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00:00:03,355 --> 00:00:04,888
BILL:
You really think Jack
can handle this case?
2
00:00:04,890 --> 00:00:06,423
CHARLIE:
Yeah, he's a lawyer.
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00:00:06,425 --> 00:00:07,857
FRANK:
Besides, Bill, you're broke.
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00:00:07,859 --> 00:00:09,359
He's the best lawyer
you can afford.
5
00:00:09,361 --> 00:00:10,927
Yeah, Bill, you got to relax,
okay? Uncle Jack
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00:00:10,929 --> 00:00:13,630
and I-- we got this case.
Now-now, listen to me.
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00:00:13,632 --> 00:00:15,465
Liam McPoyle's gonna
come at you hard, all right?
8
00:00:15,467 --> 00:00:17,600
But-but I've done my research.
I got something with this
9
00:00:17,602 --> 00:00:19,102
bird theory that's gonna
blow the court away.
I-I...
10
00:00:19,104 --> 00:00:20,637
I don't... I don't think
we should pursue
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00:00:20,639 --> 00:00:22,138
this bird nonsense, Charlie.
Yes.
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00:00:22,140 --> 00:00:23,773
I-I'm well-versed in bird law.
Look,
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00:00:23,775 --> 00:00:26,376
Pondy, keep your
eye on the prize.
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00:00:26,378 --> 00:00:28,611
This goes well,
it's party time.
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00:00:28,613 --> 00:00:30,079
What is that?
16
00:00:30,081 --> 00:00:31,915
Is that... is that drugs, Frank?
Yeah.
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00:00:31,917 --> 00:00:33,283
No, dude, I need you
keeping him clean,
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00:00:33,285 --> 00:00:34,551
all right?
That's why you're here.
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00:00:34,553 --> 00:00:35,552
I got to have
the drugs here
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00:00:35,554 --> 00:00:36,719
to keep him clean.
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00:00:36,721 --> 00:00:37,787
Well, that doesn't make sense.
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00:00:37,789 --> 00:00:39,088
I... Get rid
of the drugs, Frank.
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00:00:39,090 --> 00:00:40,757
I-I don't want that.
Hey, boys.
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00:00:40,759 --> 00:00:42,892
You ready for the big show?
Yes, good, how you feeling?
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00:00:42,894 --> 00:00:44,494
You good, you do your homework,
you know your talking points?
Yeah.
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00:00:44,496 --> 00:00:46,296
Yeah, I'm good.
Yeah, cool as a cucumber.
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00:00:46,298 --> 00:00:48,231
You can...
you can get off my back.
Well, don't sass me,
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00:00:48,233 --> 00:00:50,099
I just... It was just a general
Well, then don't hound me.
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00:00:50,101 --> 00:00:52,302
question, Dee.
I'm just saying
if you don't want sass,
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00:00:52,304 --> 00:00:54,404
then you should probably
stop being a hound.
All right, whatever.
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00:00:54,406 --> 00:00:55,972
Mac, why are you here?
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00:00:55,974 --> 00:00:58,641
This is your big day, dude.
McPoyle suing Ponderosa?
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00:00:58,643 --> 00:01:00,643
It's huge, it's like the
trial of the century.
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00:01:00,645 --> 00:01:03,079
Come on, man, everybody's got
a thing. Don't leave me out.
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00:01:03,081 --> 00:01:06,416
Frank's got a thing, Dee's got a
thing. Dennis has got a thing.
36
00:01:06,418 --> 00:01:07,684
Dennis has a thing--
what are you talking about?
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00:01:07,686 --> 00:01:10,753
Oh!
D... What are you doing here?
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00:01:10,755 --> 00:01:12,021
There's got to be a way
to get this court
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00:01:12,023 --> 00:01:13,623
to let me out
of my alimony payments.
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00:01:13,625 --> 00:01:16,025
I mean, have you guys seen
Maureen? The woman has gone
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00:01:16,027 --> 00:01:17,427
almost full cat.
It's-it's madness.
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00:01:17,429 --> 00:01:19,095
I shouldn't have
to pay for that,
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00:01:19,097 --> 00:01:20,964
so I'm gonna talk to the judge,
get him to throw it
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00:01:20,966 --> 00:01:22,265
on the docket,
you know what I mean?
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00:01:22,267 --> 00:01:23,666
No, absolutely not.
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00:01:23,668 --> 00:01:25,001
That's gonna distract
from my case.
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00:01:25,003 --> 00:01:26,102
Buddy, you don't
have a case, okay?
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00:01:26,104 --> 00:01:27,604
You are not a lawyer.
49
00:01:27,606 --> 00:01:29,205
Uncle Jack's just
got you here handling
50
00:01:29,207 --> 00:01:30,673
his papers for him
'cause he can't do it
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00:01:30,675 --> 00:01:32,008
'cause he's wearing
those goddamn...
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00:01:32,010 --> 00:01:34,277
big hands over
his hands.
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00:01:34,279 --> 00:01:36,546
I don't know what that
is. What is that?
I don't know what it is.
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00:01:36,548 --> 00:01:38,348
All right, well, either way,
this whole thing's gonna be
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00:01:38,350 --> 00:01:39,983
a goddamn fiasco, and I'm gonna
enjoy every second of it.
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00:01:39,985 --> 00:01:42,118
No, it's gonna
go fine.
No, it isn't.
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00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:44,053
No, it's gonna be fine.
This is hardly the trial
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00:01:44,055 --> 00:01:47,357
of the century. Everything's
gonna go just great.
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00:02:11,550 --> 00:02:13,249
On a scale of one to ten,
how much sass
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00:02:13,251 --> 00:02:15,151
are you gonna give me today?
A-Are you serious?
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00:02:15,153 --> 00:02:18,087
And hello to... you all.
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00:02:18,089 --> 00:02:19,722
What's the Jew lawyer
doing here?
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00:02:19,724 --> 00:02:21,324
Not Jewish,
and even if I was,
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00:02:21,326 --> 00:02:23,493
what difference
would it make?
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00:02:23,495 --> 00:02:25,061
I meant that
as a compliment.
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00:02:25,063 --> 00:02:27,530
Everybody knows
Jews are the best lawyers.
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00:02:27,532 --> 00:02:30,166
I can't wait
to crush you people.
