[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] > GOOD EVENING: I'M ANDERSON COOPER, AND THIS IS CNN:
YOUR NUMBER ONE SOURCE FOR
IMPEACHMENT PORN:
THIS HAS BEEN A WEEK OF SHOCKING
REVELATIONS OUT OF THE WHITE
HOUSE: NOT THE LEAST OF WHICH IS
THE ONGOING DEBATE OR G
CONTROL:
AT TIMES LIKE THIS: WE LOOK TO
OUR LEADERS FOR GUIDANCE:
INSTEAD: WE'LL HEAR FROM DONALD
TRUMP:
WHO HAS CALLED A SECOND
BIPARTISAN SYMPOSIUM: WHERE HE
WILL READ A PREPARED STATEMENT:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
TONIGHT I AM HERE TO BRING
YOU A MESSAGE OF HEALING AND A
SHOW OF UNITY: ALONG WH MIKE
PENCE AND SENATOR DIANNE
FEINSTEIN:
LAST WEEK I MET WITH A GROUP OF
TEENAGES SURVIVORS OF GUN
VIOLENCE: I WANT TO ASSURE THEM
ONCE AGAINHAT I HEAR YOU: AND
I CARE:
RENT LEGO NINJAGO STORY:
SORRY: ERIC SCRIBBLED SOME NOTES
ON THERE:
WE HAVE TO TAKE A HARD LOOKT
MENTAL HEALTH:
WHICH I HAVE SO MUCH OF:
I HAVE ONE OF THE HEALTHIEST
MENTALS:
MY MENTALS ARE SO HIGH: WE HAVE
TO RESPECT THE LAW:
BELIEVE ME: NO ONE LOVES THE
SECOND AMENDMENT AND DUE PROCESS
MORE THAN ME:
MAYBE WE JUST TE EVERYONE'S
GUNS AWAY:
NOBODY IS ALLOWED TO HAVE A GUN:
NOT EVEN WHITES:
DID WE LIKE THAT: DIANNE LOVES
THAT: SHEASN' BEEN THIS
EXCITED SINCE WOMEN WERE ALLOWED
TO GET JOBS:
LOOK AT MIKE, HE HATES IT:
I MET WITH THE NRA: THEY GAVEE
30 MILLION GOOD REASONS NOT TO
CHANGE A THING:
SO CHA CHING, IT'S ALL GOOD:
WE'RE STILL FRIENDS: RIGHT?
YEAH:
LOOK AT HIM: HE'S SO
UNCOMFORTABLE HE HATES THIS:
HE'S WORRIED THIS IS A GATEWAY
TOUCH:
BUT THE YOUTH OF AMERICA DESERVE
TO FEEL SAFE AND SECURE IN THEIR
SCHOOLS, BECAUSE FOLKS: I CAN
ONLY RUN INTO SO MANY SCHOOLS
AND SAVE EVERYBODY:
IF I COULD: I'D RUN INTO ALL OF
THEM, EVEN WITHOUT A WEAPON: I'D
BURST THROUGH THE DOORS AND I'D
BE RUNNING SO FAST:
I'M A VERY FAST RUNNER:
I'D BE RETURNING SO FAST: THE
GUY WITH THE GUN WOULDN'T EVEN
KNOW WHAT HIT HIM:
BING BING: DING DONGDANG HE'S
PUNISHED:
I'D KEEP RUNNING: I'D RUN TO
NORTH KOREA, COMPETING UNARMED:
FIND LITTLE ROCK E MAN:
PINGPING PANG: THROW HIM RIGHT
OVER THE GREAT WALL OF KOREA:
IF I HAVE TO MAKE AMERICA'S
SCHOOLS SAFE ALL BY MYSELF: I
WILL:
JUST LIKE HOW I'M RUNNING THE
WHITE HOUSE ALL BY MYSELF:
BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE WHOORK
FOR ME KEEP RESIGNING:
HOPE HICKS: SHE'S LIKE A
DAUGHTER TO ME, SO SMART: SO
HOT.
SHE RESIGNED:
YOU KNOW, IATE SEEING HER GO:
BUT I LOVE WATCHING HER WALK
AWAY:
BOOM, BOOM:
[ LAUGHTER ]
I MEAN: JARED KUSHNER'S
BACALL THE HOTTEST CHICK LEFT
IN THE PLACE:
AND HE'S PROBABLY GOING TO JAIL
SOON: SO HE'S OUT.
THAT SHOULD BE OKAY:
EVERYONE ELSE IS STAYING: RIGHT?
McMASTER: ARE YOU STAYING?
AM I RIGHT?
ALWAYS STAND BY MY SIDE --
ANYWAY: IF WE'RE GOING TO STOP
THIS GUN VIOLENCE WE NEED TO
WORK TOGETHER, WHITES, BLACKS:
EVEN SOME OF THE GOOD
IMMIGRANTS: DO WE CALL THEM
INTS: I'M GOING TO CALL THEM
GRINTS:
WE NEED TO HEAL THIS GREAT
COUNTRY OF OURS: IT REALLY IS
ONE OF THE BEST TOP FIVE:
WE COULD DO BETTER:
I MEAN, THEY'RE ALL BEATING US:
CHINA, JAPAN, WAKANDA:
OKAY?
WAKANDA IS LAUGHING AT US:
RIGHT:
THEY HAVE FLYING CARS: PEOPLE IN
WAKANDA:
I ANNOUNCED THE STEEL AND
ALUMINUM TARIFFS THIS WEEK:
PEOPLE ARE GOING NUTS ABOUT IT:
I BROUGHT BACK THE STEEL
INDUSTRY BY DESTROYING THE AUTO
INDUSTRY AND TANKING THE STOCK
MARKET:
IMPRESSIVE:
LOOK AT THAT: BOTH SIDES HATED
IT, I DON'T CARE:
I SAID I WAS GOING TO RUN THIS
COUNTRY LIKE A BUSINESS:
THAT BUSINESS IS A WAFFLE HOUSE
AT 2:00.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
CRAZIES EVERYWHERE: STAFF
WALKING OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF
THEIR SHIFT:
MANAGERS TAKING MONEY OUT OF THE
CASH REGISTER TO PAY OFF THE
RUSSIAN MOB:
BUT MAYBE WE DO JUST TAKE ALL
THE GUNS AWAY:
OOH.
SHE LOVES IT: SHE'S LOOKING
AT ME LIKE A CARTOON PORK CHOP:
OKAY?
SHE'S GREAT:
ALL THE PEOPLE HERE ARE GREAT:
EXCEPT JEFF SESSIONS: HE NEEDS
TO GO.
I CALL HIM MR. MAGOO: EVERYONE
LOVES IT:
PEOPLE AROUND HERE IN THE WHITE
HOUSE SAY STOP: I'M LAUGHING SO
HARD, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE:
I RESIGN:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THAT'S VERY FUNNY: MR.
PRESIDENT:
BUT I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE:
I'M LIKE SKUNK STINK ON A BIRD
DOG, SIR, I LINGER:
AND I JUST HAD DINNER WITH ALL
YOUR FRIENDS AT THE DEPARTMENT
OF JUSTICE:
AND WOW!
YOUR NAME POPPED UP MORE THAN A
WEASEL IN A PUMPKIN PATCH:
THAT'S RIGHT, MR. PRESIDENT:
YOU CAN'T BULLY ME ANY MORE:
FOR THE FIRST TIME I'M STANDING
UP ON MY OWN HIND LEGS:
OKAY?
HOW ABOUT WE SAY IT TOGETHER FOR
OLD TIME SAKE: HUH?
LIVE FROM NEW YORK: IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"! WITH --
BECK BENNETT:
AIDY BRYANT:
MICHAEL CHE:
PETE DAVIDSON:
LESLIE JONES:
COLIN JOST:
KATE McKINNON:
KYLE MOONEY:
CECILY STRONG:
KENAN THOMPSON:
FEATURING --
MIKEY DAY:
HEIDI GARDNER:
ALEX MOFFAT:
LUKE NULL:
CHRIS REDD:
MELISSA VILLASENOR:
MUSICAL GUEST --
MIGOS:
AND YOUR HOST --
CHARLES BARKLEY:
♪
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --
CHARLES BARKLEY:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
THANK YOU:
THANK YOU VERY MUCH:
I'M AN ATHLETE: AND ATHLETES
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING OUT A LOT
THIS YEAR:
THEY'VE BEEN NEILING DURING THE
THEM REFUSING TO GO TO THE
WHITE HOUSE:
BUT A LOT OF PROFESSIONAL
ATHLETES ARE WORRIED ABOUT
SPEAKING OUT: MIGHT HURT THEIR
CAREER:
HERE'S SOMETHING THAT
CONTRADICTS ALL OF THAT: ME.
I'VE BEEN SAYING WHATEVER THE
HELL I WANT FOR 30 YEARS: AND
I'M DOING GREAT:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I'M HOSTING SNL FOR THE FOURTH
TIME, FOR NO REASON:
OTHER THAN LORNE MICHAEL JUST
WANTED SOMEBODY TO TALK TO ABOUT
"BLACK PANTHER:"
BUT THIS COUNTRY HAS A GREAT
TRADITION OF ATHLETES SPEAKING
THEIR MINDS:
MUHAAD ALI CHANGED THE WAY
PEOPLE THOUGHT ABOUT VIETNAM:
JIM BROWN HAD PEOPLE THINKING
ABOUT RACE:
MICHAEL JORDAN EVEN THOUGHT IT
WAS OKAY FOR HUMANS TO PLA WITH
LOONEY TUNES:
STILL: SOME FOLKS SAY WE'RE ALL
MILLIONAIRES:
BUT ATHLETES WORK HARD:
I'M SUCCESSFUL BECAUSE I HAVE A
GREAT WORK ETHIC:
I'M RESPONSIBLE: AND WHEN I WAS
BORN: I WAS ALREADY THREE FEET
TALL AND WEIGHED 26 POUNDS:
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT SOME PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO
HEAR FROM US:
BUT THIS LADY ON FOX NEWS TOLD
LeBRON JAMES TO SHUT UP AND
DRIBBLE:
AND DRIBBLING IS ONLY THE FOURTH
THING LeBRON'S GOOD AT:
SHOOTING: PASSING AND MAGICALLY
MAKING HIS HAIRLINE COME BACK:
BUT, YOU KNOW: THE MEDIA DOES
THIS AMOUNT TIME:
I WENT TO PRESIDENT OBAMA'S 50th
BIRTHDAY PARTY:
THEY HAVE VIDEO OF ME AND JAY Z:
STEVE HARVEY AND GRANT HILL:
AND FOX NEWS CALLED IT THE
HIP-HOP BBQ:
FIRST OF ALL: WE WERE THE ONLY
FOURLACKEOPLE THERE:
AND THREE OF US AIN'T EVEN IN
HIP-HOP:
SO CALLING IT A HIP-HOP BBQ IS
LIKE CALLING ANY GOLF TOURNAMENT
TIGER PLAYS IN DEAF GOLF JAM:
I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THESE
PEOPLE COMPLAINING ABOUT
ATHLETES:
WE CAN DO A LOT MORE THAN
DRIBBLE:
I AM A BROADCASTER: I WROTE A
BOOK:
I EVEN GOT MY OWN WINE:
THAT'S TRUTH:
IT'S CALLED CB VINEYARDS:
IT'S THE ONLY CHARDONNAY THAT
PAIRS WELL WITH A SAUSAGE
BISCUIT:
BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY:
ATHLETES -- WE'RE THE ONLY ONES
SPEAKING OUT IN THEIR
COMMUNITIES:
HEY, WHOA!
