♪ MR. PRESIDENT -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MR. PRESIDENT: ARE YOU SURE THAT
YOU DON'T WANT TO STAY AT THE
CHRISTMAS PARTY LONGER?
BECAUSE EVERYONE IS CELEBRATING
THE HUGE TAX BILL:
I GOT SO DRUNK I TOLD THE TRUTH:
SORRY, KELLYANNE:
I'M IN POUTY BABY MODE:
THIS FLYNN INVESTIGATION HAS
REALLY GOTTEN ME DOWN:
OH, COME ON: SIR, THIS TAX
BILL IS YOUR BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT
YET IN THAT IT IS YOUR ONLY
ACHIEVEMENT:
SORRY I'M NOT IN THE
CHRISTMAS SPIRIT:
THE ONLY THING THAT CHEERS ME UP
ARE THESE HILARIOUS MUSLIM
VIDEOS THAT I HAVE BEEN
RETWEETING:
LIKE SCROOGE SAYS: "BARF --
HAMBURG:"
YOU SHOULD GO AHEAD AND HAVE FUN
AT THE PARTY:
OKAY:
ANYTHING I CAN GET YOU BEFORE I
GO?
YES, ONE LITTLE THING: YOU
CAN WITHDRAW $5 MILLION DOLLARS
FROM MY BANK ACCOUNT AND PUT IT
IN A DUFFEL BAG WITH MY
PASSPORT: A FAKE MUSTACHE AND A
BUCKET OF CHICKEN:
NO PROBLEM, SIR, GOOD NIGHT:
THANK YOU, KELLYANNE:
THIS IS A TIMEE TO REFLECT
ON ALL THE GOOD I'VE DONE:
IT WILL ONLY TAKE A MINUTE:
BUT WAIT:
WHAT'S THAT?
DONALD J. TRUMP:
YOU COME TO GET ME?
I KNEW IT:
IT'S THE MUSLIM STUFF: RIGHT?
NO.
FOR CALLING MEXICANS RAPISTS?
NO.
BUT THE ROY MOORE STUFF?
NO.
DRAFT DODGING?
NO.
THE BIRTHER STUFF:
NO.
POCAHONTAS:
NO.
THE CENTRAL PARK -- WAIT:
MAKING FUN ON THE HANDICAP
REPORTER LIKE THIS:
NO.
I'M NOT HERE FOR ANY OF THAT:
WHO ARE YOU: JACOB MARLEY YOU
HAVE GOT A LOT OF CHAINS ON:
I'M MICHAEL FLYNN: THE GHOST
OF WITNESSES FLIPS:
MR. PRESIDENT: I CAME TO WARN
YOU IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO COME
CLEAN FOR THE GOOD OF THE
COUNTRY:
THE WHAT:
THE GOOD DOCTOR?
THE GOOD OF THE COUNTRY:
THE GOOD OF THE -- COME:
COME:
I'M SERIOUS: SIR.
THE FBI GOT TO ME:
BEFORE ALL THIS: I HAD A GREAT
LIFE, DONALD: I WAS AN HONORABLE
TWICE FIRED MILITARY MAN WHO
LOVED TO
TALK ABOUT HOW HILLARY CLINTON
HAD A CHILD SEX RING IN A PIZZA
SHOP:
OH, MIKE, YOU WERE MY MAN:
YOU LET THE "LOCK HER UP" CHEER
AT THE CONVENTION:
WHO KNEW YOU HAD SO MUCH IN YOUR
PAST:
IF ONLY SOMEBODY HAD WARNED ME
ABOUT YOU:
PRESIDENT OBAMA DID TELL YOU
NOT THE HIRE ME:
I MEANT SOMEONE AMERICAN:
MR. PRESIDENT THERE IS A LOT
OF PEOPLE FROM YOUR PAST THAT
CAN COME BACK TO HAUNT YOU BUT
TONIGHT YOU WILL BE VISITED BY
THREE OF THEM:
THERE'S THE FIRST ONE NOW:
BILLY BUSH!
UH-HUH.
YEP.
I'M HERE TO REMIND YOU OF THAT
ACCESS HOLLYWOOD TAPE: MAN.
CAN YOU BELIEVE I GOT FIRED JUST
FOR LISTENING TO YOU?
AND THEN YOU GOT ELECTED
PRESIDENT?
AND W YOU ARE SAYING THE TAPE
ISN'T EVEN REAL?
WHAT?
YOU WILL BE FINE: LLY.
I'M SURE YOU WILL WORK AGAIN:
WELL, I HOPE SO:
AND FRANKLY I'M LOOKING PRETTY
GOOD IN THE NBC NEWS DIVISION
RIGHT ABOUT NOW:
REMEMBER, DONALD: THESE THINGS
CATCH UP WITH ALL OF US:
IF YOU WORKED AT NBC YOU WOULD
BE FIRED, FIRED, FIRED:
AND OUT OF MONEY:
WAIT, COME BACK:
WHERE DID YOU GO:
DONALD: WHERE DID WHO GO?
MELANIA, I'M SORRY:
I WAS JUST WORKING:
COME DOWN TO THE PARTY:
YOU HAVE TO SEE MY DORATN:
IT IS A BEAUTIFUL FESTIVE
HALLWAY OF DEAD BRANCHES IN THE
MYSTERIOUS SHADOWS:
AND WHEN YOU
OPEN UP THE ELEVATORS: BLOOD
COME OUT:
SOUNDS WONDERFUL BUT I'M SO
TIRED:
BUT DALD NEED SOMEONE TO
PUT UP THE MANGER SCENE:
BECAUSE MIKE PENCE WAS GOING DO
IT BUT HIS WIFE DOESN'T WANT HIM
PLAYING WITH DOLLS:
SHE'S AFRAID IT WILL GIVE HIM
URGES:
MELANIA: I CAN'T.
BUT YOU GO: I'LL BE DOWN IN A
MINUTE:
OH, NO.
IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN:
MR. TRUMP:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
VLADIMIR:
YOU MUST BE MY PRESENT:
OF COURSE:
DONALD YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM ME:
I SEE AND HEAR EVERYTHING YOU
DO.
BECAUSE YOU ARE A GHOST?
YES, I'M GHOST: UH-HUH.
LISTEN: I PUT A LOT OF HARD WORK
INTO YOU: SO MUCH TIME AND
MONEY: AND YOU ARE ABOUT TO MESS
IT ALL UP:
YOU SEEM SO VOLATILE:
I'M SORRY: VLADIMIR BUT I
PROMISE I'LL BE MORE DOCUMENT
WITH NORTH KOREA AND THAT FAT
LITTLE PSYCHO WHOUNS IT:
TRUMP: YOU GOT TO CHILL OUT
BROSKI:
VLADIMIR: I HAVE ALWAYS
WANTED TO ASK YOU THIS QUESTION:
DO YOU THINK I'M COOL?
LOOK: I H GO.
SO THAT'S A YES?
YEAH, I JUST HAVE TO GO:
SOMEONE ELSE IS COMING:
THEY ARE COMING:
SEE MR. PRESIDENT: ANY ONE OF
THESE SPIRITS COULD BRING YOU
DOWN BUT THE SCARIEST ONE IS YET
TO COME:
OH, NO, IT APPROACHES:
MIKE I'M TOO SCARED TO LOOK:
OH, THANK GOIT'STEVE BANNON:
HERE TO SAVE THE DAY WITH YOUR
TERRIBLE WHITE MAGIC:
WAIT:
WHO ARE YOU?
HO, HO, HO, MERRY CHRISTMAS!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
'TIS I, HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON:
HO, HO.
YOU, DONALD: HAVE GIVEN ME THE
GREATEST GIFT OF ALL: SEXUAL
GRATIFICATION IN THE FORM OF
YOUR SLOW DEMISE:
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG I'VE
WANTED TO SAY THIS -- "LOCK HIM
UP!"
NO!
OH, DONALD: ARE YOU ALL
RIGHT?
OH, GOD, MELANIA I WAS SO
SCARED:
THESE SPIRITS:
THEY SHOWED ME THINGS:
I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO NOW:
I NEED TO ERASE SEASONS ONE
THROUGH 14 OF "THE APPRENTICE:"
FIRE ROBERT MUELLER, AND LIVE:
FR NEW YORK: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE!"
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪ Announcer: IT'S
"SATURNIGHT LIVE"!
WITH --
BECK BENNETT:
AIDY BRYANT:
MICHAEL CHE:
PETE DAVIDSON:
LESLIE JONES:
COLIN JOST:
KATE McKINNON:
KYLE MOONEY:
CECILY STRONG:
KENAN THOMPSON:
FEATURING --
MIKEY DAY:
HEIDI GARDNER:
ALEX MOFFAT:
LUKE NULL:
CHRIS REDD:
MELISSA VILLASENOR:
MUSICAL GUEST U2 --
AND YOUR HOST SAOIRSE RONAN --
♪
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --
SARSE NAN:
♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU:
THANK YOU SO MUCH:
IT IS SO GREAT TO BE HERE
HOSTING THE ST: PATRICK'S DAY
EPISODE OF "SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE:"
JUST A FEW MONTHS EARLY:
YES I AM VERY IRISH AND I HAVE
AN EXTREMELY IRISH NAME:
SOME WHO SAY TOO IRISH:
IT'S SAOIRSE:
IT MEANS FREEDOM:
BUT I'VE GOT TO A LITTLE
PROBLEM:
IT'S SPELLED -- WELL IT'S ILD
SPELLED WRONG:
IT IS A FULL TYPO:
S-A-O-I-R-S-E.
YOU CAN SEY PEOPLE HAVE A HARD
TIME:
IF IT WAS A WHEEL OF FORTUNE
PUZZLE, YOU COULDN'T AFFORD IT:
TOO MANY VOWELS:
GOD BLESS THEM: NO ONE HAS BEEN
ABLE TO PRONOUNCE MY NAME:
NOT EVEN CLOSE:
"HEY, SAOIRSE:"
HAVE A GREAT SHOW:
THANKS, LESLIE:
IT'S PRONOUNCED SAOIRSE:
SAOIRSE:
NO, IT'S SAOIRSE: LIKE
INERTIA:
I HAVE A COUSIN NAMED
INERTIA:
OH, YEAH: SEE WHAT I AN?