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00:02:30,168 --> 00:02:33,002
I'll be representing
Liam McPoyle today.
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00:02:33,004 --> 00:02:34,704
Where is Liam?
Well, he actually
got pinkeye
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00:02:34,706 --> 00:02:36,506
in his one good eye.
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00:02:36,508 --> 00:02:39,275
Well, in truth, someone
named Doc McPoyle
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00:02:39,277 --> 00:02:42,345
attempted to put some sort of
healing milk in his pinkeye
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00:02:42,347 --> 00:02:44,347
and it got infected,
but that doesn't matter.
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00:02:44,349 --> 00:02:45,782
The point is...
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00:02:45,784 --> 00:02:48,384
you'll be dealing
with me today.
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00:02:48,386 --> 00:02:50,587
And you'll be dealing
with me today.
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00:02:50,589 --> 00:02:52,355
Jack Kelly, lawyer.
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00:02:52,357 --> 00:02:54,557
Good to see you again.
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00:02:54,559 --> 00:02:56,459
Are those fake hands?
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00:02:56,461 --> 00:02:59,395
No.
Are those fake hands?
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00:02:59,397 --> 00:03:02,532
You know what, good luck
with all of that today.
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00:03:02,534 --> 00:03:04,601
(sighs)
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00:03:06,738 --> 00:03:08,871
Did you see his hands?
They're beautiful.
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00:03:08,873 --> 00:03:10,907
I think we should settle.
What...
Jesus Christ.
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00:03:10,909 --> 00:03:13,076
I'm going to prison.
It's gonna be fine.
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00:03:13,078 --> 00:03:14,777
67th District Court
is now in session.
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00:03:14,779 --> 00:03:16,713
Judge Clarence Melvoy
presiding.
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00:03:16,715 --> 00:03:19,315
Please remove your hats and
turn off your cell phones.
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00:03:19,317 --> 00:03:23,152
Okay. We have
McPoyle v. Ponderosa.
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00:03:23,154 --> 00:03:25,788
Seeking damages for the loss
of an eye in the form
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00:03:25,790 --> 00:03:28,658
of a one-time payment
to the sum of...
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00:03:28,660 --> 00:03:31,127
$200.
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00:03:31,129 --> 00:03:32,629
Are the plaintiffs present?
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00:03:32,631 --> 00:03:33,663
I will be representing
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00:03:33,665 --> 00:03:34,897
the plaintiffs, Your Honor.
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00:03:34,899 --> 00:03:37,166
The defendants?
Uh, yes, Your Honor.
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00:03:37,168 --> 00:03:40,403
And I just, uh, wanted to say
I'm very excited
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00:03:40,405 --> 00:03:42,672
to be here.
I do estate law,
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00:03:42,674 --> 00:03:44,841
and this is my first
actual trial.
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00:03:44,843 --> 00:03:47,944
Uh, Your Honor, and if I may,
uh, Charlie Kelly, cocounsel.
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00:03:47,946 --> 00:03:49,979
Uh, background
in bird law, uh...
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00:03:49,981 --> 00:03:53,316
Nephew.
Yeah. But excited to be,
uh, in the people's court
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00:03:53,318 --> 00:03:54,651
a-and a big fan
of black judges,
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00:03:54,653 --> 00:03:56,319
too.
Stop touching me.
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00:03:56,321 --> 00:03:59,422
Okay. Look.
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00:03:59,424 --> 00:04:01,791
All I need are the facts
to this case.
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00:04:01,793 --> 00:04:03,760
I have a very long
day ahead of me,
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00:04:03,762 --> 00:04:07,497
so I'm gonna need
to keep this thing moving.
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00:04:07,499 --> 00:04:09,632
Are you gonna
bang the, uh...
Yeah, yeah.
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00:04:09,634 --> 00:04:12,168
the-the hammer?
Do we...? Is there a...?
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00:04:12,170 --> 00:04:13,670
Here we go?
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00:04:14,673 --> 00:04:16,172
Hey.
(chuckles)
That's the...
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00:04:16,174 --> 00:04:17,440
Awesome.
Yeah.
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00:04:17,442 --> 00:04:19,042
It's cool, right?
Yeah, nice.
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00:04:19,044 --> 00:04:21,377
LAWYER:
Your Honor,
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00:04:21,379 --> 00:04:24,814
Friday the 13th
was a night of chaos.
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00:04:24,816 --> 00:04:26,215
Milk,
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00:04:26,217 --> 00:04:28,885
spiked with bath salts
by this man,
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00:04:28,887 --> 00:04:31,054
Bill Ponderosa,
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00:04:31,056 --> 00:04:33,489
was served
to the wedding guests.
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00:04:33,491 --> 00:04:36,059
Now, my client is odd.
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00:04:36,061 --> 00:04:39,062
You might even
refer to his family as...
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00:04:40,999 --> 00:04:42,832
...very creepy.
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00:04:42,834 --> 00:04:44,867
But they are saints
compared
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00:04:44,869 --> 00:04:46,502
to Bill Ponderosa
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00:04:46,504 --> 00:04:49,038
and the sordid lot
of degenerates
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00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:50,973
he associates with.
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00:04:50,975 --> 00:04:53,810
Terrible people who ruin lives.
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00:04:53,812 --> 00:04:56,479
Ruined mine,
cost my client his marriage,
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00:04:56,481 --> 00:04:59,649
ruined my first,
now my second one is teetering.
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00:05:00,585 --> 00:05:02,251
You know what...
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00:05:02,253 --> 00:05:03,853
I'm gonna sit down.
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00:05:03,855 --> 00:05:05,354
I'm done.
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00:05:05,356 --> 00:05:08,057
They just do this to me, okay?
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00:05:08,059 --> 00:05:10,159
You get the point.
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00:05:10,161 --> 00:05:11,994
UNCLE JACK:
Uh, Your Honor, I'll-I'll, uh,
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00:05:11,996 --> 00:05:13,396
I'll keep it brief.
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00:05:13,398 --> 00:05:16,099
I just have three things to say.
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00:05:16,101 --> 00:05:18,901
Uh, one:
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00:05:18,903 --> 00:05:22,572
Liam McPoyle
has a history of lying.
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00:05:22,574 --> 00:05:25,274
Two: My client
is a loving
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00:05:25,276 --> 00:05:27,844
family man.