WHOA!
CHARLES:
WHAT ABOUT COMEDIANS?
WE SPEAK OUT ALL THE TIME:
LOOK AT YOU, MICHAEL:
NOBODY TAKES YOU SERIOUSLY:
WELL: TELL THAT TO THE PEOPLE
WHO CALL ME RACIST: JUST FOR
TELLING JOKES:
I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT:
WELL, THEY MAKE A GOOD POINT:
PEOPLE SHOULD BE ABLE TO
DISAGREE:
FOR EXAMPLE: I'M PROUD TO STAND
FOR THE ANTHEM:
UNLESS FERGIE'S SINGING: AND
THEN I FALL OVER LAUGHING:
BECAUSE IT'S HILARIOUS:
AND I STAY SEATED FOR THE
ANTHEM: BEUSE M STILL IN MY
UBER BECAUSE BLACK PEOPLE ARE
ALWAYS LATE:
THAT'S NOT TRUE:
I TOLD YOU I'M A RACIST:
I MAY AGREE WITH THAT: BUT
YOU CAN STILL HAVE A CAREER:
AND YOU ATHLETES OUT THERE: YOU
CAN TOO:
SO LeBRON, KEEP ON DRIBBLING:
BUT DON'T YOU EVER SHUT UP:
AND MAYBE ONE DAY YOU CAN HOST
SNL FOR THE FOURTH TIME: JUST
LIKE ME:
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL CHARLES:
SHUT UP:
SO BUCKLE UP: IT'S GOING TO BE A
REAL HIP-HOP BBQ IN HERE
TONIGHT:
WE GOT A GREAT SHOW:
MIGOS IS HERE, SO STICK AROUND:
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
> AND NOW: THE ACADEMY OF
SEXUAL HARASSMENT AND MISCONDUCT
IN HOLLYWOOD PRESENTS THE
GRABBIES: CELEBRATING THIS
YEAR'S WORST BEHAVIOR IN
ENTERTAINMENT:
WE TAKE YOU LIVE TO THE RED
CARPET WITH DANNY MARTIN AND
YOLONDA BEAST:
ALRIGHT:
IT'S FINALLY THAT TIME OF YEAR:
AND WHAT A YEAR IT'S BEEN:
I'M SURE EXCITED AND NERVOUS:
SO MANY FOLKS IN HOLLYWOOD
HAVE BEEN ACCUSED OF SO MUCH
THIS YEAR: BUT WHO WILL TAKE
HOME THE COVETED GRABBY?
I WAS ABOUT TO JOKINGLY GRAB
YOU WITH THE AWARD, YOLONDA: BUT
THEN I STOPPED MYSELF:
GOOD INSTINCT, DANNY: AND
LOOK WHO'S COMING OUR WAY:
GRABBY NOMINEE TOM STURGESSEN:
HEY GUYS:
HEY, IT'S REALLY UPSETTING TO BE
HERE TONIGHT:
SO TOM, YOU'RE NOMINATED FOR
HANDSIEST ACTOR:
THAT'S RIGHT:
I GAVE OUT A LOT OF UNWANTED
MASSAGES TO MY FEMALE CO-STA:
ALSO I SHOWED AN INTERN MY
PENIS, AND SAID: ANY IDEAS?
WOW, DON'T WANT TO JINX IT:
BUT THAT SOUND LIKE AWARD
WINNING BEHAVIOR TO ME:
THANKS, YOU'D THINK SO: BUT
IT'SUCH A TOUGH CATEGORY THIS
YEAR: THE COMPETITION IS SO
STIFF:
SORRY, POOR CHOICE OF WORDS:
I JUST MEAN EVERYONE IS ROCK
HARD TO BE HERE:
OKAY, MOVE ALONG NOW:
I GET THA
AND LOOK WHO IT IS
APPROACHING US ON THE RED
CARPET:
ONE OF THE NOMINEES FOR MOST
OPENOBESHENNY MARTIN:
HENNY: WHO ARE YOU WEARING
TONIGHT?
THIN SWEAT PANTS WITH NO
UNDERWEAR:
TERRIFIC:
NOW THIS IS SUCH A HUGE PUBLIC
MOMENT FOR YOU:
YOU MUST BE SO ASHAMED:
YOU'D THINK SO, BUT NOPE:
CAN YOU GIVE US A PREVIEW OF
YOUR SPEECH IF YOU WIN TONIGHT?
OKAY: WELL FIRST I'D LIKE TO
THANK GUNS FOR TAKING THE
SPOTLIGHT AWAY FROM HOLLYWOOD:
I'D ALSO LIKE TO THANK MY UNCLE
FOR ALWAYS SAYING: BOYS WILL BE
BOYS:
AND OF COURSE I'D LIKE TO THANK
DRUGS: AND PUKING FOR KEEPING ME
IN SHAPE:
IT'S HARD TO LOOK THIS GOOD WHEN
YORE 5
I LIKE THIS GUY:
DANNY: DON'T.
ALRIGHT:
I'M HERE WITH RONALD KELLOGG:
WHO IS RECEIVING THE LIFETIME
ACHIEVEMENT ARD NIGHT:
THE COVETED GOLDEN GROPE AWARD
FOR HIS TRULY STUNNING LEGACY OF
ABUSE:
WELL: WHEN I STARTED OUT IN
THIS BUSINESS: I WAS JUST A KID
WITH TWO HANDS: ONE FLOPPY
PENIS: AND NO SENSE OF
BOUNDARIES:
NOW LOOK AT ME:
IF YOU GUYS AT THE PENINSULA
HOTEL ARE STILL AWAY: GET TO
BED, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BIG
DAY TOMORROW:
THE STUFF WE ALWAYS SUSPECTED
ABOUT MY CO-HOST DANNY JUST
SHOWED UP ON BABE:NET.
HAPPY TO BE HERE: IS THIS A
TRAP?
LOOK WHO IT IS: HE'S
NOMINATED TONIGHT FOR BEST
NONAPOLOGY, TIM FRANKLIN:
HEY, HONEY: HOW IS IT GOING?
AND HIS HAND IS ALREADY ON
THE SMALL OF MY BACK:
THAT'S WHY I'M NOMINATED:
NOW, WHEN WOMEN FIRST STARTED
SPEAKING OUT IN HOLLYWOOD: YOU
MADE A PUBLIC STATEMENT:
I SAID ALL WOMEN NEED TO BE
HEARD:
WHEN A WOMAN ACCUSED YOU OF
MISCONDUCT: WHAT DID YOU DO?
I CALLED HER A LYING TROLL:
AND HAD MY WYERUBLISH HER
HOME ADDRESS:
I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE YOU
WEARING SOME PINS THERE: IS THAT
A TIMES UP PIN?
O, IS TIM'S UP PIN.
MY NAME IS TIM: AND I'M UP FOR
ANYTHING:
AND DOES THAT SAY I'M WITH
HER?
NO, IT SAYS I'M WITH HERPES:
MY DOCTOR GAVE IT TO ME THIS
MORNING:
WOW!
I HOPE YOU GET WHAT'S COMING TO
YOU.
WHAT KIND OF SWAG BACK ARE FOLKS
TAKING HOME TONIGHT?
A GIFT CERTIFICATE FOR
MASSAGE ENVY:
THEY HAVE OVER 1:000 LOCATIONS
AND 10,000 ACCUSATIONS:
HERE'S THE FIRST WOMAN EVER
NOMINATED FOR A GRABBY: CATH
LYNN LABORGE:
YOU.
MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING
TRULY EXTRAORDINARY:
YES, I BIT OFF AN INTERN'S
PENIS:
AMAZING:
I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME
WOMEN GOT INTO SOME TROUBLE TOO:
FROM HEREN OUT: I'LL BE
PEEPING PEPE'S AND SQUEEZING
SAUSAGES ALL OVER TINSELTOWN:
WHAT MOVIE DID YOU WORK ON
THIS YEAR?
SHAPE OF WATER:
IT WAS ACTUALLY MY JOB TO GET
THE FISH HORNY:
BACK TO YOU YOLONDA AND
KEVIN:
NO, KWEVEN'S GONE TOO:
THIS IS JACK?
I'D RHER NOT SAY:
WE'LL BE BACK WITH BEST
ANIMATED GROPE: AND WORST THING
DONE TO A PLAN THE:
OH, MAN, TWITTER JUST FOUND
OUMY NAME:
WHEN THE GRABBIES RETURN ON
ABC OPINION
> LET'S FACE: HAVE YOU A BIG
ROACH PROBLEM: Y'VE TRIED
EVERYTHING: AND SPRAYED HARMFUL
CHEMICALS: BUT NOTHING SEEMS TO
WORK UNTIL NOW:
HI, MY NAME IS NED: I'LL GET RID
OF YOUR NASTY ROACH PROBLEM FAST
AND EASY: WITH MY ALL NEW NED'S
ROACH AWAY:
AT NED'S WE KNOW THE ONLY THING
THAT CAN STOP A D ROACH A
GOOD ROACH WITH A GUN:
THAT'S WHY I SPENT YEARS
PERSONALLY TRAINING AN ARMY OF
MY OWN GOOD ROACHES TO CARRY AND
OPERATE TINY AR-15 RIFLES TO
PROTECT YOUR HOME:
FOR JUST $59.95, MY ROACHES WILL
PATROL YOUR CABINETS: THE STOVE
AND WHEREVER THOSE ROACHES LIKE
TO HIDES:
THE BANG MEANS IT'S WORKING:
SO FORGET ABOUT THOSE SPRAYS:
ROACHES JUST DRINK THAT STUFF UP
LIKE TEQUILA:
YOU MIGHT AS WELL PUT IT IN A
PIÑATA: AND THROW THOSE ROACHES
A PARTY: BUT WITH NED'S ROACH
AWAY, THE PARTY IS OVER:
NOW, SOME PEOPLE MIGHT SAY: BUT
NED, WOULDN'T GUN CARRYING
ROACHES 1YU69 ADD TO MY PROBLEM?