I MADE UP A LITTLE
TUNE I MADE UP TO HELP YOU
REMEMBER:
♪ ♪ IT'S SAOIRSE WI AN NOT CERSEI WITH R CAUSE
CERSEI WITH AN R GOES OR
NOT R ♪
♪ IT'S INSTEAD OF
O INSTEAD OF E
SIMPLE AS CAN BE
SEE SAOIRSE ♪
SEE, TOTALLY EASY:
SO EASY:
HEY GIRL:
OH, HEY KATE:
HAVE YOU COME TO SING MY SONG
WITH ME?
NO, HONEY: THE SONG IS NOT AS
HELPFUL
AS YOU THINK IT IS:
YOU MIGHT BE THE ONLY PERSON WHO
CAN PRONOUNCE THE NAME:
REALLY?
DO YOU WANT TO TRY IT WITH ME?
OH, LOVELY BONES: I CAN'T SAY
NO TO YOU.
LET'S GO.
♪ IT'S SAOIRSE WITH AN R
NOT CERSEI WITH R CAUSE
CERSEI WITH AN R GOES
NOT R ♪
♪ IT'S INSTEAD OF
O INSTEAD OF E
SIMPLE AS CAN BE
SEE SAOIRSE ♪
YOU REALLY GOT IT:
OF COURSE I DID: I'M FLUENT
IN NON-SENSE:
IT'S MY SIXTH SEASON:
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY
RACCOONS I'VE PLAYED?
HI GIRL:
OH, HEY.
YOU KNOW: I JUST WANTED YOU
TO KNOW THAT I CAN SAY YOUR NAME
BECAUSE I'M ALSO IRISH:
YEAH: IN THE SENSE THAT MY TEETH
ARE SUPER SOFT: AND I THINK
SELTZER IS SPICY AND I ALWAYS
LEAVE WITHOUT SAYING GOOD-BYE:
OH, OKAY, WELL, LET'S TRY IT:
♪
IT'S --
YEAH SHE'S' GONE:
SHE'S GONE:
SHE REALLY DID DO AN IRISH
GOOD-BYE THERE:
JUST SO YOU ALL UNDERSTAND: IT'S
NOT ACTUALLY AN IRISH TRADITION:
IT'S JUST QUITE RUDE:
HEY, SORE CHEESE:
IT'S ACTUALLY --
YEAH: PEOPLE MESS UP MY NAME
ALL THE TIME: TOO.
SO I MADE UP A SONG OF MY OWN:
♪ IT'S BECK WITH A B
ANBECK WITH AN E
AND BECK WITH A C
IT'S BECK ♪
THAT WAS LOVELY:
AND I DON'T THINK YOU SPELLED IT
QUITE RIGHT:
BUT WELL DONE:
HOW ABOUT WE ALL DO MY SONG ONE
MORE TIME, TOGETHER:
♪ IT'S SAOIRSE WITH AN R
NOT CERSEI WITH R CAUSE
BECK WITH A B:
CERSEI WITH AN R GOE
NOT R ♪
♪ IT'S INSTEAD OF
BECK WITH AN E:
O INSTEAD OF E
BECK WITH A C:
SIMPLE AS CAN BE
SEE SAOIRSE ♪
♪ SIMPLE AS CAN BE
IT'S INERTIA ♪
WE HAVE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR
YOU TONIGHT:
U2 IS HERE:
STICK AROUND:
AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK:
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
FROM THE CREATORS OF "JERSEY
SHORE," MTV'S HOT NEW SHOW:
"FLORIBAMA SHORE" BRINGS THE
PARTY TO THE GULF COAST:
THE COEDS ARE HOT:
THE PARTIES ARE JUMPING AND IT
WAS ALL FILMED IN THE MIDDLE OF
HURRICANE IRMA:
MY NAME IS KYLER AND I'M A
PIECE OF [ BLEEP ].
MY MAMA DIDN'T RAISE ME TO BE
AFRAID OF NO STORM:
SHE RAISED ME TO BE A FEARLESS
CHRISTIAN SEX ADDICT WITH GUM
DISEASES YOU AIN'T EVEN HEARD
OF, PLAYER:
SUP, YA'LL, MY NAME IS
PONTOON:
AND I USED
TO CARRY AROUND MY DAD'S ASHES
TIL LET GO OF THEM ON A
ROLLER COASTER:
MY NAME'S EPCOT:
I WAS BORN IN THE CHINESE PART
OF EPCOT CENTER:
MY FAVORITE FOOD IS GUM:
OKAY, WAIT A MINUTE: THERE IS
HURRICANE COMING:
WE NEED TO GO: Y'ALL.
WHAT'S UP, WIENERS!
MY NAME IS COURTNEY WITH A
COURT:
A PARTY IS BREWING DOWN
SOUTH: Y'ALL, AND THERE'S A 90%
CHANCE OF DRAMA:
HURRICANES FOR THE HURRICANE:
Y'ALL.
HURRICANE?
HER A BITCH:
YOU BEEN GETTING ON MY DAMN
NERVES EVER SINCE WE GOT TO THIS
HOUSE:
YOU CAN'T TALK TO ME LIKE
THAT:
WHAT ARE YOU GOING DO ABOUT
IT, CRY TO YOUR DADDY?
YOU DON'T KNOW MY DADDY:
YOU DON'T KNOW MY DADDY!
MY DAD'S HULK HOGAN!
♪
HOGAN SISTERS REUNITED:
HAVE YOU EVER MET HIM?
NO, I WANT TO THOUGH:
AT THIS POINT: SEEMS LIKE
EVERYBODY IN THE HOUSE IS
COUPLED UP:
TRISHA IS WITH KYLER:
EPCOT IS WITH KYLER:
AND COURTNEY I BELIEVE IS WITH
KYLER:
JUSTIN IS FREAKING OUT BECAUSE
HIS WIFE'S NOT ANSWENG THE
PHONE:
SARAH, CALL ME:
BUT I'M NOT WORRIED: YA'LL,
BECAUSE TRISH SAID SHE WOULD
BANG ME AFTER KYLER:
DESPITE EVERYTHING: THIS
HOUSE IS ALL ABOUT T LOVE:
GUYS: I THINK STAYING HERE
THROUGH THE HURRICANE WAS THE
BEST DECISION WE EVER MADE:
YEAH:
OTHERWISE I WOULD HAVE NEVER MET
MY LONG LOST SISTER:
OR FALLEN IN LOVE:
Y'ALL, THIS HURRICANE'S TAUGHT
ME SOMETHING IMPTANT:
WHEN YOU FIND SOMEONE YOU LOVE:
NEVER LET THEM GO:
TRISH: WILL YOU MARRY ME?
HELP ME!
JUST BREATHE MAN: JUST
BREATHE:
I NEVER HAD
PRE-MARITAL SEX:
"FLORIBAMA SHORE:"
WHY DO YOU MAKE US DO THIS?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
ACTION NEWS NOW: NEWS AT
5:00, EYE ON PHOENIX:
GOOD EVENING:
I'M JACK TRAP:
I'M BETH RUNION:
OUR TOP STORY: CHAOS AT THE
CANYON GALLERIA SHOPPING CENTER
TODAY AS AN UNDERGROUND GAS MAIN
EXPLODED GIVING SHOPPERS QUITE A
SCARE:
AT THE AMERICAN GIRL STORE:
LUCKILY NO ONE WAS SERIOUSLY
HURT:
ACTION 9'S BEN HARTLY IS LIVE
AT THE CANYON GALLERIA: IN
DOWNTOWN PHOENIX:
BEN, QUITE A SCENE DOWN THERE
TODAY:
Reporter: YOU CAN SAY THAT
AGAIN JACK:
I'M JOINED BY DEBBIE PRECHARD:
AND THOMAS DEAN:
TWO CUSTOMERS WHO WERE INSIDE
THE AMERICAN GIRL STORE WHEN THE
EXPLOSION HAPPENED:
MY FIRST QUESTION OBVIOUSLY: ARE
YOUR CHILDREN OKAY?
YES, MY DAUGHTER IS FINE:
SHE'S IN THE CAR WITH HER DAD:
Reporter: AND YOU MR: DEAN?
OH, I DON'T HAVE CHILDREN:
I HAD JUST BRIEFLY POPPED INTO
AMERICAN GIRL STORE TO BUY A
DOLL FOR SOMEONE ELSE:
IT WAS NOT FOR ME:
IT WAS A GIFT:
Reporter: OKAY:
NOW WAS THERE ANY WARNING?
WHAT HAPPENED RIGHT BEFORE THE
EXPLOSION?
WHAT HAPPENED?
I WAS IN LINE BEHIND MR: DEAN
WHO WAS BUYING HIS DOLL:
S A FT.
AND HE WAS ARGUING WITH THE
SALESPERSON SAYING HIS DOLL'S
HAIR STYLE LOOKED SLOPPY AND NOT
OF THE PERIOD:
YEAH: AND THEN THE EXPLOSION
HAPPENED, JUST LIKE A BOOM:
YES, EXACTLY, AND ACTUALLY: I
NEED TO THANK MR. DEAN: BECAUSE
MY LOST THOUGHT BEFORE THE
EXPLOSION WAS THIS GROWN MAN IS
ALL ALONE IN A DOLL STORE AND
HE'S SCREAMING ABOUT HIS DOLL'S
HAIR STYLE:
I BARELY RAISED MY VOICE:
WASN'T SCREAMING:
AND I THOUGHT THAT'S REALLY
WEIRD:
YEAH: NOT IF IT'S A GIFT
THOUGH:
NOT IF IT'S A GIFT:
AND I SORT OF -- I
INSTINCTIVELY HUGGED MY DAHTER
CLOSER TO ME TO PROTECT HER:
AND THAT ACTUALLY SAVED HER FROM
SOME FALLING GLASS:
Reporter: WOW, WOW.