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00:05:27,846 --> 00:05:30,046
And three:
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00:05:30,048 --> 00:05:32,415
He is innocent.
145
00:05:36,054 --> 00:05:38,054
Deandra Reynolds,
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00:05:38,056 --> 00:05:40,456
you were the one that
told the police that Bill had
147
00:05:40,458 --> 00:05:43,226
spiked the punch
with bath salts.
That's correct.
148
00:05:43,228 --> 00:05:45,294
But you didn't actually
see him do it, did you?
149
00:05:45,296 --> 00:05:48,197
No, I did not.
So is it possible that,
150
00:05:48,199 --> 00:05:51,367
given the traumatic nature
of the evening,
151
00:05:51,369 --> 00:05:53,569
that you don't
remember the evening
152
00:05:53,571 --> 00:05:55,571
all that well?
Yes, that's correct.
153
00:05:55,573 --> 00:05:57,540
My car was destroyed and I
was locked into a freezer.
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00:05:57,542 --> 00:05:59,208
My memory was
clouded by rage,
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00:05:59,210 --> 00:06:01,110
and so I misremembered
the incident.
156
00:06:01,112 --> 00:06:04,714
An understandable mistake.
Could happen to any one of us.
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00:06:04,716 --> 00:06:07,550
For example,
you remember me, possibly,
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00:06:07,552 --> 00:06:09,786
as a man with small hands.
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00:06:09,788 --> 00:06:11,387
Yeah, you think...
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00:06:11,389 --> 00:06:13,456
What...
you think,
"He had small hands."
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00:06:13,458 --> 00:06:14,557
Do you remember that?
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00:06:14,559 --> 00:06:15,758
Yeah, sure, okay.
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00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:18,227
What you remember is false.
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00:06:18,229 --> 00:06:19,328
O-Okay.
Yup.
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00:06:19,330 --> 00:06:21,297
Big, masculine.
166
00:06:21,299 --> 00:06:23,733
My hands tell a story
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00:06:23,735 --> 00:06:25,735
of greatness.
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00:06:25,737 --> 00:06:28,171
And when you look
at my right hand...
MELVOY: I'm gonna st...
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00:06:28,173 --> 00:06:30,006
uh, uh, I'm gonna stop you
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00:06:30,008 --> 00:06:31,307
right now.
Are you just gonna
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00:06:31,309 --> 00:06:33,075
talk about your hands
for a while?
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00:06:33,077 --> 00:06:35,278
Uh, no, Your Honor.
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00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:38,080
No more questions
for the witness.
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00:06:38,082 --> 00:06:39,816
(sighs)
Deandra,
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00:06:39,818 --> 00:06:42,151
here is the statement
that you gave
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00:06:42,153 --> 00:06:43,452
to police.
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00:06:43,454 --> 00:06:45,288
"Bill did it.
That goddamn drug addict
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00:06:45,290 --> 00:06:47,523
"is out of his mind.
I'll testify to that.
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00:06:47,525 --> 00:06:49,792
"I swear on my mother's
grave that Bill spiked
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00:06:49,794 --> 00:06:51,460
"that milk, no doubt about it.
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00:06:51,462 --> 00:06:53,963
He's guilty, guilty, guilty."
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00:06:53,965 --> 00:06:55,364
DEE:
Uh...
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00:06:55,366 --> 00:06:56,532
Have you ever had sex
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00:06:56,534 --> 00:06:58,935
with Bill before?
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00:06:58,937 --> 00:07:00,436
Yeah.
186
00:07:00,438 --> 00:07:02,038
Yes, sure.
Because we-we were...
187
00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:04,040
We had a... We were sort of...
188
00:07:04,042 --> 00:07:05,608
We were lovers for a little...
189
00:07:05,610 --> 00:07:07,476
One of his prostitutes, right.
190
00:07:07,478 --> 00:07:08,978
Prostitutes?
191
00:07:08,980 --> 00:07:13,115
Um, I have a receipt
for a mink coat,
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00:07:13,117 --> 00:07:14,784
recently purchased
by a Bill Ponderosa
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00:07:14,786 --> 00:07:18,788
to be delivered
to a Dee Reynolds.
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00:07:18,790 --> 00:07:20,723
A gift?
195
00:07:20,725 --> 00:07:23,159
Yes. I had a birthday.
196
00:07:23,161 --> 00:07:24,293
Six months ago.
197
00:07:24,295 --> 00:07:25,528
Uh...
Are you aware
198
00:07:25,530 --> 00:07:27,029
that the coat was purchased
199
00:07:27,031 --> 00:07:30,066
at Doyle McPoyle's
Trappings and Fur?
200
00:07:30,068 --> 00:07:31,334
No.
Or that the coat
201
00:07:31,336 --> 00:07:32,902
was not made of mink at all
202
00:07:32,904 --> 00:07:35,338
but rather made of... muskrat?
203
00:07:35,340 --> 00:07:38,407
Muskrat? Goddamn muskrat?
Are you kidding me,
204
00:07:38,409 --> 00:07:40,743
Bill? Okay, you know
what, fine, he spiked it.
205
00:07:40,745 --> 00:07:43,546
(murmuring)
I'm sorry. What did you say?
206
00:07:43,548 --> 00:07:45,414
He spiked it and then
he tried to bribe me.
207
00:07:45,416 --> 00:07:47,483
(groaning)
208
00:07:47,485 --> 00:07:49,652
No further questions,
Your Honor.
209
00:07:49,654 --> 00:07:52,889
Ma'am, do you know
what perjury is?
210
00:07:52,891 --> 00:07:55,157
Mm-hmm.
211
00:07:55,159 --> 00:07:56,993
CHARLIE:
Oh, this is terrible.
212
00:07:56,995 --> 00:07:58,494
Well, he shouldn't be ...
This is terrible.
213
00:07:58,496 --> 00:08:00,062
Wow, you guys are getting
crushed in there.
214
00:08:00,064 --> 00:08:01,898
Yeah. Oh, I know.
Hey, thanks, Mac. Hi. Great.
215
00:08:01,900 --> 00:08:04,033
Hey, you know, I feel like
I'm not being utilized properly.
216
00:08:04,035 --> 00:08:05,368
Well, that's 'cause
you don't have anything.