THAT'S SO DUMB IT MAKES ME MAD:
MY ASSISTANTS MAKE SURE ONLY THE
BEST HIGH CHARACTER: GOD FEARING
ROACHES CAN CARRY GUNS:
IT'S TIME TO GO TO CHURCH:
AND NONE OF MY ROACHES ARE GAY:
AND FOR REALLY BAD PROBLEMS: YOU
NEED NED'S ROACH AWAY MAX: WITH
BUMP STOCK:
PLUS MY ROACHES ARE TRAINED TO
TEACH THEIR BABI HOW TO SHOOT:
CREATING A CYCLE:
SO THERE'LL BE GUN CARE ROACHES
IN YOUR HOME FOR GOOD:
SO GET NED'S ROACH AWAY SYSTEM
TODAY:
YOU DON'T NEED PEST CONTROL: YOU
NEED PEST SOLUTIONS:
LADY, YOUR HOUSE IS NASTY:
SORRY:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
> CHANNEL 6: PUBLIC CABLE
TELEVISION AUTHORITY:
FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA:
♪
WELCOME TO HOMEWORK HOT LINE:
IF YOU'RE IN GRADES 1 THROUGH 6
AND NEED HELP WITH YR
HOMEWORK: CALL THE NUMBER ON
YOUR SCREEN NOW:
HEY, STUDENTS: I'M MR.
LEONARD: HERE WITH MY STUDY
BUDDY BO:
AND WE'RE HERE TO HELP YOU
WITH YOUR HOMEWORK:
CALL NOW:
IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY'S
ALREADY CALLING IN:
FIRST CALLER: WHAT DO YOU NEED
HELP WITH TODAY:
MY QUESTION IS: WHEN YOU AND
BOBO HAVE SEX: WHO'S ON TOPND
WHO'S ON BOTTOM:
GET A LIFE:
HOW RUDE:
YES, BOBO, HE'S VERY RUDE:
EVERY DAY WITH THIS TURKEY
NONSENSE ABOUT MEND BOBO:
KNOCK IT OFF:
PATTY: YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO
SCREEN CALLS:
HOW ARE THESE TURKEYS GETTING
THROUGH?
WELL, THEY LIE TO ME: AND THE
LORD WILL JUDGE THEM FOR IT:
WEL TRY A LITTLE HARDER
PLEASE:
NEXT CALLER: WHAT'S STUMPING YOU
TODAY?
HI, I'M WHITNEY: I'M DOING MY
GEOGRAPHY WORKSHEET: AND I CAN'T
FIND SOME PLACES:
GEOGRAPHY:
OH, WE'LL NEED GLOBFOR THAT:
THE GLOBE!
WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR:
WHITNEY:
THIS SHOULD BE EASY: BECAUSE
I THINK BOBO WAS JUST THERE LAST
NIGHT:
WHERE'S BALLS DEEP U:S.A.
BALLS DEEP USA:
LET ME SEE:
I KNOW THERE'S A BALLTOWN IN
IOWA:
BOBO: WERE YOU IN BALLS DEEP
LAST NIGHT?
I THINK THIS MIGHT BE ANOTHER
PRANK CALL:
OH, I GET IT NOW:
HANG UP ON THIS TURKEY:
SHAME ON YOU:
YOU GUYS THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
LOOK AT MY FACE: I'M NOT
LAUGHING:
I KNOW WHAT WILL CHEER YOU
UP, HUGS AND KISSES:
OKAY:
MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP WITH THE
HUGS AND KISSES:
THERE'S A BUNCH OF YOUTUBE
VIDEOS OF YOU HUGGING ME WITH
PORN MUSIC TIED IN:
BUT BOBO LOVES HUGS AND
KISSES:
I'M SERIOUS, DUDE:
DON'T DO THAT AGAIN:
PATTY: DO WE HAVE ANY REAL
CALLS ON THE PHONE LINES?
WELL: WE HAVE A STUDENT NAMED
HARRY PAIROFTESTES:
NO, NEXT:
WE HAVE RYAN DOING A HISTORY
REPORT ON THE MEXICAN OUTLAW:
DIRTY SANCHEZ:
ABSOLUTELY NOT:
MATTHEW IS CALLING ABOUT THE
ATOMIC WEIGHTS OF ELEMENTS:
THOSE CRANK CALLERS HAVE WAY
TOO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS:
I AGREE:
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
SO I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT THE
TOTAL ATOMIC WEIGHT IN AN
ELEMENT EQUATION:
WE CAN USE THPERIIC
TABLE:
THAT'S RIGHT, BOBO:
LET'S GO TO THE MATH CAM:
WHAT'S YOUR EQUATION: MATTHEW
BORON: OXYGEN --
B-O --
THEN ANOTHER BORON OXYGEN --
B-O --
AND SULFUR --
S.
THEN COBALT, AND CARBON:
C-O-C.
WAIT A SECOND:
IS THE NEXT ONE POTASSIUM?
YEP.
POTASSIUM IS K:
HANG UP ON THIS LIAR:
THE PHONE LINES ARE CLOSED:
LET'S DO ONE FROM E-MAIL:
TRAVIS: WHO'S IN SECOND GRADE
WRITES: DO YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU
RUB YOUR PANT LEG: YOU CAN
GENERATE STATIC ELECTRICITY THAT
MAKES YOUR HAIR STICK UP:
YES TRAVIS:
THAT'S BECAUSE FRICTION CHARGES
THE ELECTRONS:
LET'S TRY IT, BOBO: RUB MY PANT
LEG.
OKAY:
A LITTLE FASTER, BOBO:
IS IT WORKING?
YOU KNOW WHAT: THIS MIGHT BE
ANOTHER PRANK:
THAT'S THE END OF THE SHOW: WE
HAVE ZERO KID HELPED WITH THEIR
HOMEWORK:
PATTY: WHO'S OUR VIEWER OF THE
DAY.
WELL TODAY'S VIEWER OF THE
DAY IS FIFTH GRADER RON WEASELEY
WHO LIVES IN HERMIONE'S BUSH:
CALIFORNIA:
PATTY, USE YOUR HEAD, WOMAN:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
> NEXT WEEK, STERLING K: BROWN
WITH MUSICAL GUESTS JAMES BAY:
♪ WELCOME TO THE CHAMPION CONVERSATIONS WITH SOME OF THE
GAME:
I'M YOUR HOST TODD HAMILL:
TODAY WE'RE TALKING TO HUGE
NAMES FROM THREE DIFFERENT
SPORTS:
HE WAS NAMED ONE OF THE
50 GREATEST PLAYERS IN NBA
HISTORY:
SIR CHARLES BARKLEY:
HOW YOU DOING?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HE'S A 14 TIME ALL-STAR WHO
WON THE WORLD SERIES WITH THE
YANKEES IN 2009, ALEX RODRIGUEZ:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU:
AND DUBBED THE HARDEST
HITTING MAN IN THE NFL:
LEGENDARY PITTSBURGH STEELERS
LINEBACKER, D.C. TIMMONS:
YEAH, ALL RIGHT:
ALL RIGHT NOW:
YEAH: NICE TO BE HERE WITH THESE
GENTLEMEN:
I ADMIRE YOU BOTH PLAYING YOUR
LITTLE GAMES:
LITTLE GAMES?
COME ON: MAN.
AND NO DISRESPECT NOW: BUT I
KNOW YA'LL BE HAVING FUN OUT
THERE BOUNCING THE BASKETBALL OR
SKIPPING AROUND THE BASES IN
YOUR LITTLE TIGHTS:
BUT FOOTBALL IS WAR:
HELMET TO HELMET: YOU BREAK A
FINGER, SUCK IT UP, PUNK:
YOU GET KNOCKED DOWN SEVEN TIMES
IN ONE GAME: NEXT TIME YOU
BETTER MAKE IT EIGHT, SUCKER:
BUT HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY:
"IF YOU WANT TO RUN WITH THE BIG
DOGS, STAY OUT THE KITCHEN:"
'CAUSE YOUR KITCHEN IS FULL OF
DOGS, GREG:
WHAT?
WHO'S GREG?
EXACTLY:
YOU ALL RIGHT: MAN.
HEY, YOU ALL RIGHT TOO:
[ LAUGHTER ]
WELL: D.C. BRINGS UP AN
INTERESTING TOPIC: WHICH LEAGUE
DO YOU THINK IS THE TOUGHEST TO
PLAY IN?
WELL: BASEBALL HAS A GRUELING
SCHEDULE: IF YOU INCLUDE SPRING
TRAINING AND THE POSTSEASON:
YOU ACTUALLY PLAY 200 GAMES IN
232 DAYS:
YEAH: BUT YOU ALL SPEND HALF
YOUR TIME ON THE BENCH:
THE NBA'S MUCH TOUGHER: WE PLAY
82 GAMES: YOU'RE RUNNING 30
MINUTES OR MORE:
WAIT A MINUTE, CHARLES:
YOU WEREN'T ALWAYS RUNNING?
YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT
RUNNING?
MAN THE FOOTBALL FIELD IS
100 YARDS LONG:
THAT'S 100 FEET:
AND EVERY FOOT MATTERS: EVERY
DOWN MATRS: D EVERY KISS
BEGINS WITH Q:
I THINK THAT'S A K.
SURE, IT'S OKAY, GREG: YOU
GOT TO GET WOKE: IT'S 2007.
WOW.
LOOK: BASEBALL PLAYERS
HISTORICALLY GET INJURED OFTEN:
YEAH: BUT BASEBALL PLAYERS
THINK A BROKEN FINGER NAIL IS AN
INJURY:
AM I RIGHT?
SURE YOU RIGHT, GREG:
I MEAN: LOOK AT THIS PRETTY BOY
OVER HERE:
A THE ROD JOHNSON:
HIS FACE STILL LOOKING GOOD:
THAT DON'T HAPPEN COMING OUT THE
NFL.
