I USE WAVES:
THAT'S WHY YOU ENDED U IN
ENGLEWOOD, BRAH:
WAYS ISN'T ALWAYS RIGHT:
STEWART:
YES, IT IS, I LOVE WAVES:
GOOGLE MAPS GIVES YOU TRAFFIC
UPDATES STEWART:
I'M SORRY: WHY DID ROSA
DECIDE TOO LEAVE?
I CAN'T THINK ABOUT THAT NOW:
I HAVE MY ATHLEISURE WEAR
LAUNCH:
ROSE WAS DEPORTED, MARIE:
♪ CALIFORNIANS: THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING TO
MY LAUNCH PARTY:
TO STEWART'S NEW ATHLEISURE
WEAR:
CHEERS TO WEST COAST FIT: I'M
READY TO INVEST:
I CAN'T WAIT TO WEAR YOUR
ATHLEISURE ON MY RUNS ON
BEACH:
STEWART, THIS PARTY IS A HIT:
NOTHING COULD RUIN IT: MAN.
WHAT IF I TOLD EVERYBODY YOUR
WIFE LEFT YOU FOR A MARINE
BIOLOGIST IN FRESNO?
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT Y'RE
TALKING ABOUT DEVIN:
YOU'RE DRUNK ON THAT CALIFORNIA
RICH SPARKLING ROSE:
NOT TOO DRUNK TO KNOW SHE GOT
IN HER PRIUS HYBRID DROVE
STRAIGHT UP THE 5:
EXIT 101?
THAT'S THEQUARIUM IN FRESNO:
SHE DID IT TO GET AWAY FROM
YOU, STUART:
I JUST WANT TO RUN AWAY UP
THE 110, ON THE SHOULDER:
I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY:
WHO ARE YOU?
I'M ROSA'S LONG LOST SON:
SHE TOLD ME MY FATHER WOULD BE
HERE, HIS NAME IS DEVIN:
WHAT?
WHAT IS WITH THAT ACCENT?
WHERE ARE YOU GUYS FROM?
WE'RE FROM CALIFORNIA:
WELL, I'M FROM ENCINO: AND
I'VE NEVER HEARD ANYTHING LIKE
THAT BEFORE:
♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪
"THE CALIFORNIANS:"
> HIYA: YOU'RE WATCHING
IRELAND ONE:
THE ONLY TELEVISION ON THE TELE
NOT CONTROLLED BY THE BLEEDING
BRITISH:
NEXT UP: IT'S OUR NUMBER ONE
DATING SHOW:
"KISS ME: I'M IRISH!"
HIYA: WELCOME TO "KISS ME I'M
IRISH:"
TODAY ONE FELLA WILL CHOOSE
BETWEEN THREE IRISH ROSES TO SEE
WHICH ONE SMELLS THE SWEETEST:
LET'S MEET OUR DANNY BOY:
I'M CALLED NIALL: I'M FROM
DANGLE:
MY FAVORITE FOOD IS GRAY:
MY CLAIM TO FAME IS THAT I ONCE
PUNCHED BONO IN THE BACK OF THE
HEAD:
AT LEAST I THINK IT WAS BONO:
WELL: BETTER TO BEAFE THAN
SORRY:
WHAT KIND OF GIRL ARE YOU HOPING
TO MEET?
NOT TO BE TOO PICKY: BUT A
GIRL I SUPPOSE:
UNMARRIED:
WELL, YOU'RE IN LUCK: WE HAVE
THREE OF THEM BEHIND THAT WALL
THERE:
EACH ONE IS BEAUTIFUL AS THEIR
SKIN IS BRIGHT RED UNDER THEIR
MAKE-UP:
LET'S MEET THEM:
I'M EILEEN: I'M A GOOD
CATHOLIC GIRL: WHICH MEANS I
LOVE GOD AND GOD HATES ME:
BECAUSE I'M THINKI IMPURE
THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU:
HI, I'M MOLLY: I'M IRISH
AMERICAN: BUT I LIVE OVER HERE
BECAUSE I'M STUDYING STONES:
AND IF YOU FOLLOW THISAINB:
YOU MIGHT GET A POT OF GOLD:
I'VE GOT 35 SUSPICIOUS
FRECKLES ON MY BODY:
I'M LOOKING FOR A GUY TO CHECK
THE ONES I CAN'T SEE.
I HAVE A COUSIN FROM --
O' CONNOR!
AY, THAT'S ME!
IS IT NOW?
WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?
COUSINS: SOUNDS LIKE MY
CHANCES JUST GOT BETTER:
WHAT DO YOU SAY, NIALL:
FIRST IMPRESSION OF THE GIRLS?
WELL: NUMBER THREE IS MY
COUSIN:
SHE'S DEFINITELY OFF TO AN EARLY
LEAD:
WHAT?
BUT CORN TEST ANTS ONE AND
TWO, I'M OPEN TO LEARNING MORE
ABOUT YOU:
SEEMS LIKE THERE'S SOME
COMPETITION:
NIALL: WHAT'S YOUR FIRST
QUESTION?
WELL, CALL ME OLD FASHIONED:
BUT I LIKE A GIRL WHO KNOWS HER
WAY AROUND THE KITCHEN:
NUMBER THREE: WHAT WOULD YOU
MAKE ME FOR SUPPER?
WAIT: THE COUSIN IS STILL
PLAYING?
THAT'S EASY: I'D MAKE OUR
NANA'S FAMOUS POACHED PIE:
I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVED IT AS
A KI
GREAT ANSWER:
I'M SORRY: BUT THIS IS
RIDICULOUS:
I KNOW, RIGHT: LIKE WHAT IS
GOING ON:
SHE HAS G A I UP ON US:
THEY'RE COUSINS: HOW ARE WE
SUPPOSED TO COMPETE WITH THAT:
OKAY: THAT WAS NOT WHAT I WAS
GOING TO SAY:
SETTLE DOWN: PLENTY OF
BACHELORS ON THE SHOW:
HAVE PICKED A GIRL THAT ARE
NONCOUSINS:
TRUST ME: CONTESTANT ONE AND
TWO, YOU'RE BOTH STILL VERY MUCH
STILL IN THE GAME:
WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEXT
QUESTION, CONTESTANT ONE: WHERE
WOULD YOU TAKE ME ON A FIRST
DA?
THAT'S EASY MANY I'D TAKE YOU
TO MY FAVORITE PUB IN DOLAN:
WHERE THE DRINKS ARE FREE AND WE
CAN STAY PAST CLOSE:
BECAUSE I KNOW THE OWNER: HE'S
ME DAD.
I KNOW THE OWNER TOO: HE'S MY
UNCLE:
EILEEN: IT'S ME, YOUR COUSIN
NIALL:
COUSIN NIALL:
ST. JOHN'S GHOST: THE GAME
JUST GOT A LOT MORE COMPETITIVE:
MORE COMPETITIVE?
YOU'RE RELATED: THE GAME SHOULD
BE OVER:
I'M AFRAID YOU'RE IN A TOUGH
SPOT, MOLLY:
VERY RARELY DOES THE BACHELOR
PICK THE NON-COUSIN WHEN THERE
ARE TWO COUSINS IN THE RUNNING:
ALL RIGHT, YOU LUCKY BOY:
NEXT QUESTION ABOUT
LADIES: WHAT'S YOUR IDEA OF
ROMANTIC EVENING?
LET'S START WITH CONTESTANT
NUMB TWO
I GUESS DINNER WITH A GUY WHO
ISN'T RELATED TO ME?
PICKY, PICKY:
HOW ABOUT YOU CONTESTANT NUMBER
ONE?
MY IDEA OF A ROMANTIC EVENING
WOULD BE WEDDINGS: FUNERALS AND
HOLY COMMUNIONS: BECAUSE THAT'S
WHEN I GET TO SEE YOU MANY:
[ AUDIENCE AAS ]
THE AUDIENCE LIKES THAT?
WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE HERE: YOU
DON'T LOVE YOUR FAMILY?
