- Let's see, I see here that you would like
to go back on birth control?
- Yeah, I'm in this new relationship,
and we really want to stop using condoms, so...
- We would recommend that you take a quick questionnaire
about common risk factors for STIs.
- Yep, okay.
- Great.
Now, are you an intravenous drug user?
- Not that I know of.
- Do you have sex with multiple partners?
- Only on a good night. [chuckles]
No.
- You know, I know some of these questions seem silly.
We just have to ask.
- I'm sorry. Totally.
- Have you had sex with Mike Scaggs?
- What?
- Have you had sexual contact with Mike Scaggs?
Again, I know some of these questions are silly,
but we're just trying to identify
the most common ways that people contract STIs.
- That's--
Mike Scaggs is the guy I'm seeing.
- Great, let's get started on your physical.
Scooch down.
[down tempo electronic music]
- Ah!
- [squeaks]
- [growls]
- I've never even heard of a lot of these diseases.
- I know, but all negative, so...
- Mike really gets around, huh?
- Yeah, he was a... single guy.
He slept with a few people.
But he--you know, those days are behind him.
- So you guys are an official couple now?
- Like, not, like, official-official...official.
You know, like, it wasn't, like,
written down in the hall of records.
You know what I mean? [laughs]
Guys, we hang out almost every night, okay?
He threw me a birthday party.
He's totally my boyfriend.
We just haven't had, like, the talk yet.
- Okay, well, there's no rush, right?
- Uh-uh. - Yeah.
- In its own time. - Yeah, keep it cazh.
- Yeah. [whistle blows]
[gentle music]
- Oh, I need a kiss.
- [chuckles]
Hey, babe?
Hey, um...
Mike, I was wondering,
can we talk about something for a second?
- Yeah. What's up?
- Um, I've been thinking a lot about, you know,
you and me, us, lately.
- I think about us all the time too, baby.
I'm so glad we talked about that.
- Uh-- - Ooh, you look cold.
Let me grab you a jacket.
- There you are.
- Hey.
- So, um, as I was saying,
you know, we've been seeing each other for a while now.
- Yeah.
- And we like each other so much.
- Totally agree.
- Mike!
Michael, listen, I feel like you're being
a tad bit evasive here.
We really need to talk about our relationship.
- Wahh!
[yells]
- Hey! Baby!
Mike!
Hey!
- Okay, we are just two little pitchers away
from free nachos.
I think we can do it. Do you think we can do it?
- Yeah, totally.
Listen, I want to talk to you
about something that happened yesterday.
Is that all right?
- Yeah, totally. What's, uh, up?
- Okay, um, I-- I've been trying to have
this serious conversation with you,
you know, and I felt like instead of listening to me,
you, you know, just, like, flew out of the window
with the impossible grace of a wingless crane.
- Wow, I'm sorry you felt that way.
I just thought the conversation was over.
Want some quesadillas?
- Babe, hi. - Hey.
- What I want more than that is to clarify.
I just need you to tell me, you know,
am I your girlfriend or not, that's it.
- [sighs]
[snorts]
[laughs] Babe!
Is this what you've been worrying about this whole time?
- Yeah.
- For real? Baby.
- I know it's silly. I just--
- Just--come here.
- Ahh!
Mike!
[intense music]
[panting]
- I understand your predicament.
Sounds as though you have a very worthy opponent.
- Yes, Master Chang.
[bamboo flute melody]
- I will teach you.
But are you certain you wish to catch
that which does not wish to be caught?
The slippery eel, once captured,
is not so delicious.
- I don't care.
I want the eel.
- Hmm.
[woman singing in native language]
[bird caws]
- [chuckles]
♪ ♪
Hmm.
- [groans] - [laughs]
- Master Chang! - Hmm?
- I've been at this for hours.
It's late, and I'm exhausted,
and I still haven't learned anything
about doing battle with Mike.
What is the meaning of all of this?
- You must be patient.