SEE, HALF THESE TEETH IS FAKE --
HALF THESE TEETH IS FAKE:
THIS EYE: THIS EYE'S MADE OF
SUGAR:
AND THIS AROUND: MAN, THIS ARM
WAS MADE BY THE WIZAR
INDUSTRIAL LIGHT AND MAGIC:
BUT IT WAS ALL WORTH IT FOR
THESE FAUX CHAMPIONSHIP RINGS:
BABY:
COUNT THEM UP: UNO, DOS,
MIGOS --
DECOS, AND THAT MAKES FOUR:
YOU KNOW WHAT: I'M GOING TO
CHANGE MY MIND: FOOTBALL IS
DEFINITELY THE TOUGHEST SPORT:
I CHANGE MY MIND TOO: IT'S
FOOTBALL:
LOOK AT THIS POOR DUDE:
YEAH: HE'S CALLING EVERYBODY
GREG:
I'M GLAD THE NFL IS ADDRESSING
THESE CONCUSSION RULES:
COME ON, GREG: THESE NEW
RULES ARE RIDICULOUS:
FOOTBALL IS ABOUT --
D.C.?
YEAH: I'LL HAVE AUMBER
THREE WITH FRIES AND A DIET
COKE:
ALL RIGHT, LET'S KEEP GOING:
DESPITE THE RIGORS OF THE GAME:
EACH OF YOU HAD A LONG CAREER:
ALEX, YOU PLAYED FOR 22 YEARS:
AND CHARLES YOU PLAYED FOR 16
SEASONS:
I DID, BUT THE LAST FOUR WERE
IN HOUSTON: THAT SHOULD JUST
COUNT AS ONE:
AND D:C., YOU PLAYED FOR NINE
GAMES?
YES, SIR.
NINE GAMES: SPREAD OUT OVER THE
SE OF SEVEN SEASONS DUE TO
INJURIES AND A DEATH IN THE
FAMILY:
OH, I'M SO SORRY:
IT'S FINE: I WAS ONLY DEAD
FOR A FEW MINUTES:
I SEE.
WELL, FOR EVERY ATHLETE: SOME
DAY THE GAME HAS TO END:
WHAT ADVICE DO YOU HAVE FOR
FOER PROS STARTING THEIR POST
PLAYING CAREERS:
THINK ABOUT YOUR NEXT MOVE:
BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE GAME:
LUCKILY: MANY ATHLETES CAN MAKE
MONEY DOING ENDOEMENTS:
I'VE BEEN DOWN THAT ROAD JUST
LIKE YOU, PRETTY BOY:
I'VE BEEN UP THERE ON THE
BILLBOARD IN MY UNDERWEAR:
YEAH: IT'S PRETTY
EMBARRASSING: RIGHT?
YEAH: ESPECIALLY WHEN THE
POLICE GOT TO COME GET YOU DOWN:
I'M WORRIED ABOUT WHAT
FOOTBALL DID TO TS MAN'S HEAD:
YEAH, I KNOW: IT'S TOUGH FOR
OLDER PLAYERS:
YEAH, SURE IS: LUCKILY FOR
ME, I'M ONLY 27:
WITH THAT: LET'S TAKE A
BREAK:
WHEN WE COME BACK: OUR PANEL
WILL TAKE US THROUGH THEIR
CAREER HIGHLIGHTS:
STAY RIGHT THERE:
YEAH, LIKE I SAID: THE NUMBER
THREE WITH FRIES:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MIGOS: [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪
♪ WOO, WOO, WOO, WOO
WOO, WOO, WOO, WOO
DANCE WITH MY DOGS
IN THE NIGHTTIME ♪
♪ TRAP --- WITH THE CHICKENS
LIKE POPEYE'S
MONEY CHANGIN COLORS
LIKE TIE-DYE ♪
♪ I'M JUST TRYNA GET IT
I AIN'T TRYNA DIE
E GOT A BIG OL ONION BOOTY
MAKE THE WORLD CRY ♪
♪ IN THE KITCHEN WRIST
TWISTIN LIKE A STIR FRY
HOLD THEM BANDS DOWN
HOLD YOUR MANS DOWN ♪
♪ WHO TOLD YOU COME AROUND
THIS THAT TRAP SOUND ♪
♪ DESIGNER CLOTHES
FASHION SHOWS
TRAP HOUSE MADE OF GOLD
CONTROL THE BAG NOW ♪
♪ NO NEED TO BRAG NOW
AYY PUT THE MASK DOW
WE LIVIN FAST NOW ♪
♪ FINEST ---
WRIST FROZE
WE CAN GO
COASOAST ♪
♪ WATCHIN ME WHIP UP
STILL BE REAL AND FAMOUS
DANCE WITH MY DOGS
IN THE NIGHTTIME ♪
♪ IN THE KITCHEN
WRIST TWISTIN
LIKE A STIR FRY ♪
♪ IN THE KITCHEN
WRIST TWISTIN
LIKE A STIR FRY ♪
♪ IN THE KITCHEN
WRIST TWISTIN
LIKE A STIR FRY ♪
WRIST TWISTINHEN
LIKE A STIR FRY ♪
♪ TAKE IT WHIP IT
INTERMISSION
LET THE BIRDS FLY ♪
♪ I GET MONEY TUNNEL VISION
THROUGH MY THIRD EYE ♪
IN THAT SKILLET
WATCH ME FLIP IT
LIKE IT'S FIVE GUYS ♪
♪ LOOK AT MY PILGRIM
CHECK OUT THE CEILING
LOOK AT THE BLUE SKY ♪
♪ ICY PATEK CHECK YEAH
BOOGERS THEY SIT ON MY NECK
I DON'T REGRET --- YEAH ♪
♪ I'M PETTY AND
I DON'T GOT A DEBT
YOU CRAWL FORE YOU WALK
YOU CAN BALL EVERY WEEK ♪
♪ FOR MY DOGS HIND THE WALL
WE GON BALL WHEN YOU FREE
STOP WATCHIN' ME DEMOCRACY
YOU WANNA COPY ME ♪
♪ LIFE'S MONOPOLY GO COP ME
SOME LAND AND SOME PROPERTY
AP ROLLS PINK DIAMONDS WHOA
WHIP UP THE SODA ♪
♪ DIAMONDS OFF THE ROYCE
KEEP WATCHIN ME WHIP UP
STILL BE REAL AND FAMOUS ♪
♪ DANCE WITH MY DOGS
IN THE NIGHT TIME YEAH ♪
♪ IN THE KITCHEN
WRIST TWISTIN
LIKE A STIR FRY ♪
♪ IN THE KITCHEN
WRIST TWISTIN
LIKE A STIR FR
♪ IN THE KITCHEN
WRIST TWISTIN
LIKE A STIR FRY ♪
♪ IN THE KITCHEN
WRIST TWISTIN
LIKE A STIR FRY ♪
♪ IN THE KITCHEN
WRIST TWISTIN
LIKE A STIR FRY ♪
♪ IN THE KITCHEN
WRIST TWISTIN
LIKE A STIR FRY ♪
♪ IN THE KITCHEN
WRIST TWISTIN
LIKE A STIR FRY ♪
♪ IN THE KITCHEN
WRIST TWISTIN
LIKE A STIR FRY ♪
♪ IN THE KITCHEN
CURRY CHICKEN
CALL IT STIR FRY ♪
♪ TAKEOFF
I'M THE BIRD KEEPER
LET THE BIRDS FLY ♪
♪ WHY'S TRYNA TAKE MY PRIZE
YOU A DEAD GUY
OF COURSE I GOTTA KEEP WATCH
OUT THROUGH MY BIRD EYE ♪
♪ NO CASKET DROP DEAD FRESH
AND I GOT DEAD GUYS
DON'T DISCRIMINATE ♪
♪ BALLPLAYERSE
IN ALL SIZES
FINGER ROLL POST MOVE
OR THE PICK AND ROLL ♪
♪ THEY MAD THE WAY WE WIN
THEY THINK WE USED
A CHEAT CODE ♪
♪ WHY YOU KEEP LOOKIN AT ME
I FEEL LIKE --- GOT STATIC
IT MUST BE THE PATEK ♪
♪ POCKETS BLUE CHEESE
I'M IN THE KITCHEN ♪
♪ IN THE KITCHEN
WRIST TWISTIN
LIKE A STIR FRY ♪
♪ IN THE KITCHEN
WRIST TWISTIN
LIKE A STIR FRY ♪
♪ IN THE KITCHEN
WRIST TWISTIN
LIKE A STIR FRY ♪
♪ IN THE KITCHEN
WRIST TWISTIN
LIKE A STIR FRY ♪
♪ KEEP WATCHIN ME WHIP UP
STILL BE REAL AND FAMOUS
DANCE WITH MY DOGS
IN THE NIGHT TIME YEAH ♪
♪ IN THE KITCHEN
WRIST TW
LIKE A STIR FRY ♪
♪ IN THE KITCHEN
WRIST TWISTIN
LIKE A STIR FRY ♪
♪ IN THE KITCHEN
WRIST TWISTIN
LIKE A STIR FRY ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪ Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST
AND MICHAEL CHE:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WHAT'S UP, GOOD EVENING: HI.
HI, EVERYONE:
WELCOME:
WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE: I'M
MICHAEL CHE:
AND I'M COLIN JOST:
OKAY, I HAVE A SERIOUS QUESTION:
GUYS:
WHO STILL WORKS IN OUR
GOVERNMENT?
LIKE:HO STILL HAS AN ACTUAL
GOVERNMENT JOB?
AT THIS POINT: THE WHITE HOUSE
IS LIKE THAT DEAD MALL IN YOUR
HOMETOWN: WHERE IT'S JUST LIKE A
SUNGLASSES KIOSK AND A COUPLE
RACCOONS FIGHTING IN A
JC PENNEY:
> HOPE HICKS PRESIDENT TRUMP'S
COMMUNICATIONSDVIS SAID
WEDNESDAY SHE PLANNED TO RESIGN
TO PURSUE OTHER OPPORTUNITIES:
YOU KNOW THINGS ARE BAD: WHEN A
29-YEAR-OLD WITH NO EXPERIENCE:
WHO WORKS DIRECTLY FOR THE
PRESENTF THE UNITED STATES
THINKS: I GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS
DEADEND JOB:
SHE'S RESIGNING TO PURSUE OTHER
OPPORTUNITIES: THE SAME WAY
PEOPLE O THE TIE TARNIC DECIDED
THEY WANTED TO SEE OTHER BOATS:
> IT WAS REPORTED THAT
JARED KUSHNER: WHO BY THE WAY IS
THE ONLY GUY WHO MAKES ME LOOK
ETHNIC --
WAALSO STRIPPED OF HIS TOP
SECRET SECURITY CLEARANCE THIS
WEEK:
AND AT THAT EXACT MOMENT:
THOUGH, HE DIDN'T YET KNOW WHY:
STEVE BANNON GOT HIS FIRST
ERECTION IN 10 YEARS:
> DURING A BIPARTISAN MEETING:
PRESIDENT TRUMP CALLED FOR MORE
GUN CONTROL:
NOW OFFICIALS FM THE NRA ARE
SAYING AFTER MEETING WITH THE
PRESIDENT: HE'S BACKED OFF THAT
POSITION:
OH, REALLY: HE MET WITH GUN
ENTHUSIASTS AND HE SOMEHOW
CHANGED HIS MIND?