WELL THANK GOD YOU WERE OBSESSED
WITH YOUR DOLL'S HAIR STYLE:
IWAS MORE THAT IT WAS
MESSY:
UPPER CLASS GIRLS IN THE 1920S
WERE ALWAYS VERY PUT TOGETHER:
SO I'M TOLD:
IT WAS A GIFT:
IT WAS SO CHAOTIC:
Reporter: YEAH, YEAH: I BET.
JACK AND BETH: CAN YOU BELIEVE
WHAT YOU ARE HEARING?
NO.
I MEAN: IT'S DEFINITELY HIS
DOLL: RIGHT?
YES.
WE ARE JOINED NOW VIA SATELLITE
BY A REPRESENTATIVE OF CANYON
ROCK GAS, KAREN KELLER:
THANKS FOR SPEAKING WITH US:
MS. KELLER:
MY PLEASURE:
NOW, SHOULD RESIDENTS BE
CONCERNED BY THIS?
THERE'S NO REASON TO PANI
JUST BECAUSE A GROWN MAN
COLLECTS DOLLS: IT DOESN'T MEAN
HE'S A PREDATOR:
I'M SORRY: MS. KELLER -- I'M
SORRY IF I WASN'T CLEAR:
I WAS REFERRING TO THE GAS MAIN
EXPLOSION:
OH, YES, THAT'S VERY BAD:
WELL, THANK YOU, MS. KELLER:
LET'S CHECK BACK IN WITH BEN
DOWN AT THE SCENE:
BEN?
Reporter: YEAH, JACK, BETH:
I'M HERE WITH ANOTHER
EYEWITNESS, MS. BECCA SIMS: AN
EMPLOYEE AT THE AMERICAN GIRL
STORE:
CAN YOU TELL US WHAT HAPPENED?
YES, I WORK IN THE CAFE WHERE
DOLL OWNERS CAN EAT WITH THEIR
DOLLS:
AND I WAS SETTING UP A TABLE FOR
THE GENTLEMAN YOU WERE SPEAKING
WITH EARLIER, MR. DEAN: AND HIS
DOLL, KIRSTEN:
THAT WASN'T ME, THAT WAS
SOMEONE ELSE:
NO, IT WAS HIM:
HE HANDED ME A $20 BILL AND SAID
GET US A TABLE WITH A VIEW:
KIRSTEN'S NEW MONEY: NOT TROLLEY
TRASH:
THEN THE EXPLOSION HAPPENED:
JUST LIKE A BOOCHLT DO YOU
REMEMBER THE EXPLION:
CAN YOU EXPLAIN THAT:
IT WAS JUST A BOOM OUT OF
NOWHERE:
Reporter: NO, I MEAN: THE
PHRASE "TROLLEY TRASH:"
OH, I DON'T EVEN KNOW:
IN THE 1920S LOWER CLASS
PROSTITUTES WOULD OFTEN LOOK FOR
CUSTOMERS ON TROLLEY CARTS:
SO, I'M TOLD:
IT'S A GIFT:
OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS CRAZY:
Reporter: OKAY, BETH, JACK: I
SEE AN EMERGENCY SERVICE WORKER
HERE:
SIR, CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT THE
SITUATION INSIDE THE STORE?
SURE:
WELL: LUCKILY WE HAVE NO
INJURIES EXCEPT FOR THIS LITTLE
LADY WE FOUND ON THE GROUND:
SHE'S GOING TO BE ON TV: SHE
MIGHT AS WELL HAVE A HAT:
IT'S A GIFT:
OKAY:
WELL: THE -- STRUCTURAL DAMAGE
IS EXTENSI: ANRIGHT NOW IT
LOOKS LIKE THE AMERICAN GIRL
STORE IS GOING TO BE CLOSED FOR
AT LEAST EIGHT MONTHS:
DOES THAT INCLUDE THE SALON
ON THE SECOND FLOOR?
THE WHOLE BUILDING:
OOH.
Reporter: WELL THANKS FOR
TAING WITH US:
JACK, BETH: BACK TO YOU IN THE
STUDIO:
WELL: QUITE AN ORDEAL FOR
THOSE CUSTOMERS DOWN THERE:
HE WILL BE FINE:
THERE'S ANOTHER AMERICAN GIRL
STORE IN TEMPE:
JACK --
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK:
[ CHRS AND ALAUSE ]
HEY THERE, BOYS: WE KNOW THE LAST COUPLE MONTHS HAVE BEEN FRIGGIN' INSANE:
ALL THESE BIG, COOL: POWERFUL
GUYS ARE TURNING OUT TO BE --
WHAT'S THE WORD?
HABITUAL PREDATORS?
CAT'S OUT OF THE BAG:
WOMEN GET HARASSED ALL THEIME:
IT'S LIKE, DANG: IS THIS THE
WORLD NOW?
BUT HERE'S A LITTLE SECRET THAT
EVERY GIRL KNOWS:
OH, THIS BENDS THE DAMN WORLD:
♪ IT'S FREAKY AND NARCY
AND FUN UNDER THE JET SET
BUT THIS IS OUR HOME NOW
WE'LL SHOW YOU AROUND ♪
♪ WELCOME TO HELL
NOW WE'RE ALL IN HERE
LOOK AROUND ISN'T IT NICE
IT'S A FULL NIGHTMARE ♪
♪ AIN'T IT SO COOL
PLAYING THIS GUESS WHO
YEAH IT'S A LOT
BUT IT'S WHAT WE GOT ♪
♪ WELCOME TO HELL
HEY ♪
♪
OH, AND THIS AIN'T A GIRL GROUP:
WE JUST TRAVEL IN A PACK FOR
SAFETY:
'S HOW I WALK HOME AT NIGHT:
DAD GAVE ME A PINK GUN:
SO THERE'S A LOT THERE:
MY LITTLE TRUTH:
IF SOMEONE IS FOLLOWING ME I PUT
MY ARM UP LIKE THIS: AND I GO
AWWW:
THEN HE'LL BE LIKE: SHE'S NOT
WORTH THE TROUBLE:
♪ WELCOME TO HELL
NOW YOU'RE IN OUR BOAT
LOOK AT THAT GUY ♪
♪ WHAT IS HE UP TO
IN THAT TRENCH COAT
IT'S LIKE A MAZE HERE
ALL FULL OF BONERS ♪
♪ HEY WHAT WAS THAT
JUST A CAT
WAIT WHO OWNS THE CAT
COULD BE A TRAP ♪
♪ WELCOME TO HELL
HEY ♪
♪
I GUESS IT BEGS THE QUESTION:
WHOA: WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY
SOMETHING BABY: GIRL?
WELL: THANKS DEVIL DADD
WE DEFINITELY DID: FOR HUNDREDS
OF YEARS:
OH, MAN.
BECAUSE NO ONE REALLY CARED:
BECAUSE IT KEPT HAPPENING
AGAIN:
WHAT?
AND AGAIN:
REALLY?
AND AGAIN:
OH, COME ON:
HEY, JUST WANTED TO SAY: I
THINK WHAT YOU GUYS ARE DOING IS
REALLY COOL:
I GET IT:
BUT YOU DO KNOW THAT IT'S LIKE A
MILLION TIMES WORSE FOR A WOMAN
OF COLOR: RIGHT?
OH, GOD, YES.
THANK YOU FOR SAYING THAT:
YES.
THANK YOU:
WELL: LET'S GET BACK INTO
THIS:
♪ NOW HOUSE OF CARDS
IS RUINED
AND THAT REALLY SUCKS ♪
♪ WELL HERE'S A LIST
OF STUFF
THAT'S RUINED FOR US ♪
♪ PARKING AND WALKING
AND UBER AND PONY TAIL
BATH ROBES AND NIGHT TIM♪
♪ AND DRINKING IN
HOTELS AND MEN
NOTHING GOO HAPPENSN A
VAN.
WELCOME TO HELL ♪
♪ WELCOME TO HELL
THIS ISN'T NEW
NO NO NO NOT NEW ♪
♪ OUR SITUATION
HAS BEEN HERE
SINCE WE GOT BOOBS ♪
♪ I GOT SOME BOOBS
THAT'S WHY YOUR MAMA
IS ALWAYS SO TIRED ♪
♪ GRAB ALL YOUR FRIENDS
MACE IN HER HANDS
WELCOME TO HELL ♪
YEAH, IT AIN'T FAIR: BUT
♪ SO PULL UP A CHAIR
WELCOME TO HELL
HEY ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NEXT WEEK: JAMES FRANCO WITH
MUSICA
> I'M SORR MAN: BUT WE
CANNOT ACCEPT ANY RETURNS OR
EXCHANGES WITHOUT A RECEIPT:
KMART STORE POLICY: MAN.
MAN, THAT'S SUCH BULL CRAP:
I'M SHOPPING AT WALMART F NOW
ON.
THAT'S A BETTER MART:
YOU ARE FREE TO DO:
THAT NEXT IN LINE TO RETURN OR
EXCHANGE:
I'D LIKE RETN THESE
MAGNUM CONDOMS: GUYS LIKE ME
NEED BIGGER CONDOMS:
DO YOU SELL A BIGGER SIZE?
I DON'T THINK SO: MAN.
DANG: SO THE BIGGEST CONDOMS
YOU SELL ARE TOO SMALL FOR ME?
I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO GO ONLINE
TO A BLACK GUY WEBSITE AND SEE
IF I CAN FIND SOME THERE:
YEAH, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT:
NEXT:
WELL: I HOPE THAT YOU HAVE
HAD A GOOD LAUGH:
YOU PEOPLE HAVE SOLD ME A
WOMAN' HAND MUFF:
NOW THAT YOU HAVE HAD YOUR FUN:
KINDLY POINTE WARDS THE
MEN'S MUSK SECTION, PLEASE:
YEAH: I DON'T THINK WE HAVE
THOSE: SIR.