For you to capture the slippery eel--
- Oh, God, more eel.
- Hmm. - Okay, I gotta go.
Thanks, I guess.
I gotta go.
Hey.
- Where were you?
Did you forget we had dinner plans?
- I'm sorry, I just got home way later than I thought I would.
- So where were you?
- Oh, I was just training with some ancient martial arts master
on a mountaintop who's stupid.
Do we need plates?
- So you were with a guy?
- It's no biggie. What's wrong?
- I just think it's kinda weird
that I'm waiting around all night
while some old guy is skeezing all over my girlfriend.
Ahh!
[bamboo flute melody]
How did you do that?
- I think I can answer that question.
You see, my method was not about training at all.
It was about spending time away from Mike
with another dude, creating uncertainty.
- Right. I'm sorry I ever doubted your ways, Master Cheng.
♪ ♪
- So, um...
I should tell you, I've never exactly done
the boyfriend thing before.
- Oh, babe!
Don't you worry.
You're gonna be great.
- [clears throat]
So what are we gonna do tonight?
Hey, have you ever heard of this game
called Cards Against Humanity, hmm?
It's so fun!
- [chuckles] - Yeah.
- Wow.
- How 'bout charades?
- Oh, babe, can you--
- I--I get it.
I--totally, I get it.
I will just, uh, head on out, I guess.
So, um...
See you later.
[gentle music]
- Hi, yes, two coffees for me and my girlfriend, please.
- [laughs]
- So I'll see you after work tonight, girlfriend?
- I can't wait, boyfriend.
- Thanks. - Ah, thank you.
- Bye, babe. - Bye.
- Bye.
[cell phone dings]
[both chuckle]
- I texted you. You saw it?
- Yeah, I just got it.
- Cool. Just making sure.
Miss you.
[phone chimes]
- Sorry.
- How do you want to make your clients happy?
[phone chimes] You--
- I am going to put on vibrate.
- Yeah, let's do that. Okay?
[phone buzzes]
There is no--
[buzzing continues]
Okay, break room tips. If it's not yours...
- You okay?
- Yeah.
Hmm? - Are you sure?
- Mm-hmm.
- Tell me what's up.
- Ugh, okay, fine.
I--I just think it's kinda messed up
that you didn't respond to my texts yesterday.
- Babe.
I love knowing that you're thinking about me.
I love it, but I need you to understand
that if I'm busy at work
or with friends or something,
I can't always get back to you right away.
Does that make sense?
- Yeah, totally. I get it.
It's just when I didn't hear from you,
I thought maybe you were mad or--
- Well, I'm not mad. - Hmm.
- Hey. - Hmm?
- You know, you have nothing to worry about.
- Mm, mm.
- I'm gonna go to the gym, all right?
- Okay. - You gonna be okay?
- I'll miss you.
- Miss you too. All right.
- I'll miss you. Have a good workout.
- Bye. - Bye.
[upbeat music]
[suspenseful music]
- It's every boyfriend's nightmare:
a girlfriend not responding to texts.
We now go live to devastated boyfriend, Mike Scaggs,
as we enter minute four
of the desperate hunt for Rosa.
- Thank you all so much for coming.
Best case scenario, she's either dead or in a coma.
Worst case, she's slightly mad at me or--
I didn't even get the three little bubbles
that come up.
I would take that right now.
And the texts were blue.
They weren't green. They went through.
- Mike, is there any message
that you would like to relay to Rosa?
- Yes, um, Rosa, if you can somehow hear me,
I just need you to know,
"'Sup? How you doing, boo-boo?"
And then I wrote, "#RelationshipGoals,"
and I pictured texted you
an image of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West,
but with their faces swapped.
It was like a Photoshop joke. It was stupid.
I shouldn't have sent you anything.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I screen-grabbed it off Instagram,
and I thought you'd think it's funny,
and you didn't respond.
I'm so sorry.
- Volunteers are rallying to find this missing girlfriend.