YOU KNOW THAT ONCE HAPPENED TO
ME, I SPOKE OUT ABOUT GANG
VIOLENCE: AND THEN WITH A
MEETING WITH THE BLOODS ON THE
OF OF MY BUILDING:
I DECIDED I DISAGREED WITH
MYSELF TOO:
> ANOTHER PROPOSAL SAID WE
SHOULD GIVE GUNS TO TEACHERS:
I TRIED TO CONSIDER THAT IDEA:
THEN I REMEMBERED I HAD CATHOLIC
NUNS AS TEACHERS GROWING UP:
THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE RUNS:
IMEAN: THEY WERE VIOLENT ENOUGH
WITH RULERS:
OF COURSE, NUNS ARE VIOLENT:
IMAGINE A TEACHER AND HOW
FRUSTRATED THEY ARE AL TIM
NOW IMAGINE A TEACHER WHO'S A
NUN.
THEY CAN NEVER HAVE SEX:
> DICK'S SPORTING GOODS HAS
ANNOUNCED THAT IN THE WAKE OF
THE FLORIDA SHOOTING IT WILL
IMMEDIATELY STOP SELLING ASSAULT
RIFLES:
GOOD:
MAYBE NOW WE CAN STOP PRETENDING
THAT HUNTING IS A SPORT:
BECAUSE IT'S NOT.
I'VE NEVER SEEN A DEER GET SHOT
AND THEN GRABBED HIS SIDE AND
SAY, "AH, GOOD GAME:"
YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE TERRORIZING
ANIMALS A SPORT BECAUSE YOU LIKE
TO DO IT.
IF YOU GET CAUGHT HAVING SEX
WITH A DEER, YOU CAN'T BE LIKE:
UNHAND ME, I'M AN ATHLETE:
SHOOTING ANIMALS FOR SPORT IS
WRONG ANYWAY:
THERE'S SO MANY SAFER WAYS TO
FEEL STRONG AND MAKE YOUR HEART
RACE:
TRY SMOKING CRACK: OKAY?
DON'T HUNT FOR OD: JUST EAT
RICE:
YOU DON'T NEED TO HUNT IF YOU
EAT RICE:
YOU DON'T NEED TOILET PAPER
EITHER:
WE CAN'T JUST LET ANYONE HAVE AN
ASSAULT RIFLE:
THE SAME WAY WE CAN'T LET ANY
COUNTRY HAVE A NUKE:
THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
CAUTIOUS AND INSANE:
THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
HAVING A CONDOM IN YOUR WALLET
AND WRAPPING YOUR ENTIRE PENIS
INBLE WRAP:
> HOPE HICKS SHOCKED MANY BY
ANNOUNCING SHE'S RESIGNING:
HERE TO EXPLAIN IS HOPE HICKS:
HI.
I'M A LITTLE SURPRISED YOU'RE
HERE:
I FEEL LIKE I'VE ACTUALLY NEVER
HEARD YOU SPEAK:
NO, YOU HAVEN'T.
'CAUSE I HAVEN'T.
I NEVER HAVE:
I'VE NEVER HAD TO:
LIKE: NO ONE EVER PRESSED ME ON
IT.
THE MEDIA'S ACTUALLY BEEN SO
NICE TO ME:
LIKE: ACTUALLY LIKE INSANELY
NICE TO ME:
WHY DO YOU THINK THE MEDIA'S
BEEN SO NICE TO YOU?
UM, WELL, IF I HAD TO GUESS:
I'D SAY BECAUSE MY HAIR AND FACE
ARE GOOD:
BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT, ALSO:
HONESTLY: I JUST -- I TRY TO
STAY OUT OF WHOLE ARENA:
BECAUSE COMMUNICATIONS AT THE
WHITE HOUSE IS A MESS:
YEAH: AND YOUR JOB WAS?
WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS
DIRECTOR:
RIGHT:
ANYWAY, YOU KNOW WHAT:
WORKING THE WHITE HOUSE WAS
LIKE GOING TO SUMMER CAMP:
YOU MAKE ALL THESE NEW FRIENDS:
YOU BARELY GET ANY SLEEP: AND
THEN EVERYBODY LEAVES AFTER
EIGHT WEEKS:
PLUS THERE'S TONS OF CUTE GUYS
THERE: MOST ARE CLASSIC BAD
GUYS, CRAZY HAIRCUTS: AND
BREAKING THE LAW: AND THEY'VE
ALL HIT A GIRL:
THAT'S A BAD BOY?
NO,ECAUSE THEY'RE MEN.
SO THEY'RE BAD MEN:
THEY'RE REALLY BAD MEN:
AND YOU'RE OKAY WITH IT?
OKAY WITH IT: I WAS LIKE A
KID IN A CANDY STORE:
I WAS LIKE: I THINK I'M GOING TO
LIKE IT HERE:
THAT'S COOL:
ANYWAY: I REALLY AM GOING TO
MISS ALL MY FRIENDS FROM MY
SEMESTER ABROAD AT THE WHITE
HOUSE:
IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND: I WANTO
READ A STATEMENT I PREPARED:
SOME PEOPLE DANCE IN OUR
LIVES AND QUICKLY GO:
THEY ALWAYS LEAVE FOOTPRINTS ON
OUR HEARTS AND FINGERPRINTS ON
RUSSIAN DOCUMENTS:
TO KELLY ANN: YOU TAUGHT ME THAT
A STRONG WOMAN COULD RUN A
CAMPAIGN AND WIN:
AND YOU SHOWED ME WHAT I COULD
TURN INTO IF I STICK AROUND TOO
LONG:
YOU'RE LIKE THE HUMAN VERSION OF
PICTURES OF BLACK LUNGS ON
CIGARETTE BOXES:
TO DONNY: I'LL ALWAYS BE YOUR
HOPEY:
WHICH IS WHAT YOU CALLED ME WHEN
YOU NEEDED HELP: BECAUSE YOUR
BIG RED TIE TOUCHED THE TOILET
WATER:
IT WAS SO MUCH FUN BEING THE
TRUMP TRANSLATOR:
LIKE THAT WOMAN WHO TAUGHT SIGN
LANGUAGE TO COCOA THE GORILLA:
WHAT?
YEAH, WE HAD SIGNS LIKE:
DONALD HUNGRY:
DONALD ANGRY:
DONALD SLORNGRY:
WAIT: WHAT'S SLORNGRY?
OH, THAT'S WHEN HE WAS
SLEEPY, ANGRY AND HORNY:
AND DONNY: NEVER FORGET OUR
LITTLE INSIDE JOKE -- THE
MEETING WAS ABOUT RUSSIAN
ADOPTION:
HE'LL GET THAT: BUT YOU WON'T
KNOW THAT ONE:
THIS IS THE HARDEST ONE:
IVANKA: MY BFF, YOU WERE THE ONE
WHO TOLD ME ABOUT THIS
INTERNSHIP OR JOB OR WHAT IS IT?
AND EVER SINCE THEN: IT'S BEEN
LIKE A NEVER-ENDING SLEEPOVER:
LIKE ONE WHERE YOU WAKE UP AND
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT YOU
OPEN YOUR EYES AND YOU'RE LIKE:
IS THAT MY FRIEND'S DAD IN THE
DOORWAY?
IS HE STANDING THERE WATCHING
US.
AND IT WAS THAT MOMENT STRETCHED
OUT OVER THREE YEARS:
HEARTS, GIRL:
AND TO EVERYONE ELSE AT THE
TRUMP WHITE HOUSE: SEE YOU AT
THE REUNION IN 10 YEARS:
SEVEN WITH GOOD BEHAVIOR:
HOPE HICKS, EVERYONE:
I HAVE SO MUCH MONEY:
> 86% OF THE PEOPLE ARRESTED
IN NEW YORK CITY FOR MARIJUANA
POSSESSION ARE BLACK OR LATINO:
WHILE THE REST ARE BLACK AND
LATINO:
> PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS OPPOSED
A TAX ON ALUMINUM: WHICH WORKS
OUT TO A MILLION DOLLAR PER
MONTH TAX ON BLAKE SHELTON:
> A RARE LETTER BY MAHATMA
GANDHI: IN WHICH HE MENTIONS
JESUS CHR BEING SOLD AT
AUCTION:
HIS LETTER READS SIMPLY: JESUS
CHRIST, I'M HUNGRY:
> THE ACADEMY AWARDS ARE
TOMO HERE TO BREAK
EVERYTHING DOWN IS RESIDENT
MOVIE BUFF, KYLE MOONEY:
WHAT'S UP, MIKE?
OSCAR SUNDAY: LET'S GET IT!
WOW!
YOU SEEM PRETTY EXCITED:
OF COURSE: MAN, EVERYBODY ALL
DRESSED UP, IT'S GOING DOWN:
BIG MIKE!
NOBODY CALLS ME THAT:
UH-HUH.
MIKE, COLIN: ME -- THE BOYS!
BUT UM: WHAT'S THE PLAN ON
SUNDAY?
WHERE ARE WE GONNA, YOU KNOW:
WHERE ARE WE GONNA WATCH THE BIG
SHOW?
OH, I DON'T KNOW YET:
DON'T --
I'M STILL TRYING TO FIGURE
OUT WHAT I'M GOING TO DO:
WHAT DO YOU GOT FOR BEST PICTURE
THIS YEAR?
I'LL GET TO THAT:
BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU: COLIN?
DON'T YOU USUALLY DO: LIKE A BIG
OSCAR PARTY LIKE EVERY YEAR OR
SOMETHING?
WHAT'S THAT?
