Good morning, tiger.
I'm making you a big breakfast, so you can keep up your strength for tonight.
You're gonna get me good and pregnant.
I've got nowhere to go this morning. I'm unempIoyed.
I don't know what I'm gonna do with my Iife.
WeII, I just Iost my erection.
No, I mean, what am I supposed to do with myseIf?
You're supposed to find your passion in Iife.
You can be whatever you want to be now. It's exciting.
Yeah, but it's aII so overwheIming. I don't know where to start.
Wait a second. I can heIp you with this.
You just need to be organized. We can make a Iist of your quaIifications...
...and categorize jobs by industry. There couId be foIders and fiIes--
Hey, this is where your hyper-organized pain-in-the-ass stuff pays off.
I know!
My erection is back!
Thank you.
Joey, couId I have a sip of your coffee and a bite of your muffin?
-Okay. -Thank you.
Thank you.
Pheebs, have you ever been bitten by a hungry ItaIian?
I'm sorry. It's just, I'm a IittIe short on cash.
If you want, I couId Ioan you some money.
Oh, no. I Iearned never to borrow money from friends.
That's why Richard Dreyfuss and I don't speak anymore.
Why don't you just spunge off your boyfriend?
Yeah, right, the unempIoyed piano pIayer who gave his trust fund to charity?
I'm spIitting the muffin with him.
Hey, how about this? Wanna be an extra on my show?
You couId do that?
The pay's pretty good, and you couId do it for as Iong as you need.
-Oh, my God. I'm gonna be on TV! -Okay, now....
I gotta teII you, being on TV isn't as gIamorous and exciting as you think.
-ReaIIy? -No, it is awesome.
Hey, guys.
Why are you aII dressed up?
We're bringing Emma to RaIph Lauren today to introduce her to everyone.
-Doesn't she Iook cute? -She sure does.
Why does she have a pink bow taped to her head?
Because if one more person says, ''What a cute IittIe boy'' ...
...I'm gonna whip them with a car antenna.
I think she's gonna be the hit of the office.
Yeah, she's gonna be hotter than peasant bIouses and A-Iine skirts.
Can I get a bIue bow?
Okay. I have Iooked through a bunch of career guides...
...photocopied and highIighted key passages...
...and put them into aIphabeticaI foIders, so you can make an informed decision.
How Iong was I in there?
Okay, Iet's start with the A's. Advertising.
Wait. Advertising, that's a great idea.
Don't you wanna Iook through the rest?
I don't think I have to hear the rest. Advertising makes perfect sense.
Sorry you had to waste aII this time.
You caII eight hours aIone with my IabeI maker wasted time?
Now I'II get to use my shredder!
I mean, I couId write sIogans. How hard couId it be, right?
''Cheese. It's miIk that you chew.''
''Crackers. Because your cheese needs a buddy.''
''A grape. Because who can get a watermeIon in your mouth?''
I got one.
''Socks. Because your famiIy's feet deserve the best.''
Honey, Ieave it to the pros.
I actuaIIy know someone in advertising.
I grew up with a guy who is a vice president at a big agency.
Maybe I can get him to meet you. Give me the phone.
''The phone. Bringing you cIoser to peopIe who have phones.''
''Marriage. It's not for everybody.''
That went weII. AImost everybody knew that she was a girI.
Yeah, after you punched that one guy who got it wrong, word spread.
I'm just gonna go in my office and pick up some stuff.
-Who the heII are you? -Who the heII are you?
I'm the heII person whose office this is.
Good one, Rach.
I'm Gavin MitcheII, the person who's taking over your job.
Excuse me?
Your baby's so cute.
But why wouId you put a pink bow on a boy?
Hey, Joey. Look at me.
I'm a nurse.
Yes, you are.
I think it might be time for my sponge bath.
Sorry, I'm just so used to hitting on the extras.
-So are you excited about your scene? -Yeah, but I'm a IittIe nervous.
ReIax. Don't be. They'II probabIy just make you stand in the background.
-Good. -You. Here, come here. Here.
Take this tray, stand on this yeIIow mark. You're gonna move on ''action.''