217
00:08:05,370 --> 00:08:06,903
So you're not being
utilized at all.
218
00:08:06,905 --> 00:08:08,905
Yeah, but what if I get
to deliver the bombshell?
219
00:08:08,907 --> 00:08:11,574
Oh.
What bombshell?
220
00:08:11,576 --> 00:08:14,010
You guys don't have
a bombshell? Oh, my God.
221
00:08:14,012 --> 00:08:16,045
Every good case
needs a bombshell.
222
00:08:16,047 --> 00:08:17,680
Oh, Jesus Christ,
and, without it,
223
00:08:17,682 --> 00:08:20,049
you're screwed. You know
what, you know what?
Okay.
224
00:08:20,051 --> 00:08:22,051
I'll find one for you. I'm
gonna do, like, a hero cop,
225
00:08:22,053 --> 00:08:23,619
Mark Fuhrman thing...
Oh, Mark Furhman.
No...
226
00:08:23,621 --> 00:08:24,854
and then sort of transition
into a Kato Kaelin.
227
00:08:24,856 --> 00:08:26,622
Yeah, I wish you
would do none of it.
228
00:08:26,624 --> 00:08:28,024
Okay. All right. Cool.
I wish you'd do none of it, man.
229
00:08:28,026 --> 00:08:29,458
I'm on it, I'm on it.
Shit.
Okay. All right.
230
00:08:29,460 --> 00:08:31,527
Ah, why can't people
just stay out of this?
231
00:08:31,529 --> 00:08:33,429
Yeah, look,
there's potentially...
That-That's my bird expert.
232
00:08:33,431 --> 00:08:36,032
He's from Penn. The guy... Like,
he's totally official, okay?
233
00:08:36,034 --> 00:08:38,367
Let me do the bird thing.
He's an ornithologist.
I don't think it's a good...
234
00:08:38,369 --> 00:08:39,902
I'm gonna kill, man.
I know, but, Charlie,
I'm just...
235
00:08:39,904 --> 00:08:41,203
Uncle Jack, put me
back on the stand.
What?
236
00:08:41,205 --> 00:08:42,805
No, we cannot.
Are you kidding me?
237
00:08:42,807 --> 00:08:44,273
You're lucky you didn't
get sent to jail.
238
00:08:44,275 --> 00:08:45,808
Yeah, I know.
But I think this could work.
239
00:08:45,810 --> 00:08:47,376
I'm gonna say
I found some bullshit online
240
00:08:47,378 --> 00:08:50,479
that proves
that lawyer's Jewish.
Oh.
241
00:08:50,481 --> 00:08:53,149
So what?
So what?
He'll be a laughingstock.
242
00:08:53,151 --> 00:08:55,384
(laughs)
Yes. Yes.
Right?
243
00:08:55,386 --> 00:08:57,153
Because the man is Jewish?
244
00:08:59,090 --> 00:09:01,824
No. What? No.
Not because he's...
Well, that's what
245
00:09:01,826 --> 00:09:04,293
it sounds like you're saying.
N-Not because he's Jewish.
Because he's a liar
246
00:09:04,295 --> 00:09:06,062
and because he's embarrassed
about being Jewish.
247
00:09:06,064 --> 00:09:07,396
I mean, what is that?
248
00:09:07,398 --> 00:09:09,065
Dee, you blew it.
Like, big-time.
249
00:09:09,067 --> 00:09:11,067
I wish you guys would just stay
out of this.
250
00:09:11,069 --> 00:09:12,568
I-I didn't... I-I...
(groans)
251
00:09:17,508 --> 00:09:20,509
Maureen, you are the sister
of Bill Ponderosa,
252
00:09:20,511 --> 00:09:23,479
and it was at your wedding
that Liam got attacked?
253
00:09:23,481 --> 00:09:25,781
Meow.
Mmm.
254
00:09:25,783 --> 00:09:29,185
Your Honor, nothing represents
the tragic aftermath
255
00:09:29,187 --> 00:09:32,288
more than the dramatic
transformation of this woman...
256
00:09:32,290 --> 00:09:34,991
Uh, cat.
Excuse me?
257
00:09:34,993 --> 00:09:36,659
As I transition
from woman to cat,
258
00:09:36,661 --> 00:09:40,429
I must insist on being
referred to as a cat.
259
00:09:40,431 --> 00:09:42,865
Objection.
She's not a cat, Your Honor.
260
00:09:42,867 --> 00:09:45,134
(hisses)
(gallery gasping)
261
00:09:45,136 --> 00:09:47,470
If the witness wants to consider
herself a cat, I will allow it.
262
00:09:47,472 --> 00:09:49,338
I just need to know
where all this is headed.
263
00:09:49,340 --> 00:09:50,973
How is this relevant?
264
00:09:50,975 --> 00:09:52,608
Well, it's clearly relevant
265
00:09:52,610 --> 00:09:54,710
the attack had
a psychological impact
266
00:09:54,712 --> 00:09:57,513
on all the parties
that evening.
267
00:09:57,515 --> 00:09:59,682
No further questions.
268
00:09:59,684 --> 00:10:03,119
Y-Your Honor, do you see what's
going on here? This is crazy.
269
00:10:03,121 --> 00:10:06,188
You know what, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna approach the bench.
No.
270
00:10:06,190 --> 00:10:08,457
Can I just approach it
real fast?
Absolutely not.
271
00:10:08,459 --> 00:10:11,193
All right, earlier, you-you
referred to my ex-wife as a cat,
272
00:10:11,195 --> 00:10:14,196
per her request. Uh, now,
surely, you wouldn't force a man
273
00:10:14,198 --> 00:10:16,198
to pay alimony to a cat, right?
274
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:19,301
So motion to establish me not
having to pay alimony anymore.
275
00:10:19,303 --> 00:10:21,837
I will not allow that.
Okay, well, so can we just...
we'll pop it on the docket?
276
00:10:21,839 --> 00:10:23,806
We can put it at the end
of the day if you want.
277
00:10:23,808 --> 00:10:25,908
I just want to clear it up
while I got her in a courtroom.
278
00:10:25,910 --> 00:10:28,377
I will not allow that, either.
Sit down.
279
00:10:28,379 --> 00:10:30,379
Now you don't allow something.