NO, SOMETIMES -- I'M ACTUALLY
NOT SURE YET:
REALLY?
BECAUSE I THOUGHT I HEARD SOME
PEOPLE SAYING YOU ARE DOING A
BIG THING THIS YEAR?
THAT'S NOT GOING DOWN NO MO:
I GUESS I WAS THINKING ABOUT
MAYBE DOING SOMETHING: BUT I
DON'T KNOW IF IT'S GOING TO COME
TOGETHER:
OKAY: UM, BECAUSE YOU LIKE --
YOU WOULDN'T JUST NOT INVITE ME:
RIGHT?
WHAT?
NO, IF I WAS DOING ONE: YOU
WOULD BE INVITED FOR SURE:
DOPE:
WELL: LET'S JUST DO IT ATY
PLACE:
MICHAEL YOU SAID YOU FOR SURE
DON'T HAVE ANY PLANS YET: RIGHT?
I SAID THAT?
PLEASE DON'T TELL HIM:
WHAT'S THAT?
NO, CHE AND I WERE TALKING:
WE HAVE TO FIGURE SOMETHING OUT
LATER:
OKAY: HOW ABOUT WE FIGURE
THIS OUT RIGHT NOW:
SO BIG MIKE:
WHAT TIME ARE WE THINKING: LIKE
10:00 A.M. START: I THINK MY
BROTHER AND HIS GIRL MIGHT ROLL
OVER TOO: SHEIGHT BRING HER
BOSS:
SO THE GROUP WOULD BE YOU:
YOUR BROTHER HIS GIRLFRIEND AND
HER BOSS:
YEAH!
AND YOU AND COLIN: SINCE YOU
GUYS DON'T HAVE PLANS:
WE GOT TO TELL HIM:
I GOT TO BE HONEST: I'M
STARTING TO THINK THAT COLIN IS
HAVING A PARTY AND HE'S NOT
INVITING ME BECAUSE YOU GUYS
DON'T LIKE ME:
I MEAN THIS KIND OF FEELS LIKE
MIDDLE SCHOOL: WHERE PEOPLE
WOULD BE FAKE TO ME BECAUSE I
DIDN'T WEAR NAME BRAND SHOES:
IS THAT THE PROBLEM?
THAT I DON'T WEAR NAME BRAND
SHOES?
NO, IT'S DEFINITELY NOT:
OKAY, WELL, THEN: WHAT IS IT?
SAY IT TO MY FACE:
OH, WAIT: I GUESS THE PARTY
ISN'T HAPPENING ANY MORE: EVEN
THOUGH I JUST FOUND THIS:
ALL RIGHT, FINE, KYLE: I'M
SORRY, I'M THROWING A PARTY:
IT'S JUST THAT YOU AND I ARE NOT
THAT CLOSE: AND I COULDN'T
INVITE EVERYTHING: OKAY?
I'M SORRY MAN:
OKAY:
AND YOU'RE POSITIVE IT HAS
NOTHING TO DO WITH MY SHOES?
DO THOSE SAY BEEBOK:
ALL RIGHT, FINE: IT'S BECAUSE
OF YOUR OFF BRAND SHOES:
THEY'RE CHEAP: BUT THEY'RE
JUST AS GOOD AS THE REAL THING:
I MEAN: HEY, WE ONLY MAKE 8
BUCKS AN HOUR HERE: RIGHT?
OH, NO.
DO YOU GUYS MAKE MORE THAN
THAT?
KYLE MOONEY, EVERYONE:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
> BARBRA STREISAND REVEALED
THAT TWO OF HER DOGS ARE
ACTUALLY CLONES OF A THIRD ONE
WHO RECENTLY PASSED AWAY:
STARS -- THEY'RE JUST LIKE US:
> THE LAS VEGAS AIRPORT HAS
SET UP NEW RECEPTIC ELS THAT AM
ALLOW PASSENGERS TO DISPOSE OF
THEIR MARIJUANA BEFORE BOARDING
A PLANE:
THE RECEPT CALS LOOK JUST LIKE
THIS:
> MARCH IS WOMEN'S HISTORY
MONTH:
AND OF COURSE: IT'S THE ONLY
MONTH THAT TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO:
MARCH!
IT TELLS YOU TO MARCH:
YEAH, MARCH:
> THE WINTER OLYMPICS ENDED
THIS SUNDAY:
HERE TO GIVE HER FIRSTHAND
REPORT IS SNL'S NUMBER ONE
OLYMPICS FAN, LESSCY JONES:
YOU ACTUALLY WENT TO
PYEONGCHANG:
IT WAS AWESOME:
YOU THINK I STAND OUT IN
AMERICA: EVERYBODY IN KOREA WAS
4'1" THEY EITHER THOUGHT I WAS
AN ATHLETE OR A D:
SOME OF THEM THOUGHT I WAS A
TRANSFORMER:
BUT A TRANSFORMER DON'T EAT
KOREAN BBQ LIKE THAT
SO YOU ENJOYED THE WINTER
OLYMPICS?
MAN, I LOVED IT, COLIN:
I DIDN'T THINK I WOULD:
BECAUSE HONESTLY: THIS YEAR IS
THE FIRST YEAR THAT I GOT INTO
THE WINTER ONES AS MUCH AS THE
SUMMER ONES:
I NEVER GO SKIING:
I LOVED SEEING JAMIE ANDERSON
OUT THE RING THE HASHPIPE:
I THINK IT'S THE HALFPIPE:
SHUT UP!
OKAY:
YOU DON'T KNOW!
I'M THE EXPERT:
OKAY: AND DID YOU LIKE THE
BOBSLEDDING?
OH, YEAH:
WOO!
THOSE THIGHS WERE NICE FOR MY
EYES:
BUT MY FAVORITE WAS HOCKEY:
THAT'S VIOLENCE ON ICE: THEY'RE
PUNCHING AND CHECKING BITCHES AT
30 MILES AN HOUR:
AND DID YOKNOWHAT THEY GOT A
THING CALLED THE PENALTY BOX?
YEAH:
THEY SEND YOU THERE AFTER YOU
CHECK A BITCH!
AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING:
IF I PLAYED HOCKEY: THEY WOULD
CALL ME PENALTY BOX JONES:
'CAUSE THAT'S WHERE I WOULD BE
THE WHOLE GAME:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: THE
AMERICAN TEAM IS BRINGING IN
PENALTY BOX JONES!
OH, MY GOD, CAN SHE DO THAT?
SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE ON SKATES!
IS THAT LEGAL?
COLIN, I LOVE HOCKEY:
THAT'S WONDERFUL:
AND THE WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN
THE MEN:
THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT:
I SAID IT:
[ CHEE APPLAUSE ]
THEY WON THE GOLD MEDAL ON A
SHOOTOUT:
AND THIS WOMAN WHO DID THE
WINNING GOAL: SHE DID LIKE A
POP-LOCKING MOVE:
LIKE POP-POP P!
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY COULD DO
THAT:
I DID NOT THINK YOU'D BE A
HOCKEY FAN:
WE SHOULD GO SOMETIME TO A GAME:
O YOUIKE HOCKEY: SNOW
MUFFIN?
I PLAYED A LITTLE BIT OF
HOCKEY GROWING UP:
MAYBE I COULD TEACH YOU A COUPLE
MOVES:
YOU ARE SO WHITE:
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND YOU SOUND PRETTY CONFIDENT:
I ALREADY GOT A FRIEND WHO SAID
THAT SHE'LL GIVE ME SOME
POINTERS:
HEY, HILARY:
YEAH!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YES!
YES, COLIN:
THIS IS HILARY KNIGHT:
SHE JUST WON THE GOLD MEDAL FOR
THE S. WEN'S HOCKEY TEAM:
YEAH!
HI THERE, HILARY:
CONGRATULATIONS:
THANK YOU:
I HEARD YOU PLAYED HOCKEY
GROWING UP AND YOU'RE GOING TO
SHOW US SOME MOVES:
WELL, I -- I MEAN: I PLAYED
RECREATIONAL: I DON'T THINK I
COULD TEACH YOU ANYTHING:
I'D LOVE TO SEE SOMETHING:
I WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOU TRY:
SO DON'T BE TALKIN' ABOUT HOW
YOU GONNA TEACH ME SOMETHING: I
HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE GOLD MEDAL
OLYMPIANS:
[ CHEERS ANDPPLAE ]
GET IT?
YEAH, I GOT IT:
DO YOU, COLIN?
DO YOU GOT IT:
LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION:
HILARY DO THIS WITH ME:
WHO RUN THE WORLD?
GIRLS:
WHO RUN THIS MOTHER?
GIRLS:
HILARY: TELL COLIN WHAT I
TOLD YOU TO TELL HIM:
COLIN, YOUS A BITCH:
HILARY KNIGHT AND LESLIE
JONES, EVERYONE:
FOR WEEKEND UPDATE:
> WHAT'S UP, AND WELCOME TO
VH1'S HUMP OR DUMP:
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR YOUR
HOST, FREDDIE HOBBES:
WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL.
WHAT'S UP.
I'M FREDDIE HOBBES AND YOU'RE
WATCHING THE ONLY SHOW WHERE ONE
GUY GETS HUMPED AND TWO LOSERS
GET DUMPED:
NO LET'S MEET OUR LUCKY
BACHELORETTE: OUR MISS THAN OF THE MOMENT: AMANDA DURKELL:
I'M SO HAPPY TO BE HERE:
FREDDIE: I JUST ENDED A SIX YEAR
RELATIONSHIP: SO I'M LOOKING TO
GET SLAMMED BY SOME TRASH:
ALL RIGHT, WELL AMANDA:
YOU'RE HERE FOR ALL THE RIGHT
REASONS:
LET'S MEET OUR POTENTIAL --
WHAT'S UP, AMANDA: I'M TRENT
BURKETT AND I LIKE TO WORK IT:
I WANT TO SEND A QUICK SHOUTOUT
TO MY MIEST THE HOOKAH
HIDEOUT:
OOH, ME LIKEY:
AMANDA, I'M CHAD ROBBINS: AND
WHEN I'M NOT TEACHING ZUMBA: I'M
MASTERING THE HIGH ART OF
CAPARERA:
HEYMAND I'M DOUG: LET'S
JUST SAY IT'S IN EVERYONE'S BEST
INTEREST YOU PICK ME:
YIKES:
YOU KNOW, DOUG: YOU CATCH MORE
FLIES WITH HONEY THAN YOU DO
WITH VINEGAR:
WHO THE HELL WANT FLIES: I
WANT A WOMAN:
ALL RIGHT LET'S GET INTO IT:
AMANDA, THE FLOOR IS YOURS:
OKAY: WELL I CAN'T WAIT TO
GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER:
TRENT, AS THE MANAR OF:F.