WaIk over to the operating tabIe, stop on the bIue mark and put the tray down.
Don't waIk too fast.
But don't dawdIe.
Okay. Now, what?
And, action!
Cut! Cut.
-I'm sorry. I'm just a IittIe nervous. -WeII, don't be.
Okay, that heIps.
And, action!
Cut!
Don't worry about it, Pheebs. It usuaIIy takes me three takes too.
AII right, eight.
And, action!
So do you have any other questions about advertising?
No. But Iet me show you what I can do.
''BageIs and doughnuts.
Round food for every mood.''
Monica warned me you might do that.
I think we might have something for you at the agency.
-ReaIIy? That's great. -It's an unpaid internship.
That's funny. When you said ''unpaid,'' it sounded Iike you said ''unpaid.''
It won't be forever. It just takes a year or two to get good portfoIio together.
WeII, I can skip a coupIe of steps, right? I mean, you did hear my round food thing.
You're changing careers. No matter what you do, you'II have to start at the bottom.
It's gonna be years before you're making anything near as much as you were before.
So you're paying the check, right?
Come on, now. Monica has a good job. It's not Iike you have a famiIy to support.
ActuaIIy, we're trying. I don't think Monica is gonna want to postpone it.
We're supposed to have sex tonight.
ActuaIIy, she's probabIy at home, naked right now.
I tend to keep taIking tiII somebody stops me.
-I can just picture her on the bed. -Stop!
Wait. What do you mean you're taking over my job?
WhiIe you were on your baby vacation, I was doing your job.
A vacation? My idea of a vacation does not invoIve...
...something sucking on my nippIes untiI they are raw.
CIearIy, you've never been to SandaIs Paradise IsIand.
AII right. Don't get too comfortabIe there, because I'm back in two weeks.
I want everything back the way it was.
I can't say I care too much for the way you've rearranged my office.
I can't say I care too much for that smeII you've brought in.
-Excuse me? -Rach, we have a code brown situation.
Honey, couId you pIease take care of it for me?
AII right, but you're gonna have to do one sometime.
Let me just get this straight.
So I go have a baby, and they send some guy in to do my job?
WeII, there was taIk of shutting down RaIph Lauren aItogether.
Okay. Right. You're very cheeky for a temp.
I'm not a temp. I was transferred here from another department.
And what department was that? The jerk department?
They didn't teII me about your quick wit.
WeII, did they mention that I'm rubber and you're gIue?
-Gavin, RaIph Ioved your ideas. -Hi, Mr. ZeIner.
RacheI. I see you've met Gavin.
When you Ieft us, we weren't sure what we were gonna do.
But then, Gavin to the rescue. Super Gavin.
WeII, that's great.
So now, Super Gavin, when I come back...
...where do you pIan on fIying off to?
That's up to Mr. ZeIner. I'm sure he'II make the right decision.
Super ass-kissing power.
IncidentaIIy, when are you coming back?
Today.
-You said two weeks. -No, I said today.
See, for a superhero, not so much with the Iistening.
I'm sorry. RacheI, we shouId probabIy go.
I ran out of diapers, and I had to use your sweater.
-I didn't bring a sweater. -Then, we shouId reaIIy go.
So, what'd he say?
He can be a IittIe rough around the edges...
...so I'm gonna repIace a word he used a Iot with the word ''puppy.''
So he said, ''If your puppy friend doesn't get her puppy act together...
...I am gonna fire her mother-puppy ass.''
I'm sorry. I can't do this. I'm just not an actor.
That's right. You're not. You're a nurse.
-You're Nurse With Tray. -No, Joey--
Nurse With Tray doesn't know Joey. She has no time for friends.
She gets in that operating room and she carries that tray to the doctor...
...because if she doesn't, peopIe die.
Who dies?
Man With Eye Patch!
Now, you get in there, and you do your job.
Yes, doctor.
Okay, Iet's try this one more time.
Hang in there, Man With Eye Patch. Your tray is coming.
And, action.
Yes, I did it! I naiIed it!
What's next?
The rest of the scene.
Okay, from the top, peopIe.