Now you don't allow something!
280
00:10:30,381 --> 00:10:32,481
Allow all this.
You gonna allow that?
281
00:10:32,483 --> 00:10:36,185
You know? But you don't...
Okay, I'm good. Goddamn it.
282
00:10:36,187 --> 00:10:37,753
UNCLE JACK:
Frank,
283
00:10:37,755 --> 00:10:40,089
did you go to the wedding?
I did.
284
00:10:40,091 --> 00:10:42,892
And I snuck Ryan up in
the trunk of my car.
285
00:10:42,894 --> 00:10:46,395
He hadn't been invited to
the wedding, on account
of the beef with Liam.
286
00:10:46,397 --> 00:10:49,265
And I had him in the trunk
of the car, on account of I
didn't want to sit with him
287
00:10:49,267 --> 00:10:50,699
'cause he's gross.
Right.
288
00:10:50,701 --> 00:10:53,436
(chuckles)
And, uh, uh,
289
00:10:53,438 --> 00:10:56,939
what did Ryan say to you
when you got to the wedding?
290
00:10:56,941 --> 00:10:59,341
"I'm gonna kill
Maureen Ponderosa."
291
00:10:59,343 --> 00:11:03,679
So, if there's someone to point
the finger at, it would be...
292
00:11:03,681 --> 00:11:05,881
his brother!
(gallery gasping)
293
00:11:05,883 --> 00:11:09,285
Oh, my God! Oh, my
God, nobody look!
294
00:11:09,287 --> 00:11:11,720
Nobody look! Nobody look!
295
00:11:11,722 --> 00:11:14,290
Nobody look!
Nobody look!
296
00:11:14,292 --> 00:11:15,958
Nobody look!
297
00:11:17,395 --> 00:11:18,861
Now, you've stabbed
298
00:11:18,863 --> 00:11:20,629
your brother before, correct?
299
00:11:20,631 --> 00:11:22,398
Oh, sure.
300
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:23,899
And you were upset
at the wedding.
301
00:11:23,901 --> 00:11:27,736
So it's not crazy
for me to ask you this.
302
00:11:27,738 --> 00:11:31,307
Ryan McPoyle, did you attack
your brother at the wedding?
303
00:11:31,309 --> 00:11:34,577
Oh. I'm not Ryan.
304
00:11:34,579 --> 00:11:37,646
What, you're not?
Nope.
305
00:11:37,648 --> 00:11:40,649
I'm Lion. Like the animal.
306
00:11:40,651 --> 00:11:42,218
Lion McPoyle.
307
00:11:42,220 --> 00:11:44,386
Wh-Why are you on the stand?
308
00:11:44,388 --> 00:11:45,988
Because you said "his brother"
309
00:11:45,990 --> 00:11:48,090
and threw your big fake hand
at me.
310
00:11:48,092 --> 00:11:50,659
O-Okay.
Ryan's at home with Liam,
taking care of his infected eye.
311
00:11:50,661 --> 00:11:52,294
Okay, uh, uh, boy, let's, uh,
312
00:11:52,296 --> 00:11:55,297
str-strike that, uh,
hand comment from the record.
313
00:11:55,299 --> 00:11:57,733
Uh, would you happen to know
314
00:11:57,735 --> 00:11:59,902
if Ryan stabbed his brother
in the eye?
315
00:11:59,904 --> 00:12:01,804
Oh, yeah. I know.
He totally did it.
316
00:12:01,806 --> 00:12:03,906
(gallery murmuring)
Well, then I guess
317
00:12:03,908 --> 00:12:06,442
we will never know,
ladies and gentlemen.
318
00:12:06,444 --> 00:12:08,177
Uncle Jack,
he just confessed!
319
00:12:08,179 --> 00:12:09,812
He did?
Yes!
320
00:12:09,814 --> 00:12:12,081
Yeah, Ryan stabbed Liam.
I totally saw it.
321
00:12:12,083 --> 00:12:13,983
Oh, my God! We won!
322
00:12:13,985 --> 00:12:15,251
(light cheering and applause)
323
00:12:15,253 --> 00:12:16,285
We-- you did it.
324
00:12:16,287 --> 00:12:18,187
We did it.
How did I do it?
325
00:12:18,189 --> 00:12:21,090
Lion, was Ryan drinking milk
at the wedding?
326
00:12:21,092 --> 00:12:22,791
Of course. Everyone was.
327
00:12:22,793 --> 00:12:26,128
So who did the stabbing
doesn't matter, Your Honor,
328
00:12:26,130 --> 00:12:28,164
because they were all
still drugged
329
00:12:28,166 --> 00:12:31,167
on Bill Ponderosa's spiked milk,
330
00:12:31,169 --> 00:12:34,270
which is the point I've been
trying to make the entire time.
331
00:12:34,272 --> 00:12:37,873
So just to be clear,
you've proven my case.
332
00:12:37,875 --> 00:12:40,042
You lose.
333
00:12:40,044 --> 00:12:43,479
(gallery groaning)
(sighs)
I can't follow any of this.
334
00:12:43,481 --> 00:12:46,649
What?
Guys, I got it.
335
00:12:46,651 --> 00:12:48,284
You-you got what?
336
00:12:48,286 --> 00:12:50,786
I got the bombshell.
337
00:12:50,788 --> 00:12:52,788
UNCLE JACK:
Okay, Mr. McDonald,
338
00:12:52,790 --> 00:12:56,458
you recently found out some
very interesting information.
339
00:12:56,460 --> 00:12:58,627
Care to share it with the court?
340
00:12:58,629 --> 00:13:00,963
Yes. I've recently been informed
341
00:13:00,965 --> 00:13:05,367
that Ryan McPoyle
only drinks mother's milk!
342
00:13:05,369 --> 00:13:07,469
(gallery gasping, murmuring)
Which means there's no way
343
00:13:07,471 --> 00:13:10,539
he could have drank the
milk that Bill spiked,
344
00:13:10,541 --> 00:13:13,142
which means he was sober
when he attacked his brother,
345
00:13:13,144 --> 00:13:14,877
which means Bill is innocent!
346
00:13:14,879 --> 00:13:17,513
Case closed! Kaboom!
347
00:13:17,515 --> 00:13:19,582
Bombshell!