OH, SO YOU ARE ALL SOLD OUT:
PERFECT:
HELLO:
THESE DIAPERS LEAK: NOT TO
MENTION MY BABY LOOKS RIDICULOUS
IN THEM:
MA'AM, THESE ARE ADULT
DIAPERS:
WHAT THE HELL KIND OF ADULT
MAKES DOOKY IN HIS PANTS?
WHEN SOME PEOPLE GET OLDER
IT JUST HAPPENS:
EITHER WAY I CAN GIVE YOU SOME
STORE CREDIT:
NEXT PLEASE:
HI.
I BOUGHT MY BOYFRIEND THIS MEN'S
COLOGNE: BECAUSE I THOUGHT HE
WAS A MAN:
BUT HE'S ACTUALLY A BITCH ON THE
RAG SO I'D LIKE TO EXCHANGE IT
FOR THESE TAMPONS:
ALL RIGHT:
BABE: WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS
RIGHT NOW?
BECAUSE A MAN PROTECTS HIS
WOMAN:
A DRUNK GUY SPILLED A DRINK
ON YOUR SHOE:
I AM NOT GOING TO KICK HIS ASS
FOR THAT:
RIGHT: BECAUSE YOUR LITTLE
GIRL WHO NEEDS HER TAMPONS:
OKAY:
YOU ARE ALL SET:
THANK YOU:
I'M LEAVING:
DON'T FOLLOW ME:
ARE YOU COMING?
YES.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO:
NEXT:
HELLO: MA'AM.
HELLO:
I WILL NOT GO INTO DETAIL: BUT
LET'S JUST SAY THAT
THIS BIRD SEED DID NOT AGREE
WITH MY PARROT'S STOMACH:
YES, I CAN SEE THAT:
I CAN GIVE YOU A STORE VOUCHER:
OKAY, WONDERFUL:
AND CAN YOU ALSO POINT ME TO THE
WOMEN'S SHIRTS: AND ALSO CARPETS
AND UNFORTUNATELY, MOUTH WASH:
OH, THEY'RE ALL ON THE
STORE: MA'AM.
THANK YOU:
OKAY -- NO: MA'AM.
NOT YOU:
A CUSTOMER DENIED HER RIGHTS:
MA'AM.
OKAY: WHAT?
CAN I TALK?
CAN I TALK:
SOLD ME THIS -- IT SAYS "SAY
GOOD-BYE TO FAME:" RIGHT?
LOOK AT MY DIRTY KIDS:
SAME, SAME, SAME:
IT COST ME $100.
IT D NOT, IT DID NOT COST
$100.
HE CALLED ME A LIAR:
SAY IT AGAIN:
THAT'S RACIAL DISCRIMINATION:
MISS, YOU ARE WHITE:
YOU DON'T KNOW THAT:
YOU'RE GOING VIRAL:
I'M NOT.
NEXT:
YOU KNOW: THESE PREGNANCY
TESTS DON'T WORK: MAN.
ALL RHT:
DID YOU READ THE INSTRUCTIONS?
DUDE: YES.
I'M NOT STUPID:
I READ IT AND THEN, YOU KNOW: I
TOOK IT OUT AND I PEED ON IT:
WAIT, YOU -- NO YOU: PEED ON
IT, MAN?
SHE GOT TO PEE ON IT: MAN.
I FRIGGIN' TOLD YOU: YOU
FRIGGIN' IDIOT:
NOW WE'LL NEVER KNOW:
SHE PREGNANT:
ETHEL, YOU ARE NEXT:
THESE DUNGRIES THAT I BOUGHT
ARE TOO BAGGY:
I LOOK LIKE AN URBAN IN THEM:
ALL RIGHT:
CAN YOU COME UP A LITTLE CLOSER:
ETHYL:
YOU ARE THE BOSS:
ETHYL:
ETHYL, YOU DID IT AGAIN:
WATCH, WATCH:
HE JUST KILLED THAT OLD LADY:
DID YOU SEE THAT?
YOU GOING VIRAL:
NO, MA'AM.
YOU GOING VIRAL:
MARRIAGES MA'AM!
MARRIAGES M!
!
♪ EIGHT SECONDS FLAT: EVEN BETTER THAN LAST WEEK:
WOW, I DIDN'T THINK I CAN GET
ANY FASTER:
OH, I SEE YOU FINALLY MADE TO
WORK, EVANS:
WHAT HAPPENED?
DID YOU WALK HERE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
REAL FUNNY: IAN.
HEY, ARE YOU OKAY?
YEAH, I'M FINE:
GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE:
GOOD MORNING:
AS YOU ALL OW IIS A BIG
WEEK FOR US SO I PRINTED OUT
SOME COPIES OF -- OH: NO, I LEFT
THEM DOWN THE HALL:
♪
WOW.
OKAY:
WELL: EVERYONE TAKE A GOOD LOOK
AT THESE AND -- KEEP IT UP IAN:
THAT WAS FAST:
THANK YOU:
I HATE HIM:
SO HE'S FT.
BIG DEAL:
YOU DON'T GET IT:
WHEN YOU CAN RUN LIKE THAT YOU
HAVE GOT IT ALL, MONEY: ALL OF
THOSE:
WHY DON'T YOU RACE HIM:
I HAVEN'T RUN FOR YEARS:
YOU USED TO RUN AROUND THE
OFFICE ALL THE TIME:
♪
YEAH, BUT THEN THIS HAPPENED:
YOU MADE A COMPLETE FOOL OUT
OF YOURSELF ONCE:
WHO IS TO SAY YOU CAN'T RUN FAST
AGAIN:
AND RISK GETTING ANOTHER HOLE
IN MY PANTS?
I'D RATHER [ BLEEP ] KILL
MYSELF:
I AM GOING TO NEED MEONE TO
RUN DOWN THE HALL AND PICK UP
THE SIGNED DOCUMENTS TOMORROW:
EVAN WILL DO IT:
WHAT?
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
EVANS?
HUH.
WELL, I'LL I YOU GUYDECIDE:
WELL, WELL, WELL: WHAT HAVE
YOU GOTTEN YOURSELF INTO: EVAN?
WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE IT TO
SOMEBODY WHO ISN'T SLOW:
OKAY: DO YOU WANT TO GET THE
SIGNED DOCUMENTS?
WHY DON'T WE RACE FOR IT?
WINNER GETS -- THE SIGNED
DOCUMENT:
ALL RIGHT EVANS:
AFTER HOURS, RECEPTION:
BE THERE:
THAT IS IF YOU ARE NOT TOO BUSY
BEING SLOW:
♪
WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF
INTO?
LISTEN:
I'LL TRAIN YOU:
WHAT?
I USED TO RUN FAST: TOO.
WELL, BEFORE THIS HAPPENED:
OH.
I UNDERSTAND IF YOU DON'T
WANT MY HELP:
WAIT, LINDSEY:
OR SHOULD I SAY COACH?
FASTER:
I THINK MY WORK HERE IS DONE:
GOOD LUCK:
READY?
♪
SHE WAS A GHOST: ALL RIGHT EVERYBODY: LET'S
JUMP RIGHT IN:
AS YOULL KNOW: LINDSEY TURNED
OUT TO BE A GHOST:
THAT'S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE:
THERE IS SOMETHING I NEED TO
TELL YOU:
EVANS IS GOING TO PICK UP THE
SIGNED DOCUMENTS FROM DOWN THE
HALL:
HE'S THEASTEST MAN FOR THE
JOB.
OH, NO NEED:
I CAME IN A LITTLE EARLY AND I
GOT THEM MYSELF:
OKAY:
NO PROBLEM:
I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT WE
DO HERE BUT LET'S GET TO WORK:
> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: U2.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪ BLESSED ARE THE ARROGANT FORS
THIS THE KINGDOM OF THEIR OWN
COMPANY:
BLESSED ARE THE SUPERSTARS
BLESSED ARE THE FILTHY
RICH FOR YOU CAN ONLY
TRULY OWN WHAT YOU GIVE♪
♪ AWAY LIKE YOUR PAIN
BLESSED ARE THE BULLIES
FOR ONE DAY THEY WILL
HAVE TO STAND UP TO
THEMSELVES STAND UP♪
♪ BLESSED ARE THE LIARS
FOR THE TRUTH CAN BE
AWKWARD ♪
♪
♪ IT'S NOT A PLACE
THIS COUNTRY IS TO ME A
SOUND OF DRUM AND BASS ♪
♪ YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES TO
LOOK AROUND LOOK AROUND
LOOK AROUND
LOOK AROUND IT'S A SOUND
LOOK AROUND LOOK AROUND ♪
♪ IT'S A SOUND
IT'S NOT A PLACE
THIS COUNTRY IS TO ME A
THOUGHT THAT OFFERS
GRACE FOR EVERY WELCOME♪
♪ THAT IS SOUGHT
YOU ARE ROCK AND ROLL
YOU AND I ARE ROCK
AND ROLL
YOU ARE ROCK AND ROLL♪
♪ CAME HERE LOOKING FOR
AMERICAN SOUL
IT'S NOT A PLACE THIS
IS A DREAM THE
WHOLE WORL
♪ OWNS THE PILGRIM'S FACE
SHE HAD YOUR HEART TO
CALL HER HOME
SO EVERY MOTHER'S♪
♪ WEEPIN' DREAM ON BROTHER
JOHN IN YOUR DREAMS YOU
GET ME SLEEPIN'
YOU ARE ROCK AND ROLL
YOU AND I ARE ROCK AND♪
♪ ROLL YOU ARE ROCK AND
ROLL CAME HERE LOOKIN'
FOR AMERICAN SOUL ♪
♪ AMERICAN AMERICAN ♪
♪
♪ PUT YOUR HAND IN THE AIR
HOLD IN THE SKY ♪
♪ THERE'S A MOMENT IN A
LIFE WHERE A SOUL CAN
DIE ♪
♪ PERSON IN A COUNTRY WHEN
YOU BELIEVE THE LIE A
THERE'S A PROMISE AT
THE HEART FOR ♪
♪ EVERY GOOD DREAM
IT'S A CALL TO
ACTION NOT A FANTASY
THE END OF A DREAM ♪
♪ THE START OF WHAT'S REAL
LET 'EM BE IN UNITY LET
'EM BE COMMUNITY ♪
♪ FOR REFUGEES LIKE YOU
ME A COUNTRY TO RECEIVE ♪
♪ WILL YOU BE MY SANCTUARY
SCUE JESUS ♪
♪
♪ YOU ARE ROCK AND ROLL
YOU AND I ARE ROCK AND ROLL
YOU ARE ROCK AND ROLL ♪
♪ CAME HERE LOOKING
FOR AMERICAN SOUL
AMERICAN SOUL ♪
♪
♪ YOU ARE ROCK AND ROLL
YOU AND I ARE ROCK
AND ROLL ♪
♪ YOU ARE ROCK AND ROLL
CAME HERE LOOKING FOR
AMERICAN SOUL ♪
♪ AMERICAN SOUL AMERICAN SOUL ♪
[ AND APPLAUSE ]
♪ > IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST, AND MICHAEL CHE:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH:
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE:
WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE"
I'M MICHAEL CHE:
I'M COLIN JOST:
WELL: THE GOOD NEWS FOR
PRESIDENT TRUMP IS THAT HIS TAX
PLAN JUST PASSED THE SENATE:
THE BAD NEWS IS HE MIGHT NOT BE
PRESIDENT LONG ENOUGH TO SIGN
IT.
FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY
ADVISER MICHAEL FLYNN PLED
GUILTY TO CHARGES THAT HE LIED
TO THE FBI DURING THEIR
INVESTIGATION OF TRUMP'S TIES TO
RUSSIA:
OR AS FOX NEWS REPORTED IT: DID
HILLARY CLINTON SECRETLY JOIN
ISIS?
YOU KNOW: THESE DAYS I HAVE TO
SAY IT'S JUST REFRESHING TO SEE
A POWERFUL MAN PLEAD GUILTY FO
SOMETHING THAT ISN'T SEXUAL
HARASSMENT:
WHEN I HEARD FLYNN WAS IN
TROUBLE I WAS LIKE, WAIT: HE
ONLY LIED TO THE FBI?
HE DIDN'T ALSO WHIP IT OUT
DURING A MEETING?
WHAT A SOLID GUY:
PRESIDENT TRUMP KNEW WE HAD A
SHOW TONIGHT SO HE WAS KIND
ENOUGH TO GO ON TWITTER AND DO
HALF OF OUR JOB FOR US:
HE SAID: "I
HAD TO FIRE GENERAL FLYNN
BECAUSE HE LIED TO THE VICE
PRESIDENT AND THE FBI:"
OH, THANKS MAN: I GOT IT FROM
HERE:
SO YOU KNEW FLYNN LIED AND THEN
ASKED COMEY TO STOP HIS
INVESTIGATION?
THAT'S OBSTRUCTION:
WHO'S YOUR LAWYER?
OH, RIGHT, THE OATMEAL GUY:
YOU KNOW: THE SAD THING IS AS
BAD AS THIS LOOKS: THIS IS STILL
DONALD TRUMP WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT:
AND I'VE HEARD PEOPLE SAY: "OH,
THERE'S NO WAY TRUMP WALKS FROM
THIS ONE" AT LEAST 38 TIMES
ALREADY:
BUT THAT SLIPPERY BASTARD IS
SOMEHOW STILL THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES:
WHAT ELSE DOES THE FBI NEED?
THEY HAVE LIKE A 95% CONVICTION
RATE, A HIGH-RANKING SNITCH: AND
A VOLUNTEERED CONFESSION ON
TWITTER:
SO IF DONALD TRUMP ISN'T IN
PRISON BRAIDING SOME BLACK
DUDE'S HAIR, THEN DAMN IT: I
WANT THE OATMEAL GUY AS MY
LAWYER: TOO.
[ APPLAUSE ]
AFTER NEWS OF FLYNN'S PLEA
BROKE: FORMER FBI JAMES COMEY
TWEETED A BIBLICAL VERSE SAYING:
"BUT LET JUSTICE ROLL DOWN LIKE
WATERS AND RIGHTEOUSNESS LIKE AN
EVER-FLOWING STREAM:"
IT'S A POWERFUL REMINDER THAT:
NO MATTER WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT
JAMES COMEY: WE CAN ALL AGREE
HE'S A HUMONGOUS DORK:
ALSO HIS U OF THE PHRASE
"EVER-FLOWING STREAM" MAKES ME
THINK HE HAS SEEN THE RUSSIAN
PY PEE TAPE:
THE SENATE VOTED TO PASS THE
$1.5 TRILLION TAX REFORM BILL AT
2:00 THIS MORNING THAT EXPERTS
SAY WOULD ADD OVER $1 TRILLION
TO THE NATIONAL DEBT:
WOW, I KNEW TRUMP WAS GOING TO
RUN THE COUNTRY LIKE A BUSINESS:
I JUST DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS GOING
TO RUN IT LIKE ONE OF HIS
BUSINESSES:
IT'S ALSO ESTIMATED THAT THE
PLAN WILL GIVE HUGE TAX CUTS T
HOUSEHOLDS MAKING OVER $1
MILLION A YEAR:
OF COURSE: ALL OF THAT MONEY
WILL EVENTUALLY TRICKLE DOWN:
FIRST FROM RICH PARENTS TO THEIR
KIDS: AND THEN FROM THOSE KIDS
TO THEIR MOLLY DEALERS AT
COACHELLA:
ONCE THE REPUBLICANS GET
THIS TAX BILL PASSED THEY WON'T
NEED HIM ANYMORE:
THEY'VE GOTTEN WHAT THEY WANTED:
IT'S NOT LIKE THEY LIKE YOU:
YOU DON'T THINK IT'S A LITTLE
WEIRD THAT THEY PASSED THIS BILL
AT 2:00 A.M. WITHOUT EVEN
READING IT THE SAME NIGHT THEY
FOUND OUT FLYNN WAS ROLLING ON
THEM?
I MEAN: IT'S LIKE YOUR FAMILY
WOKE YOU UP AT 2:00 A.M. SAYING:
"WE NEED YOU TO SIGN THIS WILL
TONIGHT:"
"CAN I READ IT FIRST?"
"NO TIME:"
PRESIDENT TRUMP ALSO HINTE
IN A TWEET THIS WEEK THAT MSNBC
ANCHOR JOE SCARBROUGH SHOULD BE
INVESTIGATED FOR AN UNSOLVED
MURDER:
CAN WE JUST TAKE A SECOND TO
APPRECIATE THAT THAT STORY
BARELY EVEN REGISTERED AS NEWS?
AT ANY OTHER TIME IN HISTORY:
THE PRESIDENT "PRESIDENT OPENLY
ACCUSES MAN OF MURDER" WOULD
PROBABLY MAKE THE FRONT PAGE:
NOW IT'S JUST PART OF THE WHACKY
NEWS CORNER RIGHT NEXT TO"LOCAL
SQUIRREL LEARNS KARATE" AND
NORTH KOREA CAN NOW NUKE ALL OF
U.S.
YOUTUBE HAS REMOVED MORE THAN
150,000 VIDEOS DUE TO DISTURBING
CONTENT INVOLVING CHILDREN:
BUT IF YOU STILL WANT TO WATCH
DISTURBING CONTENT INVOLVING
CHILDREN THERE IS ALWAYS THE
ALABAMA SENATE RACE:
OH, YEAH:
TRUMP CRITICIZED ROY MOORE'S
DECRATIC OPPONENT DOUG JONES
AS A "CHUCK SCHUMER PUPPET:"
BUT CLEARLY HE'S NOT A CHUCK
SCHUMER PUPPET:
STATLER FROM THE MUPPETS --
THAT'S A CHUCK SCHUMER PUPPET:
THE BRITISH PARLIAMENT
ERUPTED IN ANGER AFTER PRESIDENT
TRUMP RETWEETED ANTI-MUSLIM
VIDEOS FROM A BRITISH HATE
GROUP:
HERE TO RESPOND IS BRITISH PRIME
MINISTER, THERESA MAY:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HELLO, COLIN:
IT'S LOVELY TO BE HERE:
THE UNITED KINGDOM SENDS ITS
APPRECIATION FOR THE SPECIAL
FRIENDSHIP THAT WE SHARE:
REALLY?
BECAUSE THINGS SEEM TO BE A
LITTLE TENSE RIGHT NOW BETWEEN
YOU AND PRESIDENT TRUMP:
UH-HUH, BUT YOU KNOW THE
BRITS, STIFF UPPER LIP:
WHEN WE ARE DEALING WITH TRUMP:
IT'S MORE AKIN TO STIFF UPPER
LIP, LOWER LIP, STIFF ARMS:
LEGS: AND YOU A PRETTY MUCH
PLAYING DEAD:
BUT THE BRITISH PEOPLE KNOW I
CAN GIVE IT AS GOOD AS I GET IT:
I'M NOT AFRAID OF A LITTLE
SOCIAL MEDIA FIST TO CUFFS:
YEAH: YOU AND PRESIDENT
TRUMP:SAW, REALLY GOT INTO IT
ON TWITTER:
YES, AND I'VE NEVER FELT MORE
ALIVE:
I SAW THOSE DREADFUL MUSLIM
RETWEETS AND I PUT THAT MAN ON
BLAST:
LISTEN TO THIS EPIC TAKEDOWN:
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
"IT IS WRONG FOR THE PRESIDENT
TO HAVE DONE THIS:"
[ LAUGHTER ]
SAVAGE:
FLAME EMOJI:
I'M PRACTICALLY A TROLL NOW:
RIGHT:
YEAH: AND THEN TRUMP RESPONDED
TO YOUR STATEMENT WITH A TWEET
TELLING YOU TO BACK OFF:
YES, BUT THE BITCH TAGGED THE
WRONG THERESA MAY:
TH'S INTERNET 101, BABY:
IT'S THRILLING TO ENGAGE IN A
FLAME WAR: TO DUNK ON THE
THIRSTY BITCH:
OH, IT'S ELECTRIC:
I'M HARD:
I'M ACTUALLY HARD:
WOW, I GOTTA SAY: YOU SOUND
LIKE A WHOLE NEW THERESA MAY:
MM-HMM, YES, I'M ON A ROLL
NOW.