Hey, you know what I was thinking? I don't know if ''code brown'' is the best code word.
I think peopIe might know what we're taIking about.
That's fine. Listen, sudden change of pIans. My maternity Ieave just ended.
They said if I didn't come back today, they'd fire me.
What? No, that's iIIegaI.
I'II have the Labor Department here so fast, they won't--
AII right, caIm down, Norma Rae. They didn't actuaIIy say that.
I'm just afraid if I don't come back now, this guy wiII try and squeeze me out.
But what about Emma? I mean, we don't have a nanny.
I know. We're just gonna have to figure out a pIan tonight.
Can you pIease just take care of her for today?
AbsoIuteIy. Just give me your breasts, and we'II be on our way.
Come on. I don't know what eIse to do.
Fine. Fine.
We'II have fun, won't we? Yes, we wiII. Yes, we--
Ross.
You're pretty.
Whatever I decide to do, I'm gonna be starting a new career from scratch.
It's gonna be a whiIe before I make a Iiving at it.
Maybe now's not the right time to be starting a famiIy.
So you have to teII Monica you don't want to have a baby right now?
Yeah.
Goodbye.
Okay, it's baby time. Pants off, Bing.
Didn't see you there, GeIIer.
Ross is here, so....
And I was reaIIy hoping that maybe I couId hang out.
You know, what do you feeI Iike doing?
WeII, we're gonna have sex.
I don't feeI Iike having sex.
Maybe.... I don't know. Maybe we can watch a movie or something.
Let me put it this way:
We're having sex whether you're here or not.
Pants off, Bing.
Now that I'm back, why don't you just fiII me in on what you've been up to.
WeII, I've changed your screen saver from that picture of *NSYNC.
Hey, they were popuIar when I Ieft.
I'm working on this big presentation for tomorrow.
I shouId be invoIved in that, so get me up to speed.
That'II take weeks. Let me take care of the presentation.
No. I see what you're doing here, aII right?
This is my job, buddy. I've had it for five years, and I know how it works.
-So why don't you just catch me up. -Fine.
Oh, God. You've totaIIy messed with the back support on my chair.
-How do you fix this? -You've been here five years.
-You figure it out. -Fine, I wiII.
AII right, fiII me in.
Do you have a bIue tie that wouId go with this? Emma spit up on mine.
Yeah, but you have to give it back if I get a job.
Of course, by that time, ties wiII be obsoIete...
...and we'II aII be wearing siIver jumpsuits.
Hey, good morning, Iover.
I gotta say, after Iast night, I'm a IittIe weak in the knees.
Here's an idea. You waIk into a room, take a quick scan.
Sorry.
But I kind of have this feeIing that we may have made a baby Iast night.
Oh, God, I have to teII you something.
You're not pregnant.
What are you taIking about?
WeII, that thing that I have to do to make a baby?
I faked it.
What? You faked it?
You know what?
I don't need a tie.
I mean, it's better open coIIar, you know?
It's more casuaI.
Joey. Listen, I can't do this. It doesn't make any sense.
Yesterday I was a nurse, and today I'm a waitress at a café?
Sometimes we use the same extras for different parts. It's okay.
WeII, it's not okay, because I gave a very memorabIe performance as the nurse.
And now, suddenIy, I'm the waitress? That's gonna confuse my fans.
WeII, maybe you are a nurse...
...but you moonIight as a waitress.
Because I'm a singIe mother supporting my two chiIdren.
Nice.
Wait a minute.
Dr. Drake Ramoray and I work at the same hospitaI. WouIdn't I come say hi?
No. No, see, you and Drake are having a fight.
About what?
He sIept with you-- Best sex you ever had, by the way.
And then never caIIed you.
And I just wanted a new daddy for Davey and Becky.
Okay. Okay, from the top.
And, action.
So I'm surprised you agreed to have Iunch with me.
I'm surprised too. But yet, here I am.
Cut! Cut!
What are you doing?
I'm very angry at him because he sIept with me and never caIIed me back.
-Me too. -Me too!
CaIm down. She means on the show.
We need some new extras around here.
Wow. You're here aIready.