CONTESTANT NUMBER THREE: YOUR
TURN:
WHAT'S YOUR IDEA OF A ROMANTIC
EVENING?
I THINK YOU REMEMBER THREE
GOOD FRIDAYS AGO IN THE ALLEY
BEHIND THE FISH MONGERS:
OH, THAT I DO, THAT I DO:
EWW, SO YOU ALREADY HOOKED UP
WITH YOUR COUSIN?
CALM DOWN: WE DIDN'T HAVE
SEX.
WE JUST HAD SEX: WE DIDN'T GET
MARRIED OR NOTHING:
IS THIS IS A KNOWN THING?
LIKE IS THIS COMMON HERE?
AREN'T YOU GUYS WOIED OUT
DEFORMITIES FROM INBREEDING:
WHAT, LIKE BIRD BONES: LIKE
SOFT SKULL:
STRAWBERRY NOSE:
TICK-TAC TEETH:
BROWN BLOOD:
ONE BIG TOE:
GREAT ADVICE: BUT YOU'RE ABOUT
500 YEARS TOO LATE:
THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS HAD A
CRUSH ON HIM: HE'S GOT IT GOING
ON UP HERE:
OKAY:
I'M GOING TO STAY: BUT ONLY
BECAUSE I'M MORBIDLY CURIOUS
ABOUT WHO'S GOING TO WIN:
♪
THAT SONG MEANS FATHER
MICHAEL IS COMING IN TO HEAR
CONFESSIONS:
IT'S TIME FOR US TO TAKE A QUICK
BREAK:
I'M AIDAN KILLKENNY AND WE'LL BE
RIGHT BACK:
♪
WHAT TIME IS IT? IS JEANNIE STILL COMING? I JUST GOT A TEXT:
SHE'S SAYING THEY'RE IN THE
ELEVATOR:
THEY?
OH, MY GOD.
WAIT: IS SHE BRINGING HER
BOYFRIEND?
HIS NAME IS HORACE AND
THEY'RE MAIED:EMEMBER?
DOES SHE GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT
HIM?
IT'S JUST SO WEIRD:
YOU JUST THINK IT'S WEIRD
BECAUSE HE'S AROUND OLDER MAN:
OH, SHH, SHH -- THEY'RE
COMING:
HI, HI.
SORRY WE'RE LATE:
IT'S BEEN A CHAOTIC WEEK:
HORACE'S SONS ARE SUING ME
AGAIN:
HOARACE:
OH, HE'S LOOKING AT YOUR --
HEY!
HORACE!
BE CAREFUL:
YOU ARE BEING SUCH A DUDE RIGHT
NOW.
GOD, MEN.
HOW DO WE: LADIES?
SPEAKING OF ANNA: HOW WAS
YOUR HONEYMOON?
OH, PARIS WAS AMAZING:
HORACE: THEY WENT TO PARIS!
ANNA WENT TO PARIS!
UH-HUH.
THAT'S SO ROMANTIC:
YOU KNOW: HORACE USED TO LIVE
IN PARIS:
DURING WORLD WAR II:
HE CAN SPEAK FLUENT FRENCH:
HORACE SPEAK SOME FRENCH!
HORACE, SPEAK FRENCH TO THEM:
NO.
OH, MR. COMEDIAN:
BECAUSE "NO" IS THE SAME IN
FRENCH:
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE LAUGHING AT YOUR OWN
JOKES MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE: AS
USUAL:
IS HE STILL LAUGHING OR IS
MAYBE SOMETHING WRONG?
NO.
HE'S JUST TICKLED:
DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM:
ARE YOU SURE HE'S OKAY?
YES.
JUST LET HIM HAVE HIS LAUGHING
FIT.
ARE YOU DONE?
OKAY:
SO ARE WE GOING TO PLAY UNO
OR WHAT?
YES.
I'M READY?
OH, IS HORACE PLAYING?
JEANNIE, IT'S HERE NOW:
LIKE RIGHT NOW?
THAT'S INCONVENIENT:
WHAT'S HERE?
YOU KNOW HOW WE'RE TRYING TO
GET PREGNANT AND I'VE BEEN
WORKING WITH A SPECIALIST AND
DOING ALL THESE TREATMENTS:
YADDA, YADDA: YADDA -- HIS
CIALIS KICKED IN:
IT'S HERE:
WE GOTTA GO:
WAIT:
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WELL: WJUSTAVE TO TAKE
ADVANTAGE WHEN IT'S HERE:
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW:
WHY?
BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT: DON'T
WORRY:
'CAUSE I HAVE THE COURTESY
BLANKET:
SO, YOU WON'T SEE ANYTNG:
YO!
YEP!
WAIT, WAIT:
DON'T DO THAT HERE:
OH, IT'S A GOOD ONE:
WE HAVE TO:
YOU GUYS KNOW HOW MUCH I WANT A
BABY:
OH, MY GOD.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT OLD MAN HERE:
OH, YEAH!
LOOK OUT!
YOU GUYS: IT'S LIKE
BREAST-FEEDING IN PUBLIC:
IT'S ABOUT ACCOMPLISHING A TASK:
NOT A SEXUAL THING:
BUT SEX IS A SEXUAL THING:
NO, ANNA, BELIEVE ME: THIS IS
SCIENCE BY THE NUMBERS:
IT'S CNICA BORING:
OKAY, WELL: CAN YOU AT LEAST
USE THE BEDROOM?
DON'T OFFER MY BEDROOM: I
SLEEP IN THERE:
GUYS, IT'S NOTHING: OKAY?
I CAN TALK AND CHEW GUM AT THE
SAME TIME:
LET'S JUST PLAY:
HORACE: CAN YOU TAKE ME TO THE
TABLE?
SLOW, HORACE:
SLOW:
HORACE:
SLOW:
HORACE:
THOSE ARE MY CARDS:
OKAY, I WILL GO FIRST: I
GUESS:
O YE.
MY CARDS ARE TERRIBLE:
YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M SORRY:
I CAN'T DO THIS:
I CAN'T --
YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR CARDS IF
YOU WANT:
NOT THE GAME: YOU ON YOUR
HUSBAND DOING THAT:
OU GUYS, SERIOUSLY: YOU KNOW
HOW IMPORTANT BEING A MOM IS TO
ME P.M.
I KNOW THAT: AND I'M TRYING
TO NOT SEE WHAT I'M SEEING: BUT
I THINK THIS IS MAKING IT TO THE
POINT WHERE I CAN NEVER LOOK AT
YOU AGAIN:
OH, MY GOD, DOES EVERYONE
FEEL THAT WAY?
ACTUALLY, YEAH:
WOW!
OKAY:
I GUESS WE WILL LEAVE:
COME ON, HORACE:
SLOW:
HORACE:
YOU KNOW WHAT: NO.
YOU KNOW WHAT: YOU SHOULD BE
ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES:
THIS WOMAN IS YOUR FRIEND:
SHE ALWAYS DREAMED OF BEING A
MOM.
IT'S BEEN A VERY DIFFICULT
JOURNEY FOR HER:
AND SHE NEEDS YOUR SUPPORT: IF
YOU C'T GE HER THAT: THEN
YOU'RE NOT A KIND FRIEND:
YOU'RE RIGHT:
WE ARE SORRY:
YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE AN
EXCELLENT MOTHER:
OH!
HORACE:
OKAY:
> 25 YEARS AGO:
STEVEN SPIELBERG OPENED THE
DOORS TO "JURASSIC PARK:"
AND INSIDE THOSE DOORS --
SPOILER ALERT -- WERE DINOSUARS:
NOW, AS PART OF THE 25th
ANNIVERSARY RERELEASE: YOU CAN
WATCH THE 1992 SCREEN TESTS:
HUGH GRANT FOR
DR. ALLEN GRANT:
YES, UM, HATE TO BE A BOTHER:
BUT, UM --
IF YOU LOOK BEHIND YOU: THERE'S
A --
WELL, THERE'S A BOLT OF A T-REX:
AND I THOUGHT PERHAPS WE SHOULD
MOVE FASTER?