WHO ELSE WANTS TO GO A FEW
ROUNDS WITH THERESA MAYWEATHER?
KIM JONG-UN?
TAKE THIS TWEET:
MR. KIM JONG-UN, GOOD SIR: DO
GROW UP:
#PLEASE:"
PRETTY GOOD:
TALK ABOUT GETTING OWNED:
AND VLADIMIR PUTIN:
JUST THIS:
THE SIDE EYE EMOJI:
HE KNOWS WHAT IT MEANS:
IT'S CALLED SHADE, COLIN:
HE WILL BE FREAKING: I ASSURE
YOU.
AND THEN I'LL FOLLOW IT UP WITH
A VERY THREATENING EGG PLANT:
PRIME MINISTER: DO YOU KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS?
YES.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES:
YOU HEAR THAT?
HOW YOU LIKE US NOW?
BRITAIN IS BACK, BABY:
THERESA MAY BE STRONG: AND
BELOVED BY ALL:
I'M GOINGULL UMP:
AND EVEN MY OWN PEOPLE AREN'T
SAFE:
LOOK AT THIS THREAD I WROTE ON
PRINCE HARRY:
"CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR
UPCOMING NUPTIALS:
BUT CHECK IT -- SHE OUT YOUR
LEAGUE:
YOU LOOK LIKE ED SHEERAN: MINUS
THE ABILITIES:
NEVERTHELESS, WOULD BANG:"
THERESA MAY, EVERYONE:
[ APPLAUSE ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE NEW YORK GIANTS ANNOUNCED
THAT THEY WERE BENCHING
ELI MANNING FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN 13 YEARS:
I KNOW: SO IF YOU SEE
ELI MANNING LOOKING SAD --
THAT'S JUST HOW HE ALWAYS LOOKS:
A NEW SURVEY FINDS THAT FOUR
OUT OF FIVE AMERICANS BELIEVE
THAT SEXUAL HARASSMENT IS TAKING
PLACE IN THE WORKPLACE:
WHILE ONE OUT OF FIVE COULDN'T
RESPOND BECAUSE THEIR BOSS'S
PENIS WAS BLOCKING THE KEYBOARD:
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, AND I ALMOST FORGOT:
HERE'S THIS WEEK'S BATCH OF
PREDATORS:
JUST A WHOLE NEW SEGMENT OF THE
NEWS NOW:
JUST READ THE NAMES EVERY WEEK
LIKE POWER BALL NUMBERS:
ON WEDNESDAY: THE ROCKEFELLER
CENTER CHRISTMAS TREE WAS LIT:
AND SO WAS ANN CURRY:
[ APPLAUSE ]
ACCORDING TO NEW ALLEGATIONS
AGAINST MATT LAUER: THE FORMER
"TODAY" SHOW HOST GAVE A FEMALE
COLLEAGUE A SEX TOY AS A GIFT:
WHICH IS A BAD THING?
WOW, SO I GUESS THAT MEANS I
SHOULD RETURN THE SECRET SANTA
GIFT I GOT FOR COLIN:
IT'S DOUBLE SIDED:
DON'T YOU PULL BOTH SIS:
OKAY:
IN A NEW INTERVIEW: JAY-Z
ADMITTED THAT HE CHEATED ON
BEYONCE:
YEAH MAN:
WE KNOW:
A HISTORIAN IN VIRGINIA
BELIEVES THE CONFEDERATE STATUE
OF ROBERT E: LEE MAY HAVE A TIME
CAPSULE INSIDE IT CONTAINING AN
TREMELRARE PHOTO OF LINCOLN
LYING IN HIS COFFIN:
STARRING NICOLAS CAGE:
ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY:
DOGS ARE SMARTER THAN CATS:
BUT I DON'T KNOW: I NEVER HEARD
OF A CAT FALLING FOR THE PEA NUT
BUTTER TRICK:
[ LAUGHTER ]
> A SPECIAL PERFORMANCE OF
OVERGLOW WILL BE PERFORMING THIS
FRIDAY IN WHICH ALL THE MEMBERS
OF THE CAST AND THE AUDIENCE
WILL BE NAKED:
IT'S ONE WHERE THE CRITICS ARE
SAYING, MAYBE NOT RIGHT NOW:
EXPERTS ARE NOW SAYING THAR
ONE OF THE KEYS TO A LONG:
HEALTHY MARRIAGE IS TO MAKE SURE
COUPLES KEEP THEIR SEX LIVES
FRESH AND EXCITING:
HERE TO SHARE THEIR EXPERIENCE
WITH KAMA SUTRA: THE ANCIENT
HINDU GUIDE TO ELABORATE SEXUAL
POSITIONS: IS A MARRIED COLE
WHO TRIED EVERY ONE IN THE BOOK:
THE DUNCANS:
HELLO, MICHAEL:
THANK YOU FOR HAVING US:
SO YOU TWO REALLY TRIED EVERY
POSITION IN THE KAMA SUTRA?
OH, SHE'S SHY.
OH, BOY, I'M BLUSHING:
BUT, YES, I HAVE TO SAY THAT IT
REALLY SPICED THING UP:
I'M MORE ATTRACTED TO GARY THAN
EVER:
AW.
AND THE DOCTORS SAY I'LL MAKE A
FULL RECOVERY:
BUT MICHAEL: LET ME TELL YOU
THIS: BEFORE COUPLES ATTEMPT THE
KAMA SUTRA: THEY NEED TO MAKE
SURE THEY ARE ON THE SAME PAGE:
RIGHT, YOU MEAN, LIKE:
DISCUSS WHAT THEY'RE BOTH
COMFORTABLE WITH:
YES, THAT:
BUT ALSO BE ON THE LITERAL SAME
PAGE OF THE TUALOOK:
MY WIFE -- SNEAKER -- LIKED TO
SKIP AHEAD:
WHAT?
I WAS EXCITED:
YEAH: AT ONE POINT I WAS ON
PAGE SIX TRYING A POSITION
CALLED BEGINNERS BLOSSOM BUT SHE
HAD SKIPPED AHEAD TO -- WHAT WAS
IT?
BROKEN DONKEY:
BROKEN DONE KYI:
AND IN THAT ONE I WAS THE BROKEN
DONKEY:
YOU ARE SHICHL SHE'S SHY.
BUT WE WERE SO INSPIRED BY
THE BOOK THAT WE KAEM UP WITH
SOME NEW
POSITIONS THAT WE THINK OTHER
COUPLES MIGHT ENJOY: TOO.
YES.
THIS ONE SHELLY QUITE ENJOYED
BUT IT WASN'T MY FAVORITE:
IT'S CALLED: "YOU'RE A CHAIR
NOW."
AS YOU CAN SEE: THE BLUE IS THE
MALE: AND THE PINK IS THE
MALE
SHE IS IS A SHY ONE TODAY:
I'M TOO SHY TO GO INTO
DETAILS BUT LADIES: THIS ONE
HITS ALL THE RIGHT SPOTS:
IN ALL HONESTY: I HAD PASSED
OUT DURING THIS ONE:
BUT SHELLY TELLS ME I LOVED IT:
BUT GENTLEMEN: IF YOU DO ATTEMPT
"YOU'RE A CHAIR NOW:" INSIST
YOUR WIFE IS BAREFOOT AND NOT
WEARING HER SEXY HIGH HEELS:
OH, STOP, YOU LOVE MY HEELS:
I DO.
THAT LOOKS PAINFUL:
YOU'RE A BRAVE MAN:
WELL, I HAD NO CHOICE:
ANOTHER ONE OF SHELLY'S
CREATIONS IS --
SHE CALLS "YOU MY BASKETBALL:"
IT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT SOUNDS
LIKE, MICHAEL:
AND LADIES: WORDS TO THE
WISE: IF YOU ARE GOING TO
DRIBBLE YOUR HUSBAND: USE BOTH
HANDS:
YES, ABSOLUTELY: OR DON'T
DRIBBLE YOUR HUSBAND:
IT'S UP TO YOU.
AND THIS NEXT POSITION IS NAMED
AFTER WHAT MY WIFE SAID WHILE WE
WERE DOING IT --
"STOP WHINING: SANDWICH BOY!"
SHE DID HER VOICE:
THAT'S WHAT SHE DOES IN THE
BEDROOM:
SO THE MALE IS THE MEAT:
AND THE #
MATTRESS AND THE BOX SPRING: OR
IN OUR CASE A MATTRESS AND
WOODEN BED SLATS, ARE THE BREAD:
IT SOUNDS LIKE SHELLY MADE UP
THE POSITIONS GREG:
DID YOU COME UP WITH ANY
YOURSELF?
YES, I DID.
YEAH, I CALL THIS ONE: "WHERE
ARE YOU HIDING?
I'M NOT DONE:"
AGAIN: BASED ON WHAT MY WIFE
SAID DURING IT:
I DID NOT SAY THAT:
I PROMISE Y, YODID:
YOU WERE IN YOUR ZONE:
WELL: THANK YOU GUYS FOR
COMING:
ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO SHARE
WITH OUR VIEWERS WHO MIGHT BE
INTERESTED IN TRYING OUT SOME OF
THESE POSITIONS IN THE BEDROOM?
YES.
BE CREATIVE, BE OPEN: AND
STRETCH:
YEAH:
D MA SURE YOUR INSURANCE
PLAN COVERS SOMETHING CALLED
CONSENSUAL INTIMATE TRAUMA:
THE DUNCANS, EVERYBODY:
FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE: I'M
MICHAEL CHE:
I'M COLIN JOST:
GOOD NIGHT
> GOING ONCE, GOING TWICE:
SOLE FOR A WHOPPING $1,600.