348
00:13:19,584 --> 00:13:21,050
(laughs)
349
00:13:21,052 --> 00:13:22,751
I did it. I did it,
black judge. I did it.
350
00:13:22,753 --> 00:13:25,688
Mr.... Mr. McDonald, how did you
come upon this information?
351
00:13:25,690 --> 00:13:28,324
Oh, I banged Margaret McPoyle.
I'm curious
352
00:13:28,326 --> 00:13:31,594
how she told you,
because Margaret is a mute.
353
00:13:31,596 --> 00:13:35,097
Well, guess what, smart guy,
I had her write it down.
354
00:13:35,099 --> 00:13:40,069
One more thing, Your Honor.
Margaret, you carry a picture
355
00:13:40,071 --> 00:13:42,504
of Mother with you at
all times, don't you?
356
00:13:42,506 --> 00:13:44,640
Do you mind showing
that to the court?
357
00:13:48,079 --> 00:13:50,312
(gallery gasping)
358
00:13:52,450 --> 00:13:54,049
LAWYER:
Your Honor,
359
00:13:54,051 --> 00:13:56,852
Mother is the name
of the McPoyle family cow.
360
00:13:56,854 --> 00:13:59,221
The cow that provided the milk
for the wedding.
361
00:13:59,223 --> 00:14:01,357
The milk that was drugged by...
362
00:14:01,359 --> 00:14:04,693
Bill Ponderosa.
363
00:14:04,695 --> 00:14:07,696
That mute bitch
lied to me for sex.
364
00:14:07,698 --> 00:14:09,431
Bombshell diffused.
365
00:14:09,433 --> 00:14:11,267
Abramowitz!
(gallery murmuring)
366
00:14:11,269 --> 00:14:15,037
Your great-grandmother's
last name was Abramowitz.
367
00:14:15,039 --> 00:14:16,939
I found it
on an ancestry Web site.
368
00:14:16,941 --> 00:14:23,379
That makes you a dirty liar
because you are Jewish.
369
00:14:23,381 --> 00:14:25,147
(gallery groaning and murmuring)
370
00:14:25,149 --> 00:14:27,549
Okay, I...
That came out kind of bad.
371
00:14:27,551 --> 00:14:29,885
I-I'm not disgusted
by the Jewish part.
372
00:14:29,887 --> 00:14:31,987
It's the... it's the lying part
that I was talking about.
373
00:14:31,989 --> 00:14:35,457
This dirty liar is a Jew...
374
00:14:35,459 --> 00:14:37,459
ish man.
375
00:14:37,461 --> 00:14:39,461
Recess?
376
00:14:39,463 --> 00:14:41,297
CHARLIE:
Oh, God!
377
00:14:41,299 --> 00:14:43,098
Oh, that stupid Dee.
All right, calm down, calm down.
378
00:14:43,100 --> 00:14:44,967
Look, as the great
Johnnie Cochran once said,
379
00:14:44,969 --> 00:14:46,802
if the glove
doesn't fit, give up.
380
00:14:46,804 --> 00:14:48,737
That's not what he
said! That's not...
It...
381
00:14:48,739 --> 00:14:50,239
How are you a
lawyer, Jack?
All right...
382
00:14:50,241 --> 00:14:52,174
I mean, I know more than
you. All right, look...
383
00:14:52,176 --> 00:14:53,976
Watch your voice.
Watch your voice.
Okay, okay, let's just...
384
00:14:53,978 --> 00:14:55,611
let me do my bird
thing. Okay, Bill,
385
00:14:55,613 --> 00:14:57,279
I want to do the bird thing.
Can we just do it...?
386
00:14:57,281 --> 00:14:58,847
Yeah, that's great. No,
let's do the bird thing.
387
00:14:58,849 --> 00:15:00,582
You're good
with it now? Okay.
Love it, yeah.
388
00:15:00,584 --> 00:15:02,818
Jesus, son, what'd
you cut this with?
Shut up, bitch.
389
00:15:02,820 --> 00:15:04,987
Son? Your... This is...
Your son is your dealer?
390
00:15:04,989 --> 00:15:06,322
He's reliable.
391
00:15:06,324 --> 00:15:08,123
Oh, God. Frank, what
are you doing, man?
392
00:15:08,125 --> 00:15:10,259
Come on, reign it in.
I paid for it.
393
00:15:10,261 --> 00:15:12,695
I'm gonna do it.
Hey, fat ass,
this asshole's short 30 bucks.
394
00:15:12,697 --> 00:15:14,997
Go steal another set of my
golf clubs, you piece of shit.
395
00:15:14,999 --> 00:15:17,032
(bleep) you.
Piss off.
396
00:15:17,034 --> 00:15:18,967
Guys, guys, we're doing
the bird theory, all right?
All right.
397
00:15:18,969 --> 00:15:21,003
All right.
All right. All right.
I'm taking the lead here, okay?
398
00:15:21,005 --> 00:15:22,771
Yeah.
All right, let's do it.
Birds on three.
399
00:15:22,773 --> 00:15:24,873
ALL:
One, two, three. Birds!
Those are just ridiculous, man.
400
00:15:24,875 --> 00:15:27,876
It's like three hands...
like eight hands out there.
Yeah.
401
00:15:27,878 --> 00:15:29,678
CHARLIE:
Your Honor,
402
00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:31,547
this is the McPoyle
family crest.
403
00:15:31,549 --> 00:15:34,116
On it you will find a bird--
404
00:15:34,118 --> 00:15:36,685
a Pocono swallow,
to be more accurate.
405
00:15:36,687 --> 00:15:38,387
A very rare,
very elusive bird.
406
00:15:38,389 --> 00:15:39,888
You'll notice
its trademark
407
00:15:39,890 --> 00:15:43,359
unibrow, highly uncommon
in most aviary circles.
408
00:15:43,361 --> 00:15:44,960
And my research shows
409
00:15:44,962 --> 00:15:47,963
that unlike your typical
North American barn swallow,
410
00:15:47,965 --> 00:15:50,866
the Pocono swallow, if kept
under the proper conditions,
411
00:15:50,868 --> 00:15:53,869
can live as long as 80
to even 85 years,
412
00:15:53,871 --> 00:15:55,571
much like a parrot
413
00:15:55,573 --> 00:15:58,073
or some of the more resilient
coastal gulls.