TO ESCAPE ITS -- RATHER LARGE
TEETH:
ALAN ALDA FOR MULDOON:
CLEVER GIRL:
WHEN THAT DINOSAUR COMES OUT AND
ATTACKS ME?
OH, YOU GUYS, THAT IS GREAT:
THAT IS JUST TERRIFIC:
AND HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SHOOT
THE DINOSAUR?
IS IT GONNA BE FORCED
PERSPECTIVE?
YOU KNOW: THAT'S HOW WE SHOT
JAMIE FARR ON "MASH:"
YEAH: NO, HE'S ONLY ABOUT TWO
FEET TALL:
ELLENeGENES FOR
DR. SATTLER:
ALL RIGHT: WOW!
THAT'S A GIGANTIC PILE OF DINO
POOP:
I'VE HAD STOOLS ON STAGE BEFORE:
BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS:
I'M JUST KIDDING:
M '90s ELLEN:
SAY, I'M TELLIN' Y'ALL, TRUST
ME.
SPEND YOUR MONEY:
ALL RIGHT?
IRS CAN'T TAKE IT IF IT'S
ALREADY SPENT:
CAN'T TAKE SOMETHING ALREADY
GONE:
THAT'S A TAX LOOPHOLE FOR YOUR:
BROTHER:
WESLEY: COULD WE GET THE
LINE?
OH, YEAH:
BINGO, DINO DNA:
NOW IF YOU WANT MY ACCOUNT'S
NUMBER, I GOT YOU:
IT'S 1-900 --
ROSEANNE BARR FOR
JOHN HAMMOND:
WELCOME TO JURASSIC PARK:
DAN!
ADAM SANDLER FOR MULDOON:
[ MUMBLING ]
TURKEY-LURKEY DOO AND A
TURKEY-LURKEY DEE:
I LIKE THE T-REX: DOES T-REX
LIKE ME?
AH, SHUT UP!
WHOOPI GOLDBERG AS
DR. STATTLER:
WELL, LET'S TALK ABOUT IT:
'CAUSE THE LAST THING I NEED
RIGHT NOW IS DINOSAURS:
AND THEN I'LL GET THE DINOSAUR
LOOK LIKE --
PEE-WEE HERMAN --
AHH!
HA-HA.
AH-AH-AH, YOU DIDN'T SAY THE
MAGIC WORD!
HA!
HA-HA!
HE-HE.
ARG-ARG-ARG:
DREW BARRYMORE FOR
DR. STATTLER:
THERE ARE BRONTOSAURUSES AND
BRACHIOSAURSES AND
APATOSAURUSES:
BUT I HAVE TO WONDER: ARE WE
PLAYING D?
JOEY LAWRENCE FROM "BLOSSOM:"
OKAY: REACT TO SEEING THE
DINOSAURS FOR THE FIRST TIME:
WHOA!
ALL RIGHT: WANT TO TRY
ANYTHING ELSE?
NO!
GWEN STEFANI AS THE TEENAGE
GIRL:
I'M JUST A GIRL:
DON'T EAT ME BIG DINOSAUR:
CAN WE GET A FRIGHTENED
SCREAM?
OHHH:
SINBAD:
NOW, Y'LL KNOW THAT MY WIFE
IS A TRICERATOPS: RIGHT?
YEAH:
I WAIT DOWNSTAIRS WHILE SHE
TRIES ON SEVERAL TOPS:
HOW Y'ALL DOING?
Y'ALL GOOD?
GOT YOUR LADY?
AL PACINO:
WELCOME TO JURASSIC PARK!
YOU DUMB [ BLEEP ]!
OKAY, MR. PACINO: THIS MOVIE
IS SUPPOSED TO BE PG:
PG?
THAT'S GONNA BE A [ BLEEP ]
NIGHTMARE FOR THIS GUY:
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
ALL RIGHT:
WHICH DINOSAUR DO I BUY THE
COCAINE FROM?
LISA KUDROW:
WELL, THERE'S THE T-REX:
AND MUST MOVE FASTER:
MUST MOVE FASTER!
OH, NO, OH, NO.
MUST MOVE FASTER!
JALEEL WHITE:
OKAY: SO YOU JUST LET ALL THE
DINOSAURS LOOSE ON THE ISLAND:
DID I DO THAT?
I GOT BITCHES IN MY TRAILER:
DOG.
I GOTTA GO: MAN.
EDDIE VEDDER FOR THE
SOUNDTRACK:
♪ RAPTORS ARE OPENING
OPENING THE DOOR
DADDY -- ♪
JODIE FOSTER AS MR: DNA.
[ WHISPERING ]
SOMETIMES A MOSQUITO WOULD GET
CAUGHT IN THE SAP:
IT WAS SO STICKY:
SO STICKY:
COULD YOU TA LITTLE
HAPPIER?
THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I'VE
EVER BEEN:
TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY:
O.J. SIMPSON:
OKAY:
SO, IF I DID LET THE DINOSAURS
OUT, LET ME TELL YOU HOW I WOULD
HAVE DONE IT:
HYPOTHETICALLY:
MAN, 1992!
IT IS GOOD TO BE O.J. RIGHT NOW:
AIN'T NOTHING GOING TO SLOW THIS
TRAIN DOWN:
GO O.J., GO.
CLINT EASTWOOD, TAKE ONE:
WELCOME TO JURASSIC PARK:
THE 25th ANNIVERSARY OF
JURASSIC PARK:
> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: ARCADE FIRE! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
♪ SOME BOYS HATE THEMSELVES SPEND THEIR LIVES
RESENTING THEIR FATHERS ♪
♪ SOME GIRLS
HATE THEIR BODIES
STAND IN THE MIRROR
AND WAIT FOR THE FEEDBACK ♪
♪ SAYING GOD MAKE ME FAMOUS
IF YOU CAN'T
JUST MAKE IT PAINLESS
JUST MAKE IT PAINLESS ♪
♪
♪ ASSISTED SUICIDE
SHE DREAMS ABOUT DYING
ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ SHE TOLD ME
SHE CAME SO CLOSE
FILLED UP THBATHTUB AND
PUT ON OUR FIRST RECORD ♪
♪ SAYING GOD MAKE ME FAMOUS
IF YOU CAN'T
JUST MAKE IT PAINLESS
JUST MAKE IT PAINLESS ♪
♪
♪ IT GOES ON AND ON
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT
ON AND ON
I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT IT ♪
♪ ON AND ON
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT
ON AND ON
I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT IT ♪
♪ ON AND ON
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT
ON AND ON
I DON'OW IF I WANT IT ♪
♪ ON AND ON
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT
ON AND ON
I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT IT ♪
♪
♪ SOME GIRLS HATE THEMSELVES
HIDE UNDER THE COVERS
WITH SLEEPING PILLS AND ♪
♪ SOME GIRLS CUT THEMSELVES
STAND IN THE MIRROR
ANIT FOR THE FEEDBACK ♪
♪ SOME BOYS GET TOO MUCH
TOO MUCH LOVE
TOO MUCH TOUCH ♪
♪ SOME BOYS
STARVE THEMSELVES
STAND IN THE MIRROR
AND WAIT FOR THE FEEDBACK ♪
♪ CREATURE COMFORT
MAKES IT PAINLESS
BURY ME PENNILESS
AND NAMELESS ♪
♪ BORN IN A DIAMOND MINE
IT'S ALL AUND YOU
BUT YOU CAN'T SEE IT ♪
♪ BORN IN A DIAMOND MINE
IT'S ALL AROUNU
BUT YOU CAN'T TOUCH IT ♪
♪ SAYING GOD MAKE ME FAMOUS
IF YOU CAN'T
JUST MAKE IT PAINLESS
JUST MAKE IT PAINLESS ♪
♪ IT'S NOT PAINLESS
SHE WAS A FRIEND OF MINE
A FRIEND OF MINE
AND WE'RE NOT NAMELESS OH ♪
♪
♪ ON AND ON
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT
ON AND ON
I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT IT ♪
♪ ON AND ON
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT
ON AND ON
I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT IT ♪
♪ ON AND ON
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT
ON AND ON
I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT IT ♪
♪ ON AND ON
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT
WELL IF YOU'RE NOT SURE
BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY ♪
♪
♪ CREATURE COMFORT
MAKE IT PAINLESS ♪
♪
♪ CREATURE COMFORT
MAKE IT PAINLESS
WE'RE THE BONES
UNDER YOUR FEET ♪
♪ THE WHITE LIE
OF AMERICAN PROSPERITY
WE WANNA DANCE BUT WE
CAN'T FEEL THE BEAT ♪
♪ I'M A LIAR
DON'T DOUBT MY SINCERITY ♪
♪
♪ JUST MAKE IT PAINLESS
CREATURE COMFORT
MAKE IT PAINLESS ♪
♪ NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA
NA-NA-NA NA-NA-NA-NA
NA-NA-NA-NA NA-NA-NA
NA-NA-NA-NA NA-NA-NA ♪
♪ NA-NA-NA NA-NA-NA-NA
NA-NA-NA NA-NA-NA-NA
NA-NA-NA-NA NA-NA-NA ♪
♪ NA-NA-NA NA-NA-NA-NA
NA-NA-NA NA-NA-NA-NA
NA-NA-NA-NA NA-NA-NA ♪
♪ CREATURE COMFORT
MAKE IT PAINLESS ♪
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪ > IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN ST AND MICHAEL CHE:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
THANK YOU VERY MUCH:
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE:
WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE:
I'M MICHAEL CHE:
AND I'M COLIN JOST:
> THIS WEEK THE NATIONAL
UNEMPLOYMENT RATE HELD STEADY AT
4%, WHILE THE WHITE HOUSE
UNEMPLOYMENT RATE ROSE TOO ALL
OF THEM:
THE CRAZY THING IS: I'M STARTING
TO FEEL SOARRY FOR ALL THESE
PEOPLE TRUMP IS FIRING EVEN
THOUGH I THOUGHT THEY WERE
TERRIBLE AT THEIR JOBS:
SIX MONTHS AGO: COULD YOU
IMAGINE THINKING, HANG IN THERE:
JEFF SESSIONS?