CONGRATULATIONS TO THIS LOVELY
YOUNG LADY AT TABLE SIX:
YOU HAVE WON BREAKFAST AND A
PRIVATE TENNIS LESSON WITH OUR
HEAD INSTRUCTOR BRANDON:
HEADS UP: I'M GOING TO MAKE
YOU SWEAT:
AT BREAKFAST?
NO.
THE TENNIS LESSON:
OKAY: YOU TWO SEE DANA TO SET
THAT DATE:
$1600 IS OUR BIGGEST TAKE SO FAR
IN OUR BACHELOR AUCTION:
REMEMBER: ALL PROCEEDS FROM
TONIGHT GO TO OUR CLUB'S YOUTH
TRAVELING TEAM:
SO PLEASE: KEEP GIVING
GENEROUSLY:
OUR NEXT TENNIS CLUB BACHELOR
WORKS AT THE PRO SHOP:
IT'S CHAD:
YOU MAY KNOW CHAD FROM VAPING IN
THE PARKING LOT:
YOU ARE BIDDING ON LUNCHITH
CHAD:
OKAY:
FANTASTIC:
LET'S START IT OUT AT 50 BIG
ONES:
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT VOICE:
ALL RIGHT: CHAD HELP US OUT
HERE:
WHY DON'T YOU SELL YOURSELF FOR
THE LADIES:
GOT ANY FUN TALENTS?
I -- I MADE UP A DANCE CALLED
"THE DOINK DOINK:"
ALL RIGHT:
LET'S SEE THE DOINK DOINK:
OKAY:
DOINK DOINK:
DOINK DOINK DOINK DOINK DOINK:
BOOP:
OH, MY GOSH:
THAT'S INCREDIBLE:
YES, WE HAVE EYES SYLVIA:
$100.
$500.
$1,000.
$2,000.
DOINK, DOINK, DOINK, DOINK:
DOINK DOINK DOINK:
$5,000.
TYPICAL CECIL: JUMP IN WHEN
THE ACTIONS HOT:
$10,000 AND I'LL RAISE MYSELF
TO 15.
I MUST HAVE THE DOINK DOINK:
GO HOME, LADIES:
$30,000!
$50,000.
AND THAT'S A BARGAIN:
AND I AM WILLING TO GO TO SIX
FIGURES:
BUT I NEED MORE:
WHAT ELSE DOES CHAD BRING TO THE
TABLE?
CHAD ANY OTHER HIDDEN
TALENTS?
I CAN DO AN IMPRESSION OF JIM
CAREY AS THE GRINCH:
OH, JESUS CHRIST: THIS PLACE
IS GOING TO EXPLODE:
$100,000.
I DON'T EVEN NEED TO HEAR IT:
WHAT IF IT'S NOT GOOD:
OF COURSE IT WILL BE GOOD:
IT'S CHAD, YOU COW:
SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU:
LET CHAD WORK:
OKAY:
THIS IS WHEN HE'S TALKING TO THE
DOG.
OMORW'S CHRISTMAS: IT'S
PRACTICALLY HERE!"
$500,000!
$600,000.
THAT SED EXACTLY LIKE THE
GRINCH:
$700,000, AND I DIDN'T EVEN
SEE THE GRINCH:
I FEEL LIKE I'M IN THE UPSIDE
DOWN RIGHT NOW
CHAD'S GRINCH IMPRESSION TOOK TO
US 700 GRAND:
ANYTHING ELSE YOU'RE HIDING FROM
US?
I CAN DO A MAGIC TRICK:
IT'S POINTLESS, LADIES: THERE
IS A REASON YOU ALL CALL ME
RICHIE BITCH BEHIND MY BACK:
I GET WHAT I WANT:
QUIET PIG, LOOK:
BOING, BOING, BOING, BOING:
BOING, BOING, BOING:
BOING, BOING: BOIN
$10 MILLION!
$10 MILLION:
GOING ONCE, TWICE: SOLD TO THE
MYSTERY MAN IN THE FUN COAT:
WHO ARE YOU: SIR?
IT DOESN'T MATTER:
WHAT MATTERS IS THE LUNCH WITH
CHAD IS MINE!
HAVE THE BOY CLEANED AND TAKEN
TO MYELOGENOUS:
SOUNDS KIND OF CREEPY:
ARE YOU COOL WITH THAT: CHAD?
OKAY:
CHAD'S COOL WITH IT:
BIG HAND FOR CHAD:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ALL RIGHT: ONTO OUR BIG TICKET
ITEM:
WE PULLED A LOT OF STRINGS TO
GET HIM HERE:
GET YOUR CHECKBOOKS OUT, LADIES:
READY FOR OUR NEXT BACHELOR:
TENNIS LEGEND, MR. JOHN McENROE:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
TELL US: WHAT ARE THEY BIDDING
ON MR. McENROE:
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN: WHAT I'M
OFFERING IS A WEEKEND ST AT
ESTATE, AKA, THE MACK SHACK:
IT INCLUDES A THREE-HOUR TENNIS
LESSON FROM YOURS TRULY: A MIXED
DOUBLES MATCH WITH ANDRE AGASSI
AND STEFFI GRAF: AND OF COURSE
UNLIMITED SELFIES WITH ME:
JOHN McENROE: THE BAD BOY OF
TENNIS:
WOW.
WOW, LADIES: THE BAD BOY OF
TENNIS:
START THAT BIDDING:
WHAT?
YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME:
I'M JOHN McENROE: MAN!
WHAT DO YOU LADIES WANT?
YOU CAN BRING CHAD ALONG:
IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?
DOINK, DOINK, DOINK, DOINK:
DOINK, DOINK:
$20 MILLION:
NOW THAT IS MORE LIKE IT:
SOLD
$20 MILLION:
[ APPLAUSE ]
> OKAY, CLASS: BEFORE WE DIVE INTO THE UNIT REVIEW: I HAVE -- CUE THE GROANS -- RUBRICS FOR
MIDTERM EXAMS:
[ GROANS ]
YEAH, YEAH:
GET IT OUT NOW:
ALL RIGHT:
FIRST UP --
MR. C, SORRY I'M LATE:
MY DOG ATE MY ALARM CLOCK:
HOLD MY BACKPACK, DANBERG:
OH, MR. C., KELLY'S A THIEF:
SHE TOOK MY BREATH AWAY:
GO AWAY:
OW.
THAT HURT MY FEELINGS:
REJECTING ME AGAIN: HUH?
MUST A LESBIAN:
HOLD IT:
BRAD: IS THAT A CIGARETTE?
LET ME CHECK:
IT IS.
SHAME ON YOU:
MR. C., I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS
FOR YOU:
HE'S A JERK:
OH, FINKEL STEEN: LET ME HAVE
YOUR YARMULKE:
MR. C., I CAN'T DO ANY HOMEWORK
THISEEK 'S ROSH HASHANAH:
SO LONG:
OH BOY.
WHAT DID YOUR MOM MAKE ME FOR
LUNCH?
EGG SALAD:
VERY GOOD:
I'LL DO YOU A FAVOR AND THROW
THAT INTO THE TRASH:
YO, YO, YO, LITTLE D: NICE --
NICE KICKS:
DAMN, GINA:
SORRY:
BAD TIME TO EMPTY THE TRASH:
IT'S THE JANITOR:
QUESTION:
IS THE FIRST THING YOUR WIFE
SAYS WHEN YOU GET HOME: U
SMELL OR YOU SMELL TERRIBLE?
I'M KIDDING WITH YOU:
MR. C., THE FOREPLAY IS DONE:
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE LEARN A
LITTLE BIT OF ENGLISH LIT?
SHUT UP AND GET YOUR FEET OFF
THE DESK:
YES, SIR.
YOUNG MAN: IN MY 38 YEARS AS
AN EDUCATOR: I HAVE NEVER SEEN
ANYTHING AS MISGUIDED AND BRAZEN
AS YOUR BEHAVIOR IN THESE LAST
THREE MINUTES:
ESPECIALLY BEING AS YOU ARE NEW
HERE:
IT IS YOUR FIRST DAY AT THIS
SCHOOL:
[ LAUGHTER ]
NONE OF US HAVE EVER MET YOU:
[ LAUGHTER ]
MY NAME, BY THE WAY: IS
MR. NYSTROM, NOT MR: C.
AND THEIR NAMES AREN'T WHAT YOU
CALLED THEM:
[ LAUGHTER ]
FURTHERMORE: THIS IS AN ALGEBRA
CLA, NOT ENGLISH LIT:
I'M SORRY:
I JUST WANTED TO MAKE A SPLASH:
WELL, IT WAS A BELLY FLOP:
I THINK YOU OWE EVERYBODY HERE
AN APOLOGY: STARTING WITH THE
YOUNG LADY THAT YOU DROOLED OVER
LIKE A PIG:
I'M SORRY, KELLY:
MY NAME IS JACQUELINE: AND
YOU ARE RIGHT I AM A LESBIAN:
IT WAS REALLY HARD FOR ME TO
COME OUT: BUT THINKING ABOUT
DATING A GUY LIKE YOU MAKES ME
REALLY GLAD I DID:
[ APPLAUSE ]
YEAH: YOU GOT TO APPLAUSE
THAT:
AS FOR ME: YOU DON'T GET TO
KNOW MY NAME:
YOUR ENTIRE INTERACTION WITH ME
WAS BAD, YOU OPENED WITH YO: YO,
YO, AND CLOSED WH, DN GINA:
I'M SUPER SORRY: AND I HOPE
YOU CAN FORGIVE ME ONE DAY:
NAH.