CHANGS: I'M USED TO BEING THE
HEAD BITCH:
WHAT DO YOU BRING TO THE TABLE?
WELL AMANDA WHEN YOU ROLL
WITH T DOG YOUR VIP: I'M TALKING
HELICOPTERS: HAMPTONS AND HALF
OFF ENTREES AT ALL DAVE AND
BUSTERS:
OOH LA LA THAT'S TEMPTING:
NOT GOOD, YOU SHOULD PICK ME:
WHEN YOU'RE WITH CHAD: IT'S
NOTHING BUT HIPS: LIPS AND HIPS
I THINK:
OKAY, COLOR ME INTRIGUED:
AND DOUG, SAME QUESTION:
LET ME PUT THIS PLAINLY
AMANDA:
IF YOU DON'T PICK ME: I'M GOING
TO KILL MYSELF:
I'M NOT SURE I HEARD YOU
RIGHT:
YEAH, YOU DID:
I'MMA KILL MYSELF:
I CAME TO WIN AND I'M PUTTING
ALL MY CHIPS ON THTABL
HEY, COME ON: MAN THAT IS NOT
COOL, YOU CAN'T PUT THAT ON HER:
NOW IF YOU'RE BATTLING
DEPRESSION RIGHT NOW: WE CAN GET
YOU SOME HELP:
I'MOT DRESSED: THIS IS A
GAME SHOW, AND I WANT TO WIN:
IS HE ALLOWED TO DO THIS?
OF COURSE NOT:
USUALLY OUR PRODUCER TINA VETS
THESE PEOPLE:
HE SEEMED COOL:
THANK YOU TINA:
I HOPE YOU DON'T MAKE ME
STRAIGHT UP KILL MYSELF:
YOU KNOW: LET'S MOVONO
THE NEXT QUESTION:
OKAY:
IT'S 2:00 A.M. AND I TEXT YOU
'SUP.
WHAT COMBO OF EMOJIS DO YOU SEND
BACK?
I GO PEACH EMOJI: EGGPLANT
EMOJI: WATER SQUIRT AND TONGUE
OUT.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING
TO DO IF YOU DON'TICK :
THAT'S NOT THE QUESTION:
I'M GONNA DRIVE HOME: PARK MY
OLDSMOBILE IN THE GARAGE AND
HOOK UP A HOSE TO THE EXHAT:
ROLL DOWN MY WINDOWS AND ROLL
THE ENGINES UNTIL I GO IN A DEEP
LONG DARK ETERNAL SLEEP:
JUST LIKE MY DADDY AND MY
DADDY'S DADDY BEFORE HIM:
OKAY: I DON'T LIKE THIS AT
ALL.
YEAH, AGREED:
AND IT KIND OF FEELS LIKE I
HAVE TO PICK DOUG OR HE'S GOING
TO KL HIMSELF:
SURE AM:
WAIT, WHAT: NO.
THAT'S NOT FAIR:
I KILL MYSELF TOO:
HOW?
I DON'T KNOW:
WL YOAIN'T SERIOUS:
I HATE TO PUT YOU IN THIS
POSITION: BUT YOU'RE GOING TO
HAVE TO PICK SOMEBODY:
AND HONESTLY YOU DO NOT HAVE TO
PICK DOUG:
HIS MENTAL STABILITY IS NOT YOUR
RESPONSIBILITY:
YES, IT IS.
YOU DON'T OWE HIM ANYTHING:
YES, YOU DO:
THERE'S NO BLOOD ON YOUR
HANDS:
IT IS IF YOU PICK ME:
HEY, RELAX: ALL RIGHT?
AMANA: I'M GONNA NEED THAT
ANSWER:
WILL IT BE TRENT: WILL IT BE
CHAD OR WILL BE IT DOUG?
CHAD:
I CHOOSE CHAD:
WHAT, WHAT: WHAT HAPPENED
HERE?
I GOT TO DO IT: I GOT TO KEEP
MY WORD:
DOUG: YOU DON'T NEED TO GO
THROUGH WITH THAT: Y'REORTH
SOMETHING:
THANKS: MAN.
NOW, LET'S TAKE OUT THAT
TRASH:
THESE LOSERS GOT DUMPED:
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK ON HUMP
OR DUMP?
♪
SHUT IT DOWN., CHET, CHET: SHUT IT DOWN: COME ON: YOU'VE BEEN ON THE
JACKHAMMER ALL DAY:
STOP HOGGING IT: LET SOMEBODY
ELSE GET IN THERE:
I DON'T MIND IT, I LOVE IT:
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT BREAKING
UP PAVEMENT THAT RELAXES ME:
HEADS UP GUYS, KILLER BABE:
10 O'CLOCK:
OH MAN, GIRL --
NO, DON'T EVEN:
OKAY: THIS MAY COME AS A SHOCK
TOT I AM NOT AN OBJECT
AND YOU NEED TO WAKE UP:
WHOA!
WHAT DID I SAY?
ALL I WAS GOING TO SAY IS
NICE, YOU LOOK NICE:
AND THANK YOU FOR THE SPLASH OF
COLOR:
YEAH, RIGHT: OF COURSE YOU
WERE:
WHY IS IT LADIES ALWAYS GET
TO WEAR THE BEST COLORS?
YOU CAN'T FIND A MAGENTA THAT
SINGS LIKE THAT IN M'S
CLOTHING:
YEAH, YOU KNOW: THIS MIGHT BE
STUPID BUT SOMETIMES I WONDER
WHAT I WOULD WEAR IF I WAS LIKE
A LADY: YOU KNOW?
LIKE WHAT MY STYLE WOULD BE:
WHERE ARE WE GOING WITH THIS?
NO, NO, NO, NO CHET IS RIGHT:
IT STILL STUNG: BUT WOMEN HAVE
SO MANY OUTFITS:
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
WHEN YOU LOOK IN MY CLOSET
IT'S JUST A SEA OF TANS AND
BROWNS:
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT:
I AM WITH YOU WITH THAT:
WHY DO WOMEN GET TO ECHO THE
SEASONS IN SUCH PLAYFUL WAYS?
IF I WERE A WOMAN: I'D ROCK A
HIGH WASTED HAREM PAS:
THERE IT IS:
DID WE GET HIGH AND I NOT
KNOW ABOUT IT?
LET'S EAT ROAST BEEF SANDWICHES:
AND TALK ABOUT THE GIRLS WE'D
LIKE TO DATE AROUND WITH:
COME ON: WE DO THAT EVERY
DAY.
TODAY WE'RE EXPLORING NEW
AVENUES:
YOU KNOW:OMETES I WATCH
THE OSCARS ON THE RED CARPET:
I'M LIKE: HOW WOULD I WOW THEM
IF I'M A NOMINATED ACTRESS:
BUT, I DON'T KNOW: RIGHT?
I THINK I'D WEAR A GOWN THAT
HAD A REALLY LARGE PEEK-A-BOO
HOLE IN THE BACK:
PUT A LITTLE BACKWARDS NECKLACE
ON SO THE PENDANT WOULD END UP
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
PEEK-A-BOO HOLE:
I DON'T KNOW: I'M JUST
SPITBALLING:
WHAT MIGHT YOU CARRY AS A
CLUTCH THERE CHET?
SOMETHING SMALL:
JUST BIG ENOUGH FOR MY PHONE --
ACCEPTANCE SPEECH AND A FEW
PILLS:
I'D LIKE TO THINK HOW I WOULD
POSE ON THE CARPET: MAYBE
SOMETHING LIKE THIS:
I DON'T KNOW: SOMETHING LIKE
THAT:
I THINK I WOULD WEAR LIKE A
GOLD SLOUCHY BOOT:
YOU KNOW?
ONE THAT YOU CAN PUSH DOWN
AROUND YOUR ANKLE:
MAYBE SOME SHIMMERY SWEAT PANTS:
LIKE AN OVERSIZED PINK SWEAT
TOP.
THAT HAS A LARGE ENOUGH OPENING
THAT IT WOULD FALL DOWN AND
EXPOSE ONE SHOULDER:
AND MAYBE THE SHIRT WOULD HAVE A
PHRASE ON THE FRONT LIKE: I'M NO
ANGEL:
I DON'T KNOW:
YOU WEARING THAT TO THE
OSCARS?
YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND:
THAT'S A VMA LOOK:
YOU DON'T DISRESPECT THE ACADEMY
SHOW UP LIKE A BRATZ DOLL:
HEY, YOU'RE PUTTING WORDS IN
MY MOUTH: I NEVER SAID I WEAR
THAT TO THE OSCARS:
DON'T BE MAD AT ME: WE WERE
TALKING ABOUT THE OSCARS AND YOU
BRING UP THIS OUTFIT THAT IS
STRAIGHT OFF A MANNEQUIN FROM
STRAWBERRIES:
CHET WENT THERE:
STRAWBERRIES?
MAYBE YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS
BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO
PULL THAT LOOK OFF:
I OUGHTA CRACK YOUR SKULL
OPEN RIGHT NOW:
YEAH, BEAT HIS ASS:
HOA, EASY I'M TRYING TO
DIGEST MY ROAST BEEF:
CAN WE CHANGE THE SUBJECT
PLEASE?
DEFINITELY:
SO PANTYHOSE OR NO?
WHAT ARE YOU: A SECRETARY
FROM THE '80s?
GUYS, HEADS UP:
LOOK WHAT'S COMING OUR WAY:
HEY, LOOKING HOT:
GET A LIFE, YOU MORON:
OU KNOW WHAT?
TOXIC MASCULINITY IS A PAIR
OF VELVET HANDCUFFS:
AND GENDER NORMS HAVE THE HIDDEN
KEY.
I'M COMFORTABLE WITH IT: BUT I
KNOW I'M RESTRICTED:
HELL: I COULDN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT
WHAT DRESS I'D WEAR TO THE
OSCARS: BECAUSE I HAVE NO
IMAGINATION:
MY MIND CAN'T GO THERE:
AND I'M NOT SUITED FOR ABSTRACT
THINKING:
WELL: I THINK YOU'D PROBABLY
WEAR A LG DEM SKIRT WITH A
REALLY THIN METALLIC BELT:
YEAH, WITH A NICE SHAWL:
IS MY DAUGHTER GETTING
MARRIED?