THE LATEST VICTIM WAS FORMER
DEPUTY DIRECTOR ANDREW McCABE:
WHO WAS FIRED TWO DAYS BEFORE
HIS RETIREMENT:
OH, MAN, HE GOT DANNY GLOVERED:
EVENING THE JOKER IS LIKE: YOU
DON'T TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THAT:
I LOVE THAT TRUMP IS BEING EXTRA
MEAN TO THE FBI GUY WHO'S
DEFINITELY ABOUT TO TESTIFY
AGAINST HIM:
IT'S LIKE WALKING IN AND
ANNOUNCING TO THE WHOLE
RESTAURANT THAT YOU'RE NOT
TIPPING ANYONE BEFORE THEY MAKE
YOUR FOOD:
PRESIDENT TRUMP FIRED REX
TILLERSON AND REPLACED HIM WITH
MIKE POMPEO:
> INSIDERS ARE SAYING THAT
MORE MAJOR STAFF SHAKE-UPS COULD
BE COMING TO THE WHITE HOUSE:
TRUMP IS FIRING US LIKE HE'S
TRYING TO GET US UNDER THE
SALARY CAP OR SOMETHING:
IT'S LIKE WHEN THOSE DOMINO'S
COMMERCIALS SAY: WE'RE MAKING
SOME CHANGES:
YOU'RE LIKE, YEAH: BUZZ YOU'RE
STILL DOMINO
> ROBERT MUELLER HAS
SUBPOENAED DOCUMENTS FROM THE
TRUMP ORGANIZATION:
BY THE WAY: TRUMP ORGANIZATION
IS AN OXY MORON:
> STORMY DANIELS HAS OFFERED
TO RETURN THE $130,000 SHE WAS
PAID SO SHE CAN RELEASE ANY
TEXTS: PHOTOS OR VIDEOS SHE HAS
WITH DONALD TRUMP:
FOR WHAT?
SO THIS LADY IS TRYING TO SHOW
US REVENGE PORN OF A GRANDPA AND
WE'RE JUST OKAY WITH THAT?
WHAT ARE YOU EXPECTING TO SEE?
WHAT IF IT'S GOOD?
ARE YOU PREPARED FOR THAT?
ARE YOU PREPARED TO SEE DONALD
TRUMP TEAR UP SOME ASS:
I MEAN: HE'S 6'3" AND DUMB AS
ROCKS: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S
WORKING WITH DOWN THERE:
[ LAUGHTER ]
ALSO: CAN THE MEDIA STOP
GETTING US ALL RED UP WITH
HEADLINES: IS MUELLER MOVING IN
FOR THE KILL:
JUST STOP TEASING US IF THERE'S
NO PAYOFF:
I'M TOTALLY FINE WAITING: BUT
THEN YOU GOT TO STOP RUBBING THE
OUTSIDE OF MY PANTS:
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
SECRETARY OF EDUCATION BETSY
DeVOS WAS UNDER FIRE THIS WEEK:
AFTER A DISASTROUS 60 MINUTES
INTERVIEW:
HERE TO COLLAR PHI HER POINTS IS
BETSY DeVOS.
HELLO
HELLO:
THANK YOU: THANK YOU TO THE
AUDIENCE AND THE MAN:
GREAT, GREAT:
YEAH: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
COMING:
SO BETSY: WHAT HAPPENED IN THAT
INTERVIEW?
WELL: I -- I THINK THE
PROBLEM IS THAT THE WORDS THAT
WERE COMING OUT MOUTH WERE
BAD.
AND THAT IS BECAUSE THEY CAME
FROM MY BRAIN:
OKAY:
YEAH, SURE:
WHY DON'T WE GIVE YOU ANOTHER
CHANCE:
LIKE WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS
ABOUT PUBLIC SCHOOLS VERSUS
CHARTER SCHOOLS:
WELL, YOU KNOW: I DON'T LIKE
TO THINK OF THINGS IN TERMS OF
SCHOOL:
I THINK THE STATES SHOULD DECIDE
WHETHER THEY HAVE GOOD SCHOOL OR
BAD SCHOOL OR A BAD SCHOOL:
WHICHEVER THEY PREFER:
IN WYOMING, FOR EXAMPLE: WHICH
HAS MANY POTENTIAL GRIZZLIES:
THERE SHOULD BE A SCHOOL FOR
BEARS:
AND IN LOUISIANA: CROCODILE
CROSSING GUARDS AND IN NORTH
CAROLINA STOP BEING TRANS:
THAT'S WHAT'S GOOD FOR THEM:
OKAY:
YOU MIGHT BE THE MOST PROTESTED
MEMBER OF TRUMP'S CABINET:
BUT, WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS?
YOU KNOW: I THINK IT'S
BECAUSE I DO NOT DO A GOOD JOB:
AND I CAN'T BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW
HOW.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, YEAH:
RENTLYEOPLE HAVE BEEN
CRITICIZING YOUR POSITION ON
GUNS IN SCHOOLS:
WELL, AGAIN: I THINK THAT THE
STATES SHOULD BE ABLE TO CHOOSE
HOW THEY PROTECT THEIR SCHOOLS:
BASED ON THEIR CIRCUMSTANCES:
FOR EXAMPLE: IF TWO HOME ALONE
STYLE BANDITS WANT TO ROB A
SCHOOL:
THAT SCHOOL SHOULD HAVE THE
OPTION OF RED-HOT DOOR KNOBS OR
A PAINT CAN THAT SWINGS DOWN THE
STAIR CASE:
AND IN THAT, IT'S GOOD SCHOOLS:
GOOD CHOICE:
WHATEVER THEY CHOOSE: WE ARE
WORKING HARD TO ENSURE THAT ALL
SCHOOLS ARE SAFE LEARNING
ENVIRONMENTS FOR GUNS:
CAN I JUST ASK YOU SOMETHING:
DO YOU LIKE YOUR JOB?