- How's your day going, cutie?
- 'Sup, boo-boo?
all: 'Sup?
- Boo-boo! - What's up, boo-boo?
- 'Sup!
- Question mark! - Green alien emoji!
- [groans]
- I'll never forget the last thing Rosa said to me
before her disappearance.
"I'll be back in an hour."
That was almost ten minutes ago.
There's still no sign of her.
- Michael!
What the shit, man? I was just at the gym!
Excuse me.
- Rosa? You're alive!
Oh, my God!
Thank you all for your support.
I'm never letting her go again.
I was so scared.
- Ugh!
- Hey, we're about to start warm-up.
You ready?
- Yeah, I'll be right there. I just gotta send this text.
I think I'm gonna end things with Mike tonight.
I just--I can't do it anymore. He's so clingy.
I--
What is that face? - I don't know, Rosa.
You were the one who wanted to be exclusive,
and now that you are, you don't want him anymore?
I hate to say it,
but I think you're gonna come off like a bitch.
- Ouch, Maya.
- I'm not saying I think you're a bitch.
I'm just saying you might get accused of that.
- Am I a bitch?
- I once got into a situation like you,
and I called this woman.
She's what they call "a fixer."
She makes problems go away.
- Uh-huh.
Oh.
I understand.
Stay right where you are,
and, Rosa, don't touch a goddamn thing.
"We need to talk."
No emojis, no exclamation points.
You should have contacted me.
- Does it really look that bad?
- It all adds up to first-degree bitch.
- Listen, I want to be sure that you get me out of this.
- Lady, I'm not a miracle worker,
but if you do everything that I say,
I think I can get the charges reduced
from "bitch" to "crazy."
- But I'm not crazy.
- You are lucky that crazy is even on the table.
If this were Texas,
you'd be looking at "aggravated [bleep]."
- Oh, okay.
- Do you believe in astrology?
- It's not really my thing.
- Damn it, Rosa.
Do you want this to work or not?
- Yes, of course--
- Ma'am, where do you want the cats?
- It the kitchen, in the food.
Cats everywhere. Cats, cats, cats.
- Hey, babe. - Hey, hon.
- [clears throat]
- Oh, hey, babe. - Hey, I got your text.
[cat squeals] Did you get a cat?
- Um, uh, sit down.
- So, uh, you texted me you wanted to talk?
- Uh, I just wanted to bring you here
so I could talk to you
about my journey,
um, and that I've been feeling really crazy.
- Uh-huh.
- Just really whacked out,
and, uh, that moon is just
pulling at my zodiac hard,
and I just, um-- I feel like we should--
- Say no more.
I totally get it.
- Oh. - We should move in together.
It's, like, you're so crazy right now.
Like, I gotta be, like, watching over you all the time,
making sure you're okay, because I'm the sane one.
You know, I'll be your rock.
I knew something was up, 'cause I texted you so much...
- Yeah. - And you didn't respond.
- No.
- And I texted your mom actually.
- You did? - "What's going on with Rosa?"
And she got back to me right away,
so I was like, "Maybe it doesn't run in the family."
- I'm not [bleep] crazy!
You're the crazy one!
- What? - You're immature,
and you're possessive, and you're clingy,
and you won't let me breathe.
I'm sorry, but I can't.
I can't do this, and I don't care if you think I'm a bitch,
because I can't do this anymore.
It's--it's over.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, I--
- Pack it up, people.
Just pack it up.
- [sighs]
- Oh. Uh, Mittens has worms,
so you'll want to deal with that.
I wouldn't wait.
- Well, which one is--
[cat meows]
- So you must be relieved.
Single again, no more boyfriend to worry about.
- Ugh, totally.
[whistle blows]
[gentle music]
Hi. Um, one coffee, please.
Thanks.
[phone chimes]
[cat meows]
♪ ♪
[phone buzzes]
[television plays indistinctly]
[woman singing in native language]
♪ ♪
[toilet flushes]