WHY AM I COVERING MY SHOULDERS?
COME ON I THINK THAT WOULD
LOOK GOOD ON YOU!
OH, YOU WOULD?
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HOW YOU
SEE ME:
I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE MY
FRIENDS:
WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
GIVE ME THAT JACKHAMMER BACK:
THIS IS STRESSING ME OUT:
> ONCE AGAIN, MIGOS: [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪
♪ TRAPPING LIKE THE NARCO
GOT DOPE LIKE PABLO
CUT YOUR THROAT LIKE PABLO
CHOP TREES WITH THE DRACO ♪
♪ ON THE NORTH GOT THE YE GO
SAYING HASTA LUEGO
WE'LL BE IN WRAPPING KILOS
SNUB NOSE WITH POTATOES ♪
♪ STRAIGHT OUT THE JUNGLE
THIS REAL RAP NO MUMBLE
MY SKIN BLACK LIKE MAMBA
GOT STASH BOXES IN HONDAS ♪
♪ STRAIGHT OUT THE JUNGLE
BRICKS IN THE BRICK HOUSE
USE TO HIT LICKS
AND GO TO MA HOUSE ♪
♪ STRAIGHT OUT THE JUNGLE
YOUNG --- DON'T KNOW
NOTHIN NOW ♪
♪ YOUNG -W
TOO MUCH NOW
BOW BOW BOW
THAT'LL SLOW EM DOWN ♪
♪ WE PICK UP THE HUNDOS
THEN DROP THEM OFF TO HUNCHO
I CAME FROM THE BANDO
TRAPPING LIKE THE NA♪
♪ GOT DOPE LIKE PABLO
CUT YOUR THROAT LIKE PABLO
CHOP TREES WITH THE DRACO ♪
♪ ON THE NORTH GOT THE YE GO
SAYING HASTA LUEGO
WE'LL BE IN WRAPPING KILOS
SNUB NOSE WITH PS ♪
♪ STRAIGHT OUT THE JUNGLE
THIS RL RAP NO MUMBLE
MY SKIN BLACK LIKE MAMBA
GOT STASH BOXES IN HONDAS ♪
♪ STRAIGHT OUT THE JUNGLE
COLD GANG WITH THE COCAINE
THE MORE MONEY
MAKE MORE RAIN
♪ POURING UP A PINT
WHILE I'M BAGGING PROPANE
POINT BLANK RANGE
GIVE A --- NOSE RINGS ♪
♪ SKIP TO MY LOU
WITH A PACK IN THE CAT
JIFFY LUBE WHERE THE BRICKS
WHERE THEY AT ♪
♪ TRIPPY OOZE
THE PATEK ALL WET
THE BIRDS IN THE TRAP ♪
♪ THEY AIN'T LEAVIN
OUT THEY NEST
BAGUETTE PRIVATE SIT
LIKE METH YEAH ♪
♪ YUP RUNNIN WITH
THE PACK GOT SLAPPED
HANDS IN THE COOKIE R
CUT HIS FINGER OFF ♪
♪ --- BEIN GREEDY WE GON
CUT HIS TUMMY OUT
HUNDRED BRICKS ON THE ROADS
TOOK A COUPLE ROUTES ♪
♪ PLUSH MOMMA HOUSE HERMES
AND FENDI COUCH
I AIN'T REALLY WITH
THE RAZZLE DAZZLE ♪
♪ KNOCK HIM OFF AND THEN
I THROW HIM OFF THE BOAT
PADDLE ♪
♪ GO TO TIJUANA
PUT THE KILO ON THE SADDLE
SACK HIM HIT A ---
CARBON PTERODACTYL ♪
♪ PAP HIM CHOPPA BITIN
DOWN LIKE AN APPLE
MANSION WITH THE ACRES WITH
THE HORSES AND THE CATTLE ♪
♪ TRAPPING LIKE THE NARCO
GOT DOPE LIKE PABLO
CUT YOUR THROAT LIKE PABLO
CHOP TREES WITH THE DRACO ♪
♪ ON THE NORTH GOT THE YE GO
SAYING HASTA LUEGO
WE'LL BE IN WRAPPING KILOS
SNUB NOSE WITH POTATOES ♪
♪ STRAIGHT OUT THE JUNGLE
THIS REAL RAP NO MUMBLE
MY SKIN BLACK LIKE MAMBA
GOT STASH BOXES IN HONDAS ♪
♪ STRAIGHT OUT THE JUNGLE
TAKE TAKEOFF
NO MONKEY IN THE JUNGLE
BLOCK HOT LIKE A SAUNA ♪
♪ BUSTIN KNOCKIN ON ME
TRYNA WEAVE WITH ANACONDAS
JUMPIN IN THE WATER ♪
♪ TRYING TO SNEAK
ACROSS THE WATERGLASS
SEE GUARDS OUT
GOT ME BEAT BY A PIRANHA ♪
♪ I'LL BAG IT BAG A MONEY
KNOW I GOTTA HAVE IT
SAVAGE BUT I'M STILL
A GENTLEMAN IN CALI ♪
♪ STATIC --- TURN TO MEAN
UT THE CABBAGE ♪
♪ KILL HIS WHOLE FAMILY IF
HE RUN OFF
WITH YOUR PACKAGE ♪
♪ I JUST PUT A PACK ON
THE WAY TO BOGOTA
POKE HIS EYES OUT ♪
♪ AIN'T NO TELLING
WHAT HE SAW
I'MA WIRE HIS JAW ♪
♪ I DON'T KNOW
IF HE WILL TALK
GET THE CHAINSAW AND
I'MA SAW HIS LEGS OFF ♪
♪ THEY KNEW THAT WE WAS GANG
BUT THEY SAYING
THAT WE A RING ♪
♪ MY SKIN BLACK LIKE MAMBA
GOT STASH BOXES IN HONDAS
STRAIGHT OUT THE JUNGLE ♪
[ CHEERSND ALAUSE ]
> YEAH, ALL RIGHT, DESPERADOS: LAST CALL: YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO HOME: BUT
YOU CAN'T STAY HERE:
HANG ON, BARTENDER:
I'LL HAVE ONE MORE SPEEDY
GONZALEZ:
THAT'S A HOT MARGARITA WITH A
DULCOLAX IN IT:
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I'LL HAVE A PLANTAR'S
PUNCH:
I ALREADY GOT THE WARTS:
WELL, WELL, WELL: THE OSCARS
WERE TOMORROW: BUT I THINK I'M
LOOKING AT THE WORST POSSIBLE
SPT NOMINEE TONIGHT:
OKAY, WELL: IF YOU PLAY YOUR
CARDS RIGHT: MAYBE YOU'LL GET TO
WALK MY RED CARPET:
[ LAUGHTER ]
UNLESS YOU'D RATHER BE MY SEAT
FILLER:
[ LAUGHTER ]
HEY BUDD MINIF I SLAM MY
CLAM A LITTLE CLOSER?
[ LAUGHTER ]
THERE'S A NAIL IN THIS STOOL AND
IT HAS PIERCED MY RUBBER
UNDERWEAR:
SURE: JUST LET ME GET THIS
LAST GUMP OF CLEAN AIR BEFORE
YOU GET HERE:
NOW I'M READY:
SO WHERE YOU BEEN ALL MY PART
OF THE NIGHT WHERE I WAS LUCID?
[ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS PROBABLY ON THE
BATHROOM ON MY HANDS AND KNEES:
OH YEAH?
YEAH?
WERE YOU SICK OR WERE YOU DOING
FOLKS:
I WISH:
MY TEMPORARY CROWN FELL OUT IN
THTOILET: I WAS LOOKING FOR IT
FOR ABOUT AN HOUR:
BUT I GOT IT:
OH, NICE, NICE:
WORTH IT:
YEAH:
THE NAME IS SHEILA SOVAGE:
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THAT SHOW
"NAKED AND AFRAID?"
WHY, WERE YOU ON THAT?
NO, NO, BUT IF YOU PLAY YOUR
CARDS RIGHT, I'LL MAKE YOU BOTH:
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, HELLO, ISIS, YEAH: I
CHANGED MY MIND:
I WILL JOIN:
[ LAUGHTER ]
I GOT TO BE HONEST WHEN I
FIRST SAW YOU TONIGHT: I THOUGHT
HELL: NO.
NOW I'M NOT THINKING: BECAUSE
I'M DRUNK:
OF ALL THE MEN IN HERE:
YOU'RE THE ONLY MAN IN HERE:
LET'S GO BACK TO MY PLACE AND DO
MISSIONARY:
THAT'S WHERE YOU TRY TO TEACH ME
ENGLISH UNTIL YOU GET FRUSTRATED
AND LEAVE THE COUNTRY:
I'D RATHER DO A REVERSE
COWGIRL:
THAT'S WHERE I PUT A COWBOY HAT
OVER YOUR FACE AND WALK YOU
BACKWARDS SO YOU FALL OUT THE
WINDOW:
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, OH, YOU'RE BAD, MAN.
U'RE BAD.
MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST GO FOR A
TEST DRIVE HERE IN THE SHOWROOM:
DEAR GOD:
[ LAUGHTER ]
MAKE ME A BIRD: SO I CAN FLY
FAR, FAR, FAR AWAY FROM HERE:
DEAR GOD:
HANG ON: DO YOU HAVE IN A
CERTS?
OH, NO, BUT I DO HAVE THE
NEXT BEST THING:
YOU KNOW, A LADY SPEED STICK:
[ AUDIENCE OOHS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOW YOU'RE FRESH AS A DAISY:
T'S THIS:
[ LAUGHTER ]
ALL RIGHT:
OH, WOW!
WO OKAY!
ARE YOU AS SOFT AS I AM DRY?
I'M ENGORGED:
YEAH:
LOOK: I THINK OUR LIPS MAY BE
GETTING IN THE WAY OF THE MAIN
ATTRACTION:
THE TONGUE:
I GOT AN IDEA:
LET'S TRY THESE THINGS I STOLE
FROM THE DENTIST?
OH, COOL, GREAT:
[ AUDIENCE OOHS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
READY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, ANFERNEE, DON'T LOOK:
IT'S GOING TO BE TOO TERRIBLE:
BUT, YET I MUST:
WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT CAN
HAPPEN?
NO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
> THANKS FOR A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY AT SNL: THANKS TO GOOSE: ALEC
BALDWIN: ALEX RODRIGEZ AND
HILARY KNIGHT:
THANK YOU:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