NO, I DO NOT.
I DO SPEND MOST OF IT GETTING
JAEMED AT WHILE CLIMBING INTO AN
ESCALADE: BUT I DO LIKE VISITING GOOD SCHOOL AND DOING WORKSHEETS WITH
CUTE LITTLE BLACKS AND THE
OCCASIONAL STINKY POOR WHITE:
STINKY POOR WHITE?
YEAH:
DO YOU REALLY WANT TO SAY
THAT ON TV?
OH, I DID A FUDGE:
LOOK:
I MAY NOT BE VERY GOOD ON
CAMERA:
BUT BEHIND THE SCENES MY IDEAS
ARE MUCH WORSE:
BETSY DeVOS, EVERYONE:
> THIS WEDNESDAY WAS NATIONAL
WALKOUT DAY:
I'M SORRY: THAT'S THE WRONG
PICTURE:
OH, THERE IT IS:
YOU KNOW WHAT WE DO HERE: DON'T
YOU?
> VANESSA TRUMP FILED FOR
DIVORCE FROM HER HUSBAND
DONALD TRUMP JR:
IT'S A TOUGH BREAK: BUT I'M SURE
HE'LL TAKE IT ON THE NO CHIN:
> PRESIDENT TRUMP WELCOMED THE
WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS: THE
HOUSTON ASTROS TO THE WHITE
HOUSE:
BASEBALL IS THE ONE INDUSTRY
WHERE IMMIGRANTS ACTUALLY ARE
TAKING OUR JOBS:
THE HOUSTON ASTROS WERE NICE
ENOUGH TO GIVE TRUMP A JERSEY
WITH HIS APPROVAL RATING ON THE
BACK:
> WALMART HAS FILED A PATENT
FOR ROBOT BEES THAT COULD BE
USED TO POLLENATE CROPS LIKE
REAL BEES:
WHICH LEADS ME TO ASK: AT I
WALMART NOW?
IT'S A DEPARTMENT STORE THAT
BECAME A GROCERY STORE AND A
FIREARMS DEALER:
AND NOW THEY'RE JUST BUILDING AN
ARMY OF ROBOT BEES?
I MISS THE GOOD OLD DAYS WHEN
WALMART WAS JUST A PLACE WHERE I
SAW MY THIRD GRADE TEACHER PUNCH
A GREETER ON BLACK FRIDAY:
> TACO BELL IS NOW SELLING A
STRAWBERRY SKITTLES FREEZE MADE
WITH SKITTLES CANDY:
YOU KNOW, MEXICAN FOOD:
JUST LIKE MI ABUELLA USED TO
MAKE:
> CLEVELAND CAVALIERS POWER
FORWARD: KEVIN LOVE IS GETTING A
LOT OF PRAISE FOR AN ARTICLE HE
RECENTLY WROTE ABOUT MENTAL
HEALTH:
HERE WITH HIS TAKE ON LOVE'S
ARTICLE IS PETE DAVIDSON:
YEAH, THANK YOU:
THANKS, COLIN:
THANK YOU VERY MUCH:
I THINK I SPEAK FOR ALL CRAZY
PEOPLE WHEN I SAY --
[ SCREAMING ]
IT WAS GOOD:
IT MADE ME LAUGH EARLIER:
HAD A CRAZY FEELING: I LIKE
IT.
WELL, LAST WEEK: KEVIN LOVE
ONE OF THE LEAST HATABLE WHITE
GUYS ON THE PLANET: OPENED UP
ABOUT A PANIC ATTACK HE HAD
DURING A BASKETBALL GAME:
AND HE SAID IT OPENED HIS EYES
TO HOW NO ONE SHOULD BE TOO
PROUD TO TALK TO A MENTAL HEALTH
EXPERT IF THEY NEED IT:
THE ARTICLE WAS COMMENDABLE: IT
WAS PRAISED, AND I HATED IT:
YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT?
NO, IT WAS FINE: HE'S A GOOD
GUY, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH:
IT'S TOTALLY COOL HE HAD A PANIC
ATTACK: BUT IF YOU'RE GOING TO
WRITE AN ARTICLE ABOUT BEING
UNSTABLE: LEAVE IT TO THE BIG
BOYS:
ALL GHT?
I'M SORRY YOU MISSED YOUR
THREE-POINTER: KEV.
BUT I'VE BEEN IN THERAPY SINCE I
WAS 6-YEARS-OLD: AND I WANTED TO
KILL MYSELF WHEN I WAS EIGHT:
TOUGH NEWS ABOUT YOUR REBOUNDS:
THOUGH:
I'M SORRY: ARE YOU LIKE
BRAGGING?
SO WHAT IF I AM?
I LOVE BEING MENTALLY ILL:
I'M SO RELIEVED THAT EVERYONE
KNOWS THAT:
YOU KNOW?
NOW I DON'T HAVE TO HIDE
ANYTHING:
IF I'M OUT SOMEWHERE AND I'M
ACTING LIKE A DICK: THEY'RE
LIKE: OH, NO, NO, NO.
HE'S, YOU KNOW: HE'S MENTALLY
ILL.
AND IF I'M HAPPY, THEY'RE LIKE:
GOOD FOR HIM:
BUT NOW, YOU KNOW: KEVIN LOVE
JUST WALTZES IN WITH HIS PANIC
ATTACK AND JUST WATERS THE WHOLE
THING DOWN:
YOU KNOW, I HAVE TO SAY: YOU
SOUND JEALOUS?
I AM JEALOUS:
KEVIN LOVE IS, LIKE: HANDSOME
AND HE'S RICH AND HE'S A
BASKETBALL PLAYER:
HIS UNCLE'S A BEACH BOY:
THE WORST ONE BUT IT'S STILL
SICK:
HE'S GOT IT ALL:
YOU KNOW, LIKE:
HE DOESN'T NEED MY ONE THING:
YOU KNOW, LIKE LET MHAVEHAT:
YOU KNOW?
OR AT LEAST TRADE ME UNCLES:
YOUR UNCLE'S OUT THERE TOURING:
MAKING THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE:
WHEN I WAS SIX: MY UNCLE TOOK ME
CAMPING AND I CRAPPED MY PANTS
IN THE RAIN:
AND THEN I TOLD MY UNCLE WHAT I
DID, HE PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE:
AND THEN MY MOM TOLD ME NOT TO
TELL MY DAD BECAUSE MY DAD WOULD
KILL HIM:
AND THEN MY DAD DIED A MONTH
LATER:
BUT AGAIN: SORRY ABOUT YOUR FREE
THROW PERCENTAGE:
IN KEVIN'S DEFENSE, HE IS RIGHT:
NO, I GOT TO SAY AT: SO PEOPLE
DON'T GET MAD:
I HAVE TO PRETEND THAT I CARE
ABOUT THIS GUY:
NO, IF YOU EVER HAVE A PANIC
ATTACK: YOU SHOULD SEE A MENTAL
HEALTH PROFESSIONAL:
NO MATTER HOW MINIMAL THE
EPISODE:
BUT JUST DO ME A FAVOR: LIKE
STAY IN YOUR LANE:
I CAN'T STAY IN MY LANE BECAUSE
I'M ON A TON OF KLONOPIN RIGHT
NOW.
COLIN: ARE MY EYES CROSSED?
NO.
I GOT NO TEETH:
> THE MANAGER IN AN I HOP IN
MAINE APOLOGIZED AFTER A MANAGER
ASKED A GROUP OF BLACK TEENAGERS
TO PAY UP FRONT FOR THEIR MEAL:
MOST PEOPLE THAT EAT AT I HOP
PAY FOR IT ABOUT TWO HOURS
LATER:
> A FEDERAL TRADE COMMISSION
HAS ORDERED THE MAKERS OF THE
SNUGGIE TO PAY MORE THAN
$7 MILLION IN REFUNDS OVER
DECEPTIVE BUY ONE GET ONE FREE
ADS.