414
00:15:58,075 --> 00:16:00,909
Your Honor,
where is this going?
415
00:16:00,911 --> 00:16:04,546
I don't know, but it'd
better lead somewhere fast.
416
00:16:04,548 --> 00:16:05,914
Your Honor, I can assure you
417
00:16:05,916 --> 00:16:07,416
that this will be
our final argument.
418
00:16:07,418 --> 00:16:09,218
Well, if it's gonna help
end all of this madness,
419
00:16:09,220 --> 00:16:10,652
I'll allow it.
420
00:16:10,654 --> 00:16:12,020
Thank you, Your Honor.
421
00:16:12,022 --> 00:16:13,922
Now, there was another member
422
00:16:13,924 --> 00:16:15,758
of the McPoyle family clan
at the wedding
423
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:17,226
the night of the incident.
424
00:16:17,228 --> 00:16:19,561
A member
that none of us have met.
425
00:16:19,563 --> 00:16:21,730
Certainly not anyone
on this side of the aisle.
426
00:16:21,732 --> 00:16:25,401
A one Mr. Royal McPoyle.
427
00:16:25,403 --> 00:16:28,504
A bird. The McPoyle family's
428
00:16:28,506 --> 00:16:31,240
pet Pocono swallow,
and my research shows
429
00:16:31,242 --> 00:16:32,775
that this particular
Pocono swallow
430
00:16:32,777 --> 00:16:35,110
has a history of violence.
431
00:16:35,112 --> 00:16:38,013
Look into the gallery, and
you will see Royal's victims.
432
00:16:38,015 --> 00:16:40,449
It took Margaret's
vocal cords in 1999,
433
00:16:40,451 --> 00:16:42,451
leaving her mute.
434
00:16:42,453 --> 00:16:44,453
Keith McPoyle lost his eyes
and his ears
435
00:16:44,455 --> 00:16:46,855
to it in '76,
and we all know
436
00:16:46,857 --> 00:16:49,291
that according to bird law,
it's three strikes,
437
00:16:49,293 --> 00:16:51,126
and you're out.
438
00:16:51,128 --> 00:16:53,629
Bye, bye, birdie.
439
00:16:53,631 --> 00:16:56,465
Ready, boys and girls, because
here's where it gets good.
440
00:16:56,467 --> 00:16:59,201
Ryan McPoyle didn't
attack Liam. Royal did.
441
00:16:59,203 --> 00:17:02,037
And Lion was lying about
Ryan attacking Liam
442
00:17:02,039 --> 00:17:03,639
to protect Royal
from the chair.
443
00:17:03,641 --> 00:17:05,207
Or lethal injection.
444
00:17:05,209 --> 00:17:07,042
Or perhaps some sort of
small bird guillotine.
445
00:17:07,044 --> 00:17:08,744
I wouldn't understand
the physics of it.
446
00:17:08,746 --> 00:17:10,479
I'm not an executioner.
447
00:17:10,481 --> 00:17:13,682
I'm just the best goddamn
bird lawyer in the world.
448
00:17:15,486 --> 00:17:17,653
So, bottom line-- and
listen up, numbnuts,
449
00:17:17,655 --> 00:17:20,556
'cause it blows a
hole in your case--
450
00:17:20,558 --> 00:17:23,425
birds don't drink milk.
451
00:17:23,427 --> 00:17:25,127
Objection, Your Honor.
(gallery groaning)
452
00:17:25,129 --> 00:17:27,763
There's no Royal McPoyle.
453
00:17:27,765 --> 00:17:30,899
Perhaps, or perhaps not.
454
00:17:30,901 --> 00:17:35,170
Your Honor, I call Pappy McPoyle
to the stand.
455
00:17:35,172 --> 00:17:39,141
Pappy McPoyle, patriarch
of the McPoyle family.
456
00:17:39,143 --> 00:17:42,678
Royal was your pet bird. You've
had him since you were a boy.
457
00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:45,581
And isn't it true that you never
go anywhere without him?
458
00:17:45,583 --> 00:17:47,316
(crying):
Yeah. Yeah.
459
00:17:47,318 --> 00:17:49,284
I have seen...
460
00:17:49,286 --> 00:17:51,620
raccoons and oysters dancing...
461
00:17:51,622 --> 00:17:53,822
in the head of a pin
with the angels.
462
00:17:53,824 --> 00:17:55,524
They are laughing.
463
00:17:55,526 --> 00:17:57,192
LAWYER:
All right, Your Honor,
464
00:17:57,194 --> 00:17:59,428
clearly, this witness
is mentally unwell
465
00:17:59,430 --> 00:18:01,997
and cannot answer any
of the questions properly...
466
00:18:01,999 --> 00:18:04,633
Uh, perhaps, Your Honor,
or-or perhaps it's just a cover.
467
00:18:04,635 --> 00:18:06,335
But it's quite all right.
468
00:18:06,337 --> 00:18:08,337
I don't have
any further questions.
469
00:18:08,339 --> 00:18:10,305
Oh, except one more.
470
00:18:10,307 --> 00:18:14,343
Didn't the bailiff ask everyone
to remove their hats?
471
00:18:15,613 --> 00:18:16,845
That is true.
472
00:18:16,847 --> 00:18:18,547
Mr. McPoyle,
473
00:18:18,549 --> 00:18:20,616
would you please
remove your hat?
474
00:18:20,618 --> 00:18:24,386
Hmm...
Mr. McPoyle,
please remove your hat.
475
00:18:24,388 --> 00:18:26,955
Perhaps he is too insane
to understand the question.
476
00:18:26,957 --> 00:18:29,391
Why don't I just...?
477
00:18:29,393 --> 00:18:31,527
(squawk)
478
00:18:31,529 --> 00:18:33,862
(gallery groans, gasps, shouts)
479
00:18:33,864 --> 00:18:36,131
Ladies and gentlemen,
Royal McPoyle.
480
00:18:36,133 --> 00:18:37,399
(squawks)
481
00:18:37,401 --> 00:18:38,800
Chickadee, dee, dee,
little birdie.
482
00:18:38,802 --> 00:18:40,202
Let's dance.
483
00:18:40,204 --> 00:18:42,070
Your Honor, this is
Mr. Belka Maier.