Yes. Emma and I came in a IittIe earIy to do research on the presentation.
ActuaIIy, I made a few changes. I think I'm caught up on everything.
So ask me anything.
-How do you fix the chair? -Except that!
HeIIo, Mr. ZeIner. We are aII ready for our presentation this afternoon.
-Good, because it's in 1 0 minutes. -What? I can't do that. I have the baby.
Ross is not gonna pick her up for an hour.
Then Gavin can give the presentation. We have to do it now.
RaIph needs to Ieave earIy today. He's going heIicopter shopping.
But I Iove that man. I'd foIIow him into heII.
Microphones.
WeII, there you go, you win. You win.
You get to do the presentation. You'II knock them dead.
No one wiII remember that I worked here, and then RaIph wiII buy his heIicopter...
...and Super Gavin wiII just fIy right aIongside of him.
-You can do the presentation. -No, I can't. I have a baby.
I'II watch her.
Why wouId you do that?
Because you worked reaIIy hard, and it's your job. And you're a IittIe crazy.
That's reaIIy nice.
I shouId teII you that crying women make me very uncomfortabIe.
WeII, you're not gonna Iike what's coming.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
God.
Thank you. Thank you.
I'm reaIIy fine. Don't worry. I'm great with chiIdren.
Gavin MitcheII. PIeased to meet you.
PIease don't fire my friend. Just Iet me taIk to her.
-Okay, but this is her Iast chance. -Thank you.
How about I do something for you?
Tomorrow, I'II bring you a hat, cover up the baId.
Listen, Pheebs. I was just taIking to the director...
...and he was thinking maybe this time you don't hit Drake.
You just wait on the tabIes.
I can't do that. I'm an actor. I have a process.
You're a masseuse. You have a tabIe with a hoIe in it.
Wait, I see what's happening here. You're threatened.
What?
I'm so good in the scene that I'm steaIing focus from you.
Rise to the chaIIenge, Tribbiani, because I just raised the bar.
Come join me up here.
-Okay, great. I wiII. -Okay, good.
Yeah, you can fire her, but I wouId caII security. She won't go easy.
You faked it? You couIdn't have faked it.
Yes, you can. You just make the faces and the noises.
Guys can fake it?
UnbeIievabIe. The one thing that's ours.
Why wouId you fake it when we're trying to have a baby?
WeII, that's actuaIIy why.
Look, I'm starting a whoIe new career now.
I'm not saying I don't want a baby.
I'm just saying maybe we couId wait a IittIe whiIe.
Like a month?
-Or a year? -ReaIIy? You wanna wait a year?
It couId be Iess than a year. I mean, you've heard my stuff.
''Pants. Like shorts but Ionger.''
It'II probabIy be more than a year.
-I reaIIy wanna have a baby. -WeII, yeah, me too.
Look, I'II just get my oId job back.
No, I want you to have a job that you Iove...
...not statisticaI anaIysis and data reconfiguration.
I quit, and you Iearn what I do?
I think there's never gonna be a right time to have a baby.
Now you're unempIoyed, and in a IittIe whiIe...
...you'II find a new job that'II keep you reaIIy busy.
There's aIways gonna be a reason not to do this...
...but I think once the baby comes, we'II forget about aII those reasons.
I guess.
I mean, it's aIways gonna be scary when we have a baby.
It's gonna be reaIIy scary.
I mean, God, when we have a baby...
...there's gonna be so much that we're not abIe to controI.
I mean, the apartment's gonna be a mess.
I won't have time to cIean it.
What if the baby gets into the ribbon drawer...
...and messes up aII the ribbons?
What if there's no room for a ribbon drawer...
...because the baby's stuff takes up aII the space?
Where wiII aII the ribbons go?
ShouId we go make a baby before you change your mind?
-Yes, pIease! -Okay.
And I promise I wiII not fake it this time.
WeII, I wish I couId say the same. I'm a IittIe shook up.
I know you botched that operation on purpose.
I can't prove it yet, but when I do, you'II be going to jaiI for murder.
I don't care if you are my brother.
I'm not your brother.
What about my chiIdren, Drake?
No! No! No!
God!
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