'S A RARE PIECE OF GOOD NEWS
FOR PEOPLE OWN MULTIPLE
SNUGGIES:
> THE WINNER OF AMERICA'S BEST
LICENSE PLATE IS NEW MEXICO'S
CHILLY CAPITAL OF THE WORLD
PLATE:
WHILE THE WORST IS NEW JERSEY'S
DA FU YOU LOOKING AT:
> TODAY IS ST: PATRICK'S DAY,
THAT WAS A GREAT TRANSITION:
WHICH MEANS MILLIONS OF TOURISTS
HAVE COME TO THE BIG APPLE FOR
THE PARADE AND MAY NEED SOME
TIPS ON WHAT TO CHECK OUT:
HERE WITH SOME IDEAS IS OUR
"WEEKEND UPDATE" CITY
CORRESPONDENT STEFON:
[ CHEERSND ALAUSE ]
HI.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING
US, STEFON:
CONNER, PERCY:
IT'S NE TOE HERE:
THANK YOU, STEFON:
SO THE PARADE IS OVER: I BET A
LOT OF PEOPLE ARE LOOKING FOR A
HANGOUT:
ARE THERE ANY RECOMMENDATIONS
FOR THEM?
YES.
IF YOU'RE DRUNK IN MIDTOWN EAST
DOING CHEAP COKE OFF YOUR
LAUNDRY CART: I HAVE JUST THE
PLACE FOR YOU:
NEW YORK'S HOTTEST CLUB IS
GADDUSH:
INSPIRED BY TRUE EVENTS:
THIS FORMER CVS WHICH BECAME A
CHASE BANK AND THEN BECAME A CVS
AGAIN: FINALLY ANSWERED THE
QUESTION ABOUT THE TROUBLING
FEEL:
LIKE WHEN LARRY KING WOULD PLAY
HIMSELF IN A MOVIE:
THIS PLACE HAS EVERYTHING:
DEATH SETS, KEY FOBS: KALE
CHIPS:
ROMAN J. ISRAEL ESQUIRE:
PLUS YOU CAN PLAY EVERYONE'S
FAVORITE PARTY GAME: THE
STRANGER:
WHAT'S THE STRANGER?
DO YOU KNOW THAT BILLY JOEL
SONG "THE STRANGER?"
YEAH:
WELL: IT'S WHEN YOU SIT ON
BILLY JOEL'S HAND UNTIL IT'S
NU AND THEN YOU RUB YOURSELF
WITH IT:
WAIT:
WAIT: WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE
NUMB?
SO YOU CAN PRETEND THAT IT'S
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN'S HAND:
OKAY:
ALL RIGHT, STEFON: LET'S GET
BACK ON TRACK:
I THINK A LOT PEOE IN TOWN
FOR ST: PATRICK'S DAY MIGHT BE
LOOKING FOR SOMETHING MORE
DIFFERENT:
YEAH: SOMETHING MORE IRISH
THEMED:
YES, YES, YES, YES, YES.
MOONLIGHT, LA LA LAND:
[ LAUGHTER ]
IF YOU'RE IRISH OR JUST WHITE
AND VIOLENT: I HAVE THE SAINT
PATTY'S PLACE FOR YOU:
NEW YORK'S HOTTEST IRISH CLUB IS
OFF TO CHURCH, MOTHER:
LOCATED IN THE CLOGGED HEART OF
THE BRONX AT THE CORNER OF
3,000 STREET AND GARY MARSHALL
MEMORIAL DRIVE:
THIS GANG RIDDEN SKATEBOARD PARK
WAS THE CEREMONY SPOT FOR VERN
TROYER'S 2004 WEDDING:
THIS PLACE HAS EVERYTHING:
PEEPS, TED TALKS, ROMAN J:
ISRAEL ESQUIRE:
AND BE SURE HIT TO FLOOR AND
DANCE A JIG WITH IRELAND'S
HOTTEST FARRAKHANS:
WAIT: LOUIS FARRAKHAN IS AT
THIS CLUB?
NO, FARRAH KHANS:
HELP RAH KAHNS THAT LOOK LIKE
FARAH FAWCETT:
BUT ALSO YES: LOUIS FARRAKHAN
WILL BE THERE:
OKAY:
STEFON, STEFON:
PLEASE, PLEASE: CALL ME BY
YOUR NAME:
OKAY, COLIN:
TELL US THAT ONE PLACEHAT
ORDINARY TOURISTS MIGHT ENJOY:
PLEASE:
YES, YES, YES, YES, YES.
IF YOU'RE ORDINARY: AND YOU LOVE
SEIZURE INDUCING MALAYSIAN
MUSIC: I HAVE JUST THE PLACE FOR
YOU.
NEW YORK'S HOTTEST CLUB IS STAND
CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS:
PLEASE:
BUILT IN THE UPSIDE DOWN WORLD:
THIS HAUNTED HOSPICE WAS CLOSED
WHEN INSPECTORS FOUND A SEXY
FORM OF ASBESTOS THAT COULD
CAUSE DISEASE:
NOW WHAT DISEASE DO YOU GET
FROM SEXY ASBESTOS:
ME SO HORNYOMA:
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS PLACE HAS EVERYTHING:
YOUNG POPES, OLD POPES:
ROMAN J. ISRAEL ESQUIRE:
AVOID THE DANCE FLOOR ON
WEDNESDAYS: WHEN A DOZEN HOT
DACHSHUNDS AND CORGI'S GET IN
FREE:
THEY CALL IT LONG AND LOW NIGHT:
I DON'T TRUST ANY DOG WHOSE
STOMACH TOUCHES THE GROUND:
PLUS: YOU CAN PARTY IN THE VIP
ROOM: WITH A GROUP OF HUMAN
SQUATTY POTTIES:
WHAT IS A HUMAN SQUATTY
POTTY?
IT'S THAT THING THAT -- YOU
KNOW WHAT, IT'S A NEW ERA: AND I
DON'T WANT TO SAY A WORD THAT
MAY BE INSENSITIVE:
MAY I CONSULT MY LAWYER QUICKLY?
SURE:
GREAT HE'S AN ATTORNEY AND A
CONCEPT TULLE ARTIST NAMEDHY:
SHY?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HI.
HI, SHY.
HELLO: GELEMA HOW ARE
YOU?
SHY, FOR PEOPLE -- DO PEOPLE
STILL USE THIS WORD?
THANK YOU: SHY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HUMAN SQUATTY POTTIES: IT'S
THAT THING OF WHEN YOU SIT ON
TH TOILET AND TO HAVE GOOD
POSTURE: TWO LITTLE PEOPLE
CROUCH ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR AND
YOU PUT YOUR FEET ON THEIR
HEADS:
OKAY, ALL RIGHT:
I'M REALLY GLAD YOU MADE SURE
TO MAKE THAT SOUND MORE
SENSITIVE:
ON THAT NOTE: TAKE A
CLOSER LOOK AT POLITICAL
CORRECTNESS:
WAIT?
ISN'T "A CLOSER LOOK" SETH'S
THING THAT HE DOES?
OH, SETH AND I ARE VERSATILE:
SOME NIGHTS I DO IT AND HE'S
UNDER THE DESK:
STEFON EVERYONE:
JILL STEIN: 2020.
FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE:" I'M
MICHAEL CHE:
I'M COLIN JOST, GOOD NIGHT:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
GOOD EVENING: MR. AND MRS. BUCHANAN: ARE YOU ENJOYING YOUR STAY AT
SPIRIT QUEST LODGE?
OH YEAH, WE LOVE SEDONA:
SO HAVE YOU HAD A CHANCE TO
TRY OUR SOUND BATH WITH
TEAL MORNINGS YET?
NO NOT YET, ACTUALLY: WE WERE
THINKING ABOUT HIKING UP TO
SACRED ROCK:
[ OMINOUS MUSIC ]
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
NO.