AND MY NAME IS AARON: YOU
CALLED ME BRAD:
I'M ALLERGIC TO SMOKE AND HAD TO
STICK THIS EPIPEN IN MY LEG
AFTER OUR INTERACTION:
THANK YOU FOR THAT:
I'M SORRY, GUYS:
I'M REALLY SORRY:
NO, YOU ARE NOT:
AND FOR FUTURE REFERENCE MY NAME
IS RANDY GOODMAN NOT
FINKELSTEIN:
AND PLEASE NEVER USE MY YARMULKE
FOR YOUR PROP COMEDY EVER AGAIN:
I'M ALSO SORRY AT WHOEVER'S
LUNCH I DUNKED IN THE TRASH:
OH, NO WORRIES N:
IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE A STOMACH
ISSUE AND EVERYTHING IN THAT
LUNCH WAS CAREFULLY PICKED OUT
BY A DIETICIAN:
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
KILLER JOKE:
AND THAT LEAVES ME:
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M SORRY MY WORK ISN'T UP TO
YOUR STANDARDS AND IF YOU WANT
TO LET MY WIFE HOW BAD I SMELL:
SHE'S EASY --
SHE'S EASY TO FIND:
PLOT 199-J AT THE NEW HAVEN
CEMETERY:
WELL YOUNG MAN TODAY WAS NOT
YOUR DAY BUT PERHAPS YOU WILL BE
ABLE TO MOVE PAST IT SOCIALLY:
NOW WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
BRODY CHOAD:
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOPE:
NEVER MIND:
YOU'RE DOOMED:
OH, YOU STARTED WITHOUT ME?
OH, MR. LYNCH HOW NICE OF YOU
TO JOIN US:
YEAH, I'M SORRY: MR. NYSTROM
I LOST TRACK OF TIME WHEN I WAS
WRITING IN MY DIARY ABOUT HOW
MUCH I LOVE THIS CLASS:
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU SEE MR. CHOAD: THAT'S HOW
IT'S DONE:
[ APPLAUSE ]
♪
> ONCE AGAIN: U2.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪ AMERICA THIS IS THE IMPRESSION I
GET FROM LOOKING IN THE
TELEVISET:
AMERICA IN THIS COUNTRY THIS
THREAT:
♪ GET OUT OF YOUR
OWN WAY
GET OUT OF YOUR OWN
WAY, HEY, HEY ♪
LOVE HURTS
NOW YOU'RE THE GIRL ♪
♪ WHO'S LEFT WITH NO WORDS
YOUR HEART'S A BALLOON
BUT THEN IT BURSTS ♪
♪ IT DOESN'T TAKE A
CANNON: JUST A PIN
YOUR SKIN'S NOT COVERING
AND RESISTANCE ♪
♪ LOVE HAS GOT TO
FIGHT FOR ITS EXISTENCE
THE ENEMY HAS ARMIES
FOR ASSISTANCE ♪
THE GLAMOR AND THE
♪ THE AMORIST: THE
GLAMOROUS: THE KISS
A FIST: LISTEN
TO THIS: OH ♪
♪ GET OUT OF YOUR
OWN WAY: OH, I
GET OUT OUR
OWN WAY: OH, I ♪
♪ I COULD SING IT TO
YOU ALL NIGHT: ALL NIGHT
IF I COULD: I'D MAKE
IT ALRIGHT: ALRIGHT ♪
♪ NOTHING'S STOPPING YOU
EXCEPT WHAT'S INSIDE
I CAN HELP YOU: BUT IT'S
YOUR FIGHT: YOUR FIGHT ♪
♪ FIGHT BACK
DON'T TAKE IT LYIN' DOWN
YOU GOT TO BITE BACK ♪
♪ FACE OF LIBERTY'S
STARTING TO CRACK SHE
HAD A PLAN UP UNTIL SHE
GOT SMACKED IN THE MOUTH ♪
♪ AND IT ALL WENT SOUTH
LIKE FREEDOM
THE SLAVES ARE LOOKIN' FOR
SOMEONE TO LEAD THEM ♪
♪ THE MASTER'S LOOKIN' FOR
SOMEONE TO NEED HIM THE
PROMISED LAND IS THERE ♪
♪ FOR THOSE WHO NEED IT
MOST AND LINCOLN'S
GHOST SAID ♪
♪ GET OUT OF YOUR
OWN WAY: OH, I
GET OUT OF YOUR
OWN WAY: OH, I ♪
♪ I COULD SING IT TO
YOU ALL NIGHT: ALL NIGHT
IF I COULD: I'D MAKE
IT ALRIGHT: ALRIGHT ♪
♪ NOTHING'S STOPPING YOU
EXCEPT WHAT'S INSIDE
I CAN HELP YOU: BUT IT'S
YOUR FIGHT: YEAH ♪
♪ GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY
GET OUT OF YOUR
OWN WAY ♪
♪
♪ GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY
GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY
GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY ♪
♪ BLESSED ARE THE ARROGANT
FOR THERE'S THE KINGDOM
OF THEIR OWN COMPANY ♪
♪ BLESSED ARE THE LIARS
THERE'S A TRUTH
TO BE AWKWARD ♪
BLESSED ARE THE CAST OF
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: WELCOME ABOARD FLIGHT 192 FROM DUBLIN:
MAKE: CONNECTIONS TO NEW YORK
CITY:
BEFORE WE ARE IN THE AIR WE MUST
GO OVER SOME SAFETY FEATURES ON
AIR LINGIS:
EVEN BEFORE THAT:
WE KNOW WHAT AIR LINGIS SOUNDS
LIKE:
WE CAN'T GET THROUGH A FLIGHT
WITHOUT SOMEONE MAKING AIR
LINGIS COMMENTS:
YOU KNOW ABOUT THE WORD IT
SOUNDS LIKE:
NO SAYING ANY MORE ABOUT IT:
THE WORD WE ARE TALKING SORT
OF RHYMES WITH RUNNING: AND WE
MAIL BITS AND WHAT YOU CAN DO
ABOUT IT
IT'S LOW HANGING FRUIT:
LITERALLY: AND THAT'S DEFINITELY
THE LAST WE ARE SAYING ABOUT IT:
AND THE WORD WAS CUNNILINGUS:
HOW LONG DO YOU RECKON WE
WILL BE ON THE RUNWAY?
WHAT'S THE DELAY THEN?
I HEARD THERE WAS A DOG:
HERE'S THE LADY WITH THE
ORANGE STICK NOW:
MAYBE SHE HAS INFORMATION:
FOLKS: WE HAVE A DOG ON THE
RUNWAY:
IT HAS SAD EYES:
SO WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT:
WE ARE GOING TO LET THE DOG
CHOOSE WHEN IS HE READY TO MOVE:
IT'S HIS WILL:
IT'S HIS STORY:
YOU DO UNDERSTAND:
ALL RIGHT:
SO LET'S DID OUR SAFETY
PRESENTATION:
PULL OUT YOUR PAMPHLET:
NUMBER ONE: MINE YOUR
CHILDREN, PLEASE:
YES.
THEY NEED TO BE UNDERNEATH YOUR
SEATS AT ALL TIMES:
AND TODDLERS NEED TO BE STOWED
NEATLY IN OVERHEAD FOR THE
ENTIRETITY OF THE FLIGHT:
WHOSE DOG IS THIS?
COMEERE:
WHOSE DOG ARE YOU?
OH, THAT'S THE CAPTAIN'S DOG.
CAPTAIN, PANKY IS OUT HERE:
WHAT'S THAT?
PANKY, YOUR DOG: HE'S OUT
HERE:
OR PANKSY, YOU ARE A BAD BOY:
AREN'T YOU?
ALL RIGHT, FOLKS: BACK WITH
OUR PEEWEE RILEY THAT'S HIS
NICKNAME BECAUSE SOMETHING ON
HIS BODY IS GIT ANHE'S
ASHAMED ABOUT IT:
AND THAT'S ALL WE ARE GOING TO
SAY ABOUT IT:
THAT PART OF HIS BODY IS HIS
PENIS:
NOW THAT YOU MET OUR CAPTAIN
AND HIS SHALALA:
LET US INTRODUCE OURSELVES:
I'M COLLEEN:
I'M BRIANA:
IN THE BACK: WE HAVE MAY AND NOW
SHE'S GOING TO TELL US A BIT
ABOUT THE MENU:
FINGERLINGS -- PURPLE
POTATOES:
AND WE HAVE GOT SALMON:
I'M SORRY:
I MISREAD THAT:
THE SALMON IS ALSO POTATOES:
THANK YOU:
MAY GET BACK TO THE BACK NOW:
EXCUSE ME: AM I GOING TO MAKE
MY CONNECTION IN NEW YORK CI:
AND AL: THERE'S A CHANGE DOG
THAT'S JUMPED INTO MY LAP:
AND IS HE BOTHERING YOU: SIR?
NOT REALLY:
HE'S KIND OF SWEET:
SOUND LIKE YOU MADE A NEW
FRIEND:
SO AM I GOING TO MAKE THAT
CONNECTION TO NEW YORK?
HERE COMES THE LADY WITH THE
ORANGE STICKS:
PERHAPS SHE HAS MORE NEWS:
THE DOG ON THE RUNWAY WAS THE
CAPTAIN'S DOGS:
KNEWHAT BY THE INFORMATION
ON HIS TAGS:
IT'S MUFFET:
CAPTAIN: MUFFET WAS ON THE
RUNWAY:
WHO?
MUFFET, YOUR DOG:
HE WENT THAT WAY:
OH, MY DOG.
I'M SORRY: I DON'T THINK YOU
ARE GOING TO BE MAKING YOUR
CONNECTING FLIGHT:
THE CAPTAIN HAS TO COLLECT ALL
HIGHS DOGS:
LOOK, HE'S GOT A FIDDLE OUT:
> THANK YOU TO U2: TO ALEC BALDWIN, JOHN McENROE: IT'S BEEN AN AMAZING NIGHT:
IT'S BEEN A DREAM COME TRUE FOR
ME TO BE BACK HOME IN NEW YORK:
THANK YOU SO MUCH TO EVERYONE
WHO CAME OUT:
THIS IS AMAZING:
I HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR NIGHT:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