484
00:18:42,072 --> 00:18:44,206
He's a professor of ornithology
at the University of Penn.
485
00:18:44,208 --> 00:18:45,707
Mr. Maier, it's
safe to say
486
00:18:45,709 --> 00:18:47,643
you're a bit of an
expert on birds, yes?
487
00:18:47,645 --> 00:18:49,378
I believe you're correct.
488
00:18:49,380 --> 00:18:51,380
And you would understand this
Pocono swallow quite well,
489
00:18:51,382 --> 00:18:52,881
wouldn't you?
Yes, I do.
490
00:18:52,883 --> 00:18:55,250
Then please ask it
if it attacked Liam!
491
00:18:55,252 --> 00:18:57,853
Ask... if... What?
492
00:18:57,855 --> 00:18:59,655
CHARLIE: Mr. Maier, I would
like you to please talk
493
00:18:59,657 --> 00:19:02,925
to the bird and say, "Did
you attack Liam McPoyle?!"
494
00:19:02,927 --> 00:19:06,228
(laughing):
I can't converse with...
with a bird.
495
00:19:06,230 --> 00:19:08,997
Well, I thought you
were an expert on birds.
I am an expert on birds, but...
496
00:19:08,999 --> 00:19:10,899
Well, I need you to
communicate with the bird.
497
00:19:10,901 --> 00:19:12,935
This is very important,
and I need to...
MAIER: But it's a...
498
00:19:12,937 --> 00:19:14,403
(laughs)
499
00:19:14,405 --> 00:19:16,171
Well, this is
a bit embarrassing, Your Honor.
500
00:19:16,173 --> 00:19:18,006
Perhaps this man
has lied about his credentials.
501
00:19:18,008 --> 00:19:21,543
Uh, fortunately, I am familiar
with a little bit of pigeon.
502
00:19:21,545 --> 00:19:24,746
Perhaps I can
get through to it in some way.
503
00:19:24,748 --> 00:19:27,215
(cooing)
504
00:19:27,217 --> 00:19:28,750
LAWYER:
Okay.
505
00:19:28,752 --> 00:19:30,419
Your Honor, this is nonsense.
506
00:19:30,421 --> 00:19:32,554
Look, kitty.
(mews)
507
00:19:32,556 --> 00:19:34,556
Yeah, kitty.
Chase the laser beam, kitty.
(gallery gasping and murmuring)
508
00:19:34,558 --> 00:19:36,625
Order.
Your Honor, you've got
a man speaking to a bird.
509
00:19:36,627 --> 00:19:38,560
And yet, you refuse to rule
510
00:19:38,562 --> 00:19:41,129
on me having
to pay alimony to this cat.
511
00:19:41,131 --> 00:19:42,564
What is this?!
Order!
512
00:19:42,566 --> 00:19:43,732
It's a mockery of
justice, Your Honor.
513
00:19:43,734 --> 00:19:45,801
This is ridiculous, and this...
514
00:19:45,803 --> 00:19:49,037
I said, order!
(gallery clamoring)
515
00:19:49,039 --> 00:19:50,973
LAWYER:
He's talking to the pigeon!
516
00:19:50,975 --> 00:19:53,075
I'm not paying alimony
to a goddamn cat!
517
00:19:53,077 --> 00:19:55,544
Order!
I want order in this court!
518
00:19:55,546 --> 00:19:57,112
Fly, my pet!
519
00:19:57,114 --> 00:19:58,480
Fly!
520
00:19:58,482 --> 00:20:00,449
(bird squawking,
people screaming)
521
00:20:00,451 --> 00:20:02,317
Bring me their eyes!
522
00:20:02,319 --> 00:20:04,052
(laughing)
523
00:20:04,054 --> 00:20:07,322
(screaming, shouting)
524
00:20:07,324 --> 00:20:08,657
Bring them to me!
525
00:20:08,659 --> 00:20:09,658
(laughing)
526
00:20:09,660 --> 00:20:10,726
Oh!
527
00:20:10,728 --> 00:20:12,694
(clamoring)
528
00:20:19,937 --> 00:20:21,603
MELVOY:
In my 35 years on this bench,
I have never seen
529
00:20:21,605 --> 00:20:23,405
such a mockery made
of this courtroom.
530
00:20:23,407 --> 00:20:26,908
You people have wasted my time,
531
00:20:26,910 --> 00:20:28,744
you've wasted
the taxpayers' time,
532
00:20:28,746 --> 00:20:31,813
and this justice
has heard enough.
533
00:20:31,815 --> 00:20:33,248
I am throwing this case out.
534
00:20:33,250 --> 00:20:34,750
I should've
done it hours ago.
535
00:20:34,752 --> 00:20:36,084
He's throwing it out!
That means we win!
536
00:20:36,086 --> 00:20:37,619
That means we win!
That means we won!
537
00:20:37,621 --> 00:20:40,155
Damn, damn, damn!
538
00:20:40,157 --> 00:20:41,690
Order.
539
00:20:41,692 --> 00:20:44,359
Eat that!
Damn it!
540
00:20:44,361 --> 00:20:45,360
Order!
541
00:20:45,362 --> 00:20:47,763
This court has ruled.
542
00:20:47,765 --> 00:20:49,665
Now, I suggest
543
00:20:49,667 --> 00:20:51,667
that you people get
the hell out of my courtroom
544
00:20:51,669 --> 00:20:53,435
before I put you all in jail.
545
00:20:53,437 --> 00:20:54,870
You got it!
Get out!
546
00:20:54,872 --> 00:20:56,772
Bailiff, next case.
547
00:20:56,774 --> 00:20:59,141
Ridiculous.
548
00:20:59,143 --> 00:21:00,776
We have Morgan State Delivery
549
00:21:00,778 --> 00:21:03,145
v. the proprietors
of one Paddy's Pub.
550
00:21:03,147 --> 00:21:06,148
Oh! That's us. Yeah,
that's us, Your Honor.
Oh, that's us. Oh!
551
00:21:06,150 --> 00:21:08,050
Oh, hell no! Uh-uh.
552
00:21:08,052 --> 00:21:09,718
All right.
Uh-uh!
553
00:21:45,823 --> 00:21:47,222
(trumpet playing off-key)
554
00:21:47,224 --> 00:21:48,724
Brown.