HEY, INSTEAD OF THAT HIKE:
THERE'S ALSO BUDDHA GROOVES: A
DANCE MEDITATION FACILITATED BY
BEGINNINGS CHANG:
THANKS: BUT WE KIND OF WANTED
TO CHECK OUT THE VIEWS FROM ATOP
SACRED ROCK:
[ OMINOUS MUSIC ]
LISTEN TO ME:
UNUSUAL OBJECTS HAVE BEEN SEEN
IN THE SKIES NEAR SACRED ROCK:
LIKE UFO'S.
MAYBE I SHOULD LET ROGER OUR
REIKI HEALER EXPLAIN WHAT
HAPPENED TO HIM UP THERE:
ROGER, GET OUT HERE:
TELL THESE PEOPLE WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOU.
WHEN?
YOU KNOW THE THING THAT
SCARED YOU SO BAD:
OH YES, LAST WEEK I WALKED IN
ON AN OLD LA USI THE
RESTROOM:
I ACCIDENTALLY SAW HER WURKY
CURKY:
LOCK THE DOOR PEOPLE:
OKAY, TAKE IT EASY:
WAIT, NOT THAT, ROGER:
TELL THEM WHAT HAPPENED AT
SACRED ROCK:
OH, YES, SACRED ROCK:
[ OMINOUS MUSIC ]
I USED TO GO THERE IN E
EVENINGS TO CONNECT WITH MY
SPIRIT AND MY BODY:
UNTIL THE NIGHT SHE REVEALED
HERSELF:
WHO?
AN ALIEN LADY WITH A HEAD
SHAPED LIKE MR. PEANUT:
SHE INITIATED INTERCOURSE:
SHE DID:
I WAS TOLD THE WANTED MY DNA
FOR THEIR LITTLE BABIES:
THAT'S WHEN SHE FLIPPED ME OVER:
SPREAD MY CAKES AND BLASTED MY
RAISIN ET WITH A TURKEY BASTER:
OKAY, TAKE IT EASY:
WAIT: YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE
AFTER THAT:
THE NEXT THING I KNEW: I WAS
IN M BEDROOM WITH MY SLACKS ON
BACKWARDS:
NEXT TO ME WAS A NOTE THAT SAID:
RICHARD, OKAY: TAKE IT EASY TINY
DANCERS:
SO THEY WANTED TO MAKE A BABY
WITH YOU: BUT THEY PROBED YOU
ANALLY?
I GUESS THEY HAD TO FIGURE
OUT THE LAY OF THE LAND:
I'M SORRY: BUT SACRED ROCK IS
ON THE TOP FIVE LIST OF THINGS
TO SEE IN SEDONA:
SO I THINK WE HAVE TO GO:
[ OMINOUS MUSIC ]
FINE:
HERE'S A HIKING MESS: BUT
DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU:
FOOLS:
MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T.
WHAT: GO TO SACRED ROCK?
WHY WOULD HE MAKE UP
SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
WELL: IF THERE ARE ALIENS UP
THERE I'M SURE YOU DON'T NEED TO
WORRY:
WHAT THE HECK DO YOU MEAN BY
THAT?
I JUST FEEL LIKE: MAYBE THE
ALIENS WOULD BE MORE INTERESTED
IN ME?
I SEE.
OKAY, I GOT IT:
WHAT DID I SAY:
NO, NO, I GET IT: I'MOO
UGLY TO BE PROBED BY ALIENS:
NO, NO, JUST BASED ON THE
GUY'S STORY: IT SOUNDS LIKE THE
ALIENS LIKE DUDES:
I WISH YOU WOULD HAVE SAID IT
LIKE THAT:
OKA WELL I'M SORRY:
OF COURSE THE ALIENS WOULD BE
INTERESTED IN YOU:
THANK YOU:
BECAUSE YOU'RE DESIRABLE AS
HELL:
AWW, HOW ABOUT WE GO BACK TO
OUR ROOM:
♪
TAKE IT EASY:
[ APPLAUSE ]
> TONIGHT ON THE CBC NEWS HOUR: THE #METOO MOVEMENT THAT STARTED IN HOLLYWOOD HAS NOW
REACHED CANADIAN SHORES NEW
ACCUSATIONS OF SEXUAL MISCONDUCT
ARE MADE AGAINST TORONTO
PRODUCER, THOMAS LOGAN:
ONCE CONSIDERED THE BIGGEST
MOVIE MOGUL IN THE NORTH: HE IS
NOW BEING CALLED THE CANADIAN
HARVEY WEINSTEIN:
YEAH: I'VE HEARD ALL THESE
ACCUSATIONS AGAINST ME: AND HERE
TO SAY, IT'S ALL TRUE:
I DEFINITELY ABUSE MY POWER:
YOU WANT TO TELL THE FOLKS AT
HOME WHAT YOU DID: EXACTLY?
YEAH: I HAD THIS NEW
ASSISTANT: AND I WAS REALLY
INAPPROPRIATE, YOU KNOW: SAYING
STUFF LIKE, YOU LOOK NICE TODAY:
OR WND OF SUNGLASSES ARE
THOSE:
REALLY PESTERING HER YOU KNOW:
SO SHE GOT TICKED AND I JUST
WENT AHEAD AND RESIGNED:
LOGAN NOW EXPED AS A
MONSTER: HAS TAKEN HIS NAME OFF
SOME OF HIS GREATEST HITS:
MOVIES LIKE "YOU DON'T SAY," "IT
HAPPENED AT TIMHORTON'S."
WATCH AS THE DISGRACED MOGUL IS
CONFRONTED BY HIS VICTIMS
YEAH: SO I'M MINDING MY OWN
WHEN THOMAS WALKS IN AND SAYS:
THAT'S A NICE SWEATER YOU GOT
THERE, AND I'M THINKING: THAT'S
A BIT FORWARD:
AS SOON AS I REALIZED I SAID
I WAS SORRY:
OH, YEAH: HE SAID HE WAS
SORRY:
SO, I GO TO HR, AND I SAY:
SORRY, I GOT TO SAY THIS: BUT I
REALLY PUT MY BOOT IN IT THIS
TIME, AND THE HR LADY SAYS: NO
I'M SORRY: I SHOULD HAVE SEEN
THIS COMING:
SO I RESIGNED: AND THEN SHE
RESIGNED:
AND YOU KNOW I RESIGNED TOO:
BECAUSE I WAS JUST SO SORRY
ABOUT HOW IT ALL TURNED OUT: AND
I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE: SO HOW
HAVE YOU BEEN?
I'VE BEEN DOING ALL RIGHT
HOW ABOUT YOU:
OH YEAH, YEAH:
I'M DOING ALL RIGHT:
YOU KNOW: LITTLE STEVEN'S HOCKEY
TEAM WON PROVINCES YOU KNOW:
OH, DID HE NOW:
WATCH AS HIS CLOSE
COLLABORATORS PROCESS THE FACT
THAT THEY'D BEEN WORKING WITH A
MONSTER: AS CANADIAN SUPER GROUP
ARCADE FIRE SHARES THEIR SORDID
STORY:
YEAH: I REALLY DON'T KNOW THE
FELLA: BUT I GUESS WE DID A
SOUNDTRACK FOR HIM ONCE:
AND ARE YOU SORRY YOU DID
THAT ONE:
OH, YEAH, VERY SORRY:
AND THE REST OF YOU?
REGINE?
I'M SORRY:
RICHARD REED PARRY?
OH YEAH, I'M SORRY:
WILLIAM BUTLER?
I'M NOT CANADIAN: BUT STILL
SORRY:
TIM KINGSBURY: TIMMY?
I'M SORRY:
JEREMY?
DRUMS:
NO WE'RE SAYING SORRY:
SORRY, YEAH I'M SORRY:
WELL, I'M SO SORRY: WE HAVE
TO WRATHISP:
NO, NO.
[ TALKING OVER EACH OTHER ]
ALL THAT: PLUS MOOSES ON THE
NINE, TONIGHT ON CBC:
EVER GONNAO EVEN WHEN IT'S EASY PUT YOUR MONEY ON ME ♪
♪ GO TUCK ME INTO BED
AND WAKE ME WHEN I'M DEAD
I KNOW THAT YOU
GOTTA BE FREE ♪
♪ BUT I'M NEVER
GONNA LET IT GO ♪
♪ IF THERE WAA RA
A RACE FOR YOUR HEART
IT STARTED BEFORE
YOU WERE BORN ♪
♪ ABOVE THE CHLOROFORM SKY
CLOUDS MADE OF AMBIENT
SITTING ON CARPETS IN THE
BASEMENT OF HEAVEN ♪
♪ WE WERE BORN INNOCENT
BUT IT LIES TODAY
AND BABY YOU CAN GIVE
ALL THE MONEY AWAY ♪
♪ BUT IF THERE'S A RACE
A RACE FOR YOUR HEART
IT'S OVER BEFORE IT STARTS
SINGING ♪
♪ PUT YOUR MONEY ON ME
IF YOU THINK I'M LOSING YOU
YOU MUST BE CRAZY
ALL YOUR MONEY ON ME ♪
♪ I'M NEVER GONNA LET YOU GO
EVEN WHEN IT'S EASY
PUT YOUR MONEY ON ME ♪
♪ GO TUCK ME INTO BED
AND WAKE ME WHEN I'M DEAD
I KNOW THAT YOU
GOTTA BE FREE ♪
♪ BUT I'M NEVER
GONNA LET IT GO
SINGING ♪
♪ SINGING PUT YOUR MONEY ON
ALL YOUR MONEY ON ME
I KNOW IT'S NOT
THE LAST TIME ♪
♪ PUT YOUR MONEY ON
ALL YOUR MONEY ON ME
I KNOW ITS NOT EASY ♪
♪Y PRESENTS ARE BROKEN
BEFORE THEY'RE OPEN
AND THE PROMISES
THE SECOND THEY'RE SPOKEN ♪
♪ I KNOW I'VE BEEN DIFFERENT
MY SKIN KEEPS SHEDDING
MY MOTHER WAS CRYING ON
THE DAY OF OUR WEDDING ♪
♪ TRUMPETS OF ANGELS
CALL FOR MY HELP
I FIGHT THROUGH THE ETHER
AND I QUIT WHEN I'M DEAD ♪
♪ IF YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHO WILL BE THERE INHE E
WHEN YOU BURY ME BABY
I'LL STILL BE YOUR FRIEND ♪
♪ SINGING
PUT YOUR MONEY ON ME
IF YOU THINK I'M LOSING YOU
YOU MUST BE CRAZY ♪
ALL YOUR MONEY ON ME
I'M NEVER GONNA LET YOU GO
EVEN WHEN IT'S EASY ♪
♪ PUT YOUR MONEY ON ME
GO TUCK ME INTO BED
THEN WAKE ME WHEN I'M DEAD ♪
♪ I KNOW THAT YOU
GOTTA BE FREE
BUT I'M NEVER GONNA
LET IT GO ♪
♪ SINGING PUT YOUR MONEY ON
ALL YOUR MONEY ON ME
I KNOW IT'S NOT
THE LAST TIME ♪
♪ PUT YOUR MONEY ON
ALL YOUR MONEY ON ME
I KNOW IT'S NOT EASY ♪
♪ PUT YOUR MONEY ON
YOUR MONEY ON ME
I KNOW IT'S NOT
THE LAST TIME ♪
♪ PUT YOUR MONEY ON ME
ALL YOUR MONEY ON ME
I KNOW IT'S NOT EASY ♪
♪
♪ PUT YOUR MONEY ON ME
ALL YOUR MONEY ON ME ♪
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
HEY JOHNSON, DON'T FORGET: WE NEED THOSE REPORTS BY THE END OF THE DAY:
YOU GOT IT:
OH.
OH, NO.
NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM:
BUT YOU HAVE A I OF RK TO
DO, AND IT'S ALL THE WAY DOWN
THE HALL:
YEP.
WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE BEFORE:
WHY DON'T YOU CHECK YOUR LAMP?
HUH?
CHECK YOUR LAMP:
WHOAH:
GO AHEAD, DO YOUR BUSINESS:
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
USE IT AS A TOILET:
OH, NOW I GET IT:
INTRODUCING THE UNDERCOVER
OFFICE POTTY: THE ONLY TOILET
THAT LOOKS LIKE A LAMP: SO YOU
CAN GO WHENEVER YOU WANT: AND NO
ONE HAS TO KNOW:
JUST OPEN IT UP AND GO TO TOWN:
IT'LL BE OUR LITTLE SECRET:
THANKS UNDER COVER OFFICE
POTTY, I DID GOOD:
HEY JOHNSON: DID YOU GET
AROUND TO THOSE REPORTS?
YEAH: FINISHED THEM A WHILE
AGO.
I HAD PLENTY OF TIME:
WAIT: WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MANY
LAMPS ON YOUR DESK?
I GUESS I LIKE A LOT OF
LIGH
OH, GOD, IT STINKS IN HERE:
WELL: IT WASN'T ME, I USED
THE BATHROOM ALL THE WAY DOWN
THE HALL:
JESUS: I THINK IT'S THESE
LAMPS:
[ BLEEP ]MAN, IT'S DEFINITELY
THESE LAMPS:
OH MY GOD.
SMELLS LIKE REGULAR LAMPS TO
ME.
HEY ADAM, GET IN HERE:
HOLY [ BLEEP ].
ALL RIGHT: EVERYBODY CALM
DOWN:
NO, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG
WITH THESE LAMPS
YEAH RIGHT:
I PROBABLY HAVE TO GET BACK TO
WORK:
DUDE: DID YOU TAKE A [ BLEEP
] IN YOUR LAMP?
WHAT?
IN THESE LAMPS?
I DON'T THINK SO:
WE GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT
THIS, I'M TELLING MR: ANDERSON
P.M.
NO, PLEASE:
JOHNSON, THIS IS NEVER EASY:
BUT YOUR CO-WORKERS ARE
COMPLAINING ABOUT YOUR LAM:
BUT I GO TO THE BATHROOM ALL
THE WAY DOWN THE HALL:
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THESE
LAMPS:
OH, MY GOD.
YOU LIED JOHNSON:
YOU WENT TO THE BATHROOM IN THE
LAMPS:
GET HIM OUT OF HERE:
YES, SIR, SORRY SIR:
LET ME GUESS: NOSEY
COORKERS CAUGHT ON TO THE
LAMPS BECAUSE YOU HAD TOO MANY
ON YOUR DESK?
YEP.
WE'VE YOU COVERED WITH EVERY
DAY OFFICE ITEMS THAT YOU CAN
USE AS A TOILET:
INTRODUCING THE UNDERCOVER
OFFICE POTTY DISGUISE SUPPLIES:
USE THE STAPLER: THE TAPE
DISPENSER: AND THE AUTOMAT
PENCIL SHARPENER:
HEY, GUYS, LOOK: I GOT RID OF
THE LAMPS:
WHY IS YOUR TAPE DISPENSER SO
MASSIVE?
I GUESS I LIKE A LOT OF TAPE:
GUYS: HE'S GOING TO THE
BATHROOM IN THESE OVERSIZED
FAKE OFFICE SUPPLIES:
I GO TO THE BATHROOM DOWN THE
HALL:
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?
THE VOICEOVER SAID IT WOULD
SAVE TIME FOR BUSINESS:
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN WORKING
ON?
I DON'T KNOW: I'VE BEEN TOO
BUSY GOING TO THE BATHROOM:
THERE'S SO MUCH [ BLEEP ] IN
HERE:
AM I FIRED?
YES, AND TAKE THAT [ BLEEP ]
WITH YOU:
OF COURSE:
YEAH, OF COURSE:
UNDERCOVER OFFICE POTTY: BE
BOLD, BE TRUE:
MAKE THE BATHROOM COME TO YOU:
> THANKS TO ARCA FIRE: FRED ARMISEN, JOHN GOODMAN: JOHN MULANEY!
I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH:
THANKS:